Okay ... another update for you all. Oh no! ... I hear you say. 😱 Ha ha ... sorry everyone. Please dont feel obliged to read, much less respond. 💕
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Well ... today I should have been on the road, undertaking my 7 hour drive to visit my Dad and other family. Would have been nearly there by now, if I'd gone. Sadly I was forced to make the decision not to go. Nothing was adding up and it all got too hard. I'm disappointed of course and so too is my Dad when I told him yesterday. I hope to plan a visit now in late Feb or early March, which will be the earliest I can make it, given my upcoming radiation therapy. Although that is always a bad time of year for me (anniversary of assault), so I will just have to wait and see how things go.
As I said ... nothing was adding up for this trip, and in the end the visit was just becoming impossibly difficult. Hubby had decided he wasnt well enough to travel, so was not going to come with me. That meant I would have to arrange that he was cared for while I was away, and would also mean my time away would need to be shortened. He hasnt been very well the past few days, with his Parkinsons symptoms worsening. And he was getting quite upset knowing that I was going to be away. So he was trying to convince me not to go.
With hubby not coming with me, it also meant I would be driving the long distances on my own. Weather prediction for the next week is expected to be wet all this week, so I would have had to be driving through possibly heavy rain both there and back. Which can make an already long tiring drive, seem even longer. Its still school holidays so the roads will be busy.
And due to the COVID situation, rest stops all the way from Central Coast through to the Illawarra area are very limited. Even without stopping anywhere within Greater Sydney. Added to that is the fact that the oral chemo meds I'm now on, make me even more tired and fatigued than I normally am. So the drive was going to be a problem, and it would have been dangerous and irresponsible for me to be driving those distances on my own.
Also a consideration was that the NSW premier advised on Thursday that people should postpone travel plans. After hearing that, I phoned the cancer institute where I will be having my radiation therapy in a little over a week, to ask them about travelling. They said it would not be advisable to travel outside of my local area under the current circumstances.
So I had pretty much made up my mind Thursday night that I would likely not be doing my visit. But I didnt let anyone down South know until yesterday. I feel bad for having to cancel this trip. Dads health has deteriorated, and he may not even be around come March! I know that sounds pessimistic ... but in all honesty, I'm quite concerned about him.
I'd also planned to help my brother go through and pack up a lot of stuff at Dads house to get it spruced up and prepared for sale. Dad is now living with my brother full time since Christmas, and is on a wait list for a nursing home room as soon as one comes available. So his home in town will need to be sold to fund that transition. Both Mum and Dad are dedicated hoarders. Every time I've been down there since Mum died ... I cull, rehome and dispose of stuff, but there is still so much to do. Still two rooms to clear out and paint as well. I guess it will wait until March, but I just feel that I've let my brother down. He has to deal with so much already.
I have to admit (selfishly) that once I made the decision not to travel ... besides disappointment, I felt a sense of relief. I realised that I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to do more than I can currently handle. So for my own wellbeing, its a good decision. I guess I need to concentrate on my own physical recovery, and to also try to get my mental health in a better state as well.
I continue to feel very vulnerable and "all at sea" due to not having an appointment with my psych. I never leave her office without another appointment. But when my last appointment in mid December was cancelled, I'm now without a replacement apt. I feel very much as though I am cast out to sea, with no paddle to find a safe haven. The last day of February is now so close once more ... my prime highly triggering anniversary. It comes around so quickly ... and so flamin' often! I sometimes find that the new year is a bit of a trigger for me. Its as though I suddenly realise how close the end of February is from now. I mean ... its only next month! 😔
Well, thank you for reading .. if you reached this far. I best leave it at that for now. Enough is enough aye?
Love and gratitude to each of you.
Emelia 💞
