Re: A long rave

Former-Member · ‎16-10-2019

So brave of u to go back tp that choir.

I havent gone back to choir where lady triggered me off. Im just prac singing on my own. Im possibly about grade 6 level now. Want to get to about grade 8 level before i join another choir. I need to feel good about my voice. Its not my confident area even tho im quite good. Just the way i am. I seem to need to b quite good or almost excelling at something before i get a scrap of confidence. Whilst others can b crappy & still fit in. When i studied performing arts we had to sing solo to pass. I was the last person to get up. I was terrified! So i clung onto a chair & sang a swedish song. Hiding behind the language. Teacher stopped me & said i know u know music now take that up an octave. Well an octave in singing is huge but i did it & the class went crazy. I still dont know why cause i had no vocal training. My voice does attract attention tho. & did that 2nd time at choir. My voice teacher in .Melb said to sing in alto so i did. Im a mezzo possibly light. Lady next to me just didnt want me next to her & ranted on over the conductor to let me clearly know to go anywhere bu next to her. Id only been in the town a few wks i think. Wasnt on right meds so i was really emotional. The explosion went off in my head & i heard that familiar voice inside me say uv gotta get outa here so i ran out crying.

So im amazed u went back.

Ive found so many creatives r full of egos & so threatened by anyone new.its very sad. Singing to Karen carpenter cds daily kept me alive in my darkest yrs.

You said all the right things about men. Its why im single cause i want someone to befriend me first otherwise i just feel like an unpaid pro.

Only ever met one guy that made friends with me first & controlled his urge. That was the swedish man i fell in love with. I actually thought i was turning gay before i met him i was so against men. I did attract 2 women also. & it is only an urge. Cause when theyre in a relationship they can talk to u as a person.

Its all part of the changes in history.women have fought so hard to get this far.

I know what u mean about the neglected childhood. I know thats where my bpd stems from.

I had four bros & such a male dominant father that was against women working single mums so i wasnt important at all!

Eldest boy got everything he wanted & still does. Hes the one that molested me tho no1 in the family knows. I only remembered myself a few yrs ago. Hes gay & i think there has to be something wrong with a boy for him to do that to his young sister.

The big question do i tell my mother???

I think i need to let him know tho. I want nothing to do with him. He lives in London. Havent seen him for 16yrs

Former-Member · ‎16-10-2019

@eth

Yes the regular weekly appts r definitely the best.

I even notice the difference just one missed appt

Appleblossom · ‎16-10-2019

@Former-Member

We have a huge amount in common. The things we put ourselves through. Sounds like you have a wonderful voice.

The need to excel to be half acceptable, then tends to make others uncertain and see us as a potential threat, even though all we ant is to be liked. Choirs are hard as you have to work closely with others and trust is needed otherwise rivalry can become a big problem. Different styles of leadership can make a difference. The depth of working together means there has to be some some rapport.

I also experienced abuse in my family and in the world and get what you are saying. My heart goes out to you.

I admit I have issues as I get tetchy and edgy about middle class stuff as always used to being put down and given the flick and dont seem to have a clue about is reasonable or safe so the mods need to guide me ...

Hearing you about both men and the gay thing. In 2 recent groups and I have attracted gays gal as well as the straight ... weird ,,, but also makes sense.

eth · ‎16-10-2019

@Appleblossom thanks for the music. I love Lucky Dube. His song 'Mamma' is one of my favourites of all time. The lyrics of "the way it is" are fabulous. I'll have to listen to him for a long time now!!! He really gets into my head - ear worm!!!

eth · ‎16-10-2019

@Former-Member and @Appleblossom it's great to see you two have connected. I thought you'd probably have a lot of common ground.

Former-Member · ‎16-10-2019

@Appleblossom

I did write back but think its getting checked.

Ive had 2 bad experiences with choirs.first time in toowoomba. I went into soprano section & i stood out really loud & felt so embarassed.

Next wk i went back & sat in alto section. Then the conductor made a huge scene in front of everyone saying couldnt i make up my mind where to be.

This time i sat in alto section cause my singing teacher in Melb told me to. & then i was told the opposite ur too high for alto & questioned if i was singing right notes!

Why dont they just voice test u when u start & tell u where they want u to sit. Both times i was totally new in a town & both times not on a strong mood stabilizer.

I was originally trained as a sop singing opera.

In Melb was told im mezzo & this is the problem. In Melb i blended well with 5 other mezzos singing in an opera production.

To my knowledge mezzo sings in alto because theres rarely a true alto.lady that told me off had no vocal training i could hear most were singing with their chest voices so naturally mine didnt blend cause i was singing with my head voice correctly.

Actually i found choir boring & its hard all that sitting with my back. Cause i have scholiosis.

Im happy to continue training by myself until such time i feel confident to join a musical