There is so much in your post I did not want to take from it in anyway. I hope you are feeling reconciled with it. Sounds like you made healthy adjustments.
I have had to research about disgust and shame. The cycle of shame in my family was so bad I had deeply internalised being shameful. I was never sure whether it was just me, or about morality, poverty, dress sense or physical cleanliness. Funnily enough my mother had rejected notions about being houseproud, cos compared to her sisters, she had lost, but my mother had strong defences and expressed her own version of disgust for excess cleanliness. Both my mother and grandmother kept orderly homes rather than shining and clean. I prefer that approach too and eventually grew my style of playing in the garden and being close to the earth, rather than being Queen of the Mr Sheen! I always prefer homes that had culture rather than just the cold and clinical.
Oddly enough my gp raked me over the coals for wearing an old cotton skirt with a faded purple pattern. She went on and told me off for it being an expensive item originally, when I quietly uttered its just from the opshop. I try to dress decently and thoughtfully now about once a week when out of the more physical messy activities. Kind of like Sunday best. For me it was a sign of respect for our relationship and for her. She is known to be a dresser and a lady, but I had hoped she was compassionate. I guess I have come to the end of the line with her. I took it all calmly She printed off script with haughty aggressive single punch into her computer.. She also pushed me out of the surgery before I had properly put my arm back in my clothing after the blood pressure. Not sure whether its worth making a complaint. The more important thing is to realise how passive I am in the face of abuse, such an old hand at it. The new healing thing will be NOT to internalise it. I am not worthy of it. They are not worthy of me. I will move on and take my business elsewhere. Still a little sad though. They dont get paid to do that!
A lot of people seem content to vent opinions about their own disgust and others being dirty. it is a way of feeling superior to someone else. I became quietly disgusted at so much free expression of disgust. Some women disciplining all their energies into a clean home for children. I have also seen people rage as they clean, and an old teacher preached that cleanliness is not godliness. Now the planet it struggling with lots of waste from cleaning ... a terrible irony.
Dear @eth
A major issue around mental health groups and peer support is that the individuals are more vulnerable or dysfunctional in a variety of ways. One individual may symbolise certain aspects .... Systems theory can help sometimes help with group process. Interpersonal Boundaries only help so much. Good luck with it all.
Feeling in withdrawal mode, but have good music to look forward to ...
Hi @eth so sorry you have gone through that with a close friend. Really awful. Your friend does sound a difficult person if she is tearing strips off others regularly. I am amazed at how clear headed you sound in your post about it all. I think I'd still be quaking with something so painful and recent.
With the painful ending of the support relationship with my friend recently, she and I have shown each other that we are open to reconnecting the friendship when the time comes, it feels like we will do that. We were never close friends but it feels most healing for us to allow some time to heal the anger and pain there.
@Appleblossom's thoughts about the challenges of working with others with mental illness ring true to me. My personal involvements a long time ago with running little cultural groups and projects were intensely difficult on the interpersonal level, and stressful, my health suffered very, very badly in the end.
This was working with people with no diagnosed mental illnesses. I thought a lot about it afterwards. It seemed to me that because the organisation was very small, run by marginal artists for marginal artists, everyone had disproportionatly large personal stakes riding on it, including me. Each of us had some differences of agenda, and different personal agendas for being involved.
Anyway, big hugs for what you have been through and I hope the situation you are in is much less problematic and mostly an expansive experience in your life.
How wonderful you love Clannad as well! I too love the tree of life and especially the triquetra. For me it symbolises Earth, Underworld, Heavens, all intertwined. There is a beauty to me in my path towards accepting all.
Interesting that you mentioned schemas. Our last session of the mindfulness course was strongly drawn from Schema Therapy. I had to laugh when the results of the testing process suggested I have six maladaptive schemas! I do recognise myself in them all. Hopefully next week he's going to start teaching how to ease the effect of these on our lives.
Mostly I am still seeking the non analytical therapies: meditations, hypnoses, breath awareness and the like. At the moment I am finding these non-verbal modes of healing to be the best psychology I have ever experienced, already tangibly beneficial in my daily life. I feel this to be nourishing my spiritual being as well.
Hi @Appleblossom that GP episode is awful. How dare she. One of the bad ones. I hope you can find someone much more compassionate and caring very soon.
NDIS news: weird scenario with my support co-ordinator, who was in the process of handing me over to another support co-ordinator without asking my approval or even telling me she wanted to do that! When I found out I let it be known that I wanted to explore some options myself!
She also clearly didn't want to give me a reason for passing me on and I decided I didn't really care so saved myself the bother of insisting on knowing. So looking for a new SC one now, hoping to hear back from someone on Monday.
Losing both support worker and support co-ordinator, I've been giving myself and C some laughs by going around singing 'Bad to the Bone'.
Good vibes to all reading.
sending a big HELLO to all who've tagged me recently ... @frog @bipolarbunny @Shaz51 @Emelia8 @Fluttershy1 @Eve7 @Anastasia @Mazarita @Oaktree @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Exoplanet @Jacques @greenpea
and a big THANKYOU too!!!
Yet again I don't have time to reply individually, so sorry for that, but I am reading all your posts when I get a chance to and keeping up somewhat with discussions and what's going on for you all. I think of you all daily. As in recent weeks, when I do get some space between activities I need to rest and prepare for the next thing.
DBT course in 3rd week and going ok. Quite interesting to see a body of theory in one presentation, tho' nothing too new for me yet. Homework too which takes a bit of time and thought to do. Getting easier to be in a room with a group for 3 hours a week.
Writing at least 1 day a week with my writing buddy in preparation for our residency, which we have postponed until later in the year due to my other commitments, but also because the weather will be more pleasant up on the headland by then.
Keeping up with tai chi twice a week, appointments, errands etc and getting some driving practice 3-4 times a week.
Keeping in contact with friends and peers in the disability alliance and support groups plus doing monthly writing group and other meetings via zoom. Working towards writing a paper with peers and have been selected to present it at a major mental health services and learning network conference in October ... that's exciting but daunting at the same time.
NDIS plan extended for 12 months instead of having to have a full review for a new plan, which is a huge load off my mind.
Blah blah blah if anyone's interested!!
Wishing I could offer more individual support here - I do almost none of that compared to when I was a community guide and I miss it, but offline life has to be my priority for the time being.
Hoping you're all coping ok with recent covid developments and restrictions. I keep expecting it to hit my town every day and have that feeling of needing to prepare for another lock down here. We are very close to some of the red zone areas of NSW here. Consequent strong anxiety about all the things that would mean including absence of support workers and all the things I do with them.
Take good care everyone.
@eth I hope you realise just how wonderful it actually is that you are NOT here because of all the achievements, progress and things you are doing for yourself. It is actually a great 'story' of recovery and moving forward for all others to revel in and aspire to - what an inspiration you are ⭐
Of course we miss you heaps but seeing what you have been doing, what you are working towards and the massive steps you have/are taking in your life is truly wonderful to see
Hi @eth and all.
Good to hear what you have been up to, @eth. Great going.
Things going well here with the activities themselves. Behind the scenes admin associated with NDIS has been pretty painful from the start. I am again without a support co-ordinator but that will likely be resolved early next week. I am doing almost all of my own research, organisation and bookings for activities so do not need that much from anyone who takes it on.
Best thing of all may be the bushwalks in the national parks. Walked for two hours in sub-tropical rainforest today. So still and quiet under the canopy of monumental trees, only passed one other person the whole way. Heard whipbird calls, gentle currawong calls. Magical place and massive improvement of mood from start to end of day.
Hi everyone reading. Well wishes all.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.