@Appleblossom You are right of course, farms can be very dangerous places. And I grew up on a farm, and spent all my growing up years on one, before moving into a small country town when I was in my latter high school years. I'm sorry that you too have known much trauma and loss. It definitely can be a numbing experience. I have blocked much of it from my mind for a good part of my life I think. But it all comes spilling out again whenever new things happen. And then you get the double or triple or quadruple whammy. Avoiding connection is a self preservation thing I guess, because most connections I've had in the past have essentially been lost through death. So to avoid connection is to avoid the pain of loss. But human beings need connection I think, and I am a lesser human for lacking it. The forums have helped me in the past to develop connections, and I hope they can again. Because I need that. How to honour our stories of loss and survival? I dont know really. Its hard in so many respects. Each of those I have lost, deserve to be honoured, and perhaps I do too. Yes it is a lovely tulip isnt it. Thank you for responding.
@Zoe7 Thank you for taking the time to respond. Your words: "you have more hope, more strength and more courage than you even know is possible". It very much seems you are talking about someone else ... certainly not me. I've given up hope of ever being 'normal' or happy. I often dont feel I have the strength to survive another day. And rather than courage, I feel it is more likely fear that causes the adrenaline to get me through. That isnt healthy. Sometimes I value a new day, though I'm not always thankful for still living in it. Yes I've survived ... but is survival enough? Is a rare and fleeting precious moment worth the pain and distress suffered in between? This is something I often toss around in my own head, tormenting myself until I send myself nuts. How do you do it Zoe? You have been through so much. Is life worth living for you?
@NatureLover Yes thats very true, prolonged periods of trauma and numerous tragic losses / occurrences definitely take a toll on people. They say that what doesnt break you, makes you stronger. But I'm not so sure. I think there comes a time when it all becomes too much, and it just gets too hard to keep fronting up for more. The gentle hug you left for me and the willing listening ears you readily offer, are very much appreciated. I suppose we all find a way .. somehow, sometime. Life is hard for so many, and I know I'm not alone in that. But trauma can turn you into yourself, causing you to internalise things too much. Does that make sense? Along with the other traumas and losses I have suffered, I have also endured persistent DV and emotional abuse within my marriage. And that adds to the difficulties somewhat. Anyway ... I'm internalising things on paper now, and I dont think you or anyone else wants to hear any of that. I really do hope that healing, even in a small way, is possible. So I will finish by saying that I really appreciate your quiet and caring support.
@greenpea My dear Pea. I was so sorry to read about the health issues you had recently. And that it has caused you to postpone your university studies. How disappointing for you. But little choice under the circumstances I suppose. Lets hope you get some answers soon as to what caused those blackout moments, and that you can move on with solutions. Then back to uni asap. Thanks for the welcome back. Its lovely to see you again. Please take care, and remember to tag me when you have any news to convey about your medical tests etc. Take care.
@Shaz51 Thank you dear Shaz, its a relief to be back. Tough going for a while there, but things eventually calmed down around here and I sought to return with the CMs assistance. Yes a new thread was appropriate I thought. Much of the stuff I have divulged here, I never told anyone before. People close to me know bits and pieces, but nobody knows it all. Its a little strange, while I was offline for the 6 weeks or so, a lot of this stuff just kept rattling around in my head. It wouldnt leave me alone. Another reason I opened a new thread, is because I am reluctant to return to my old thread. Fearing that a link may be made which would associate me with my old identity, and thus compromise my anonymity once more. So sadly, my little doggy profile pic is no more. Do you like my new colourful dolphin pic?
@Snowie Thank you Snowie, you are very kind. I was sorry to read that you have needed to return to hospital to undergo further ECT. Lets hope this time it works for you. Please you too take care.
@Former-Member Awwww ... how sweet. Yes I managed to eventually find a way back, with the help of the CMs here. Its been a very difficult time for me while away. I have to say that I'm really glad my return provided a brief moment of joy to you earlier today when you needed it most. I had read your worry room post and was concerned. I read on your thread later, the reasons why. I had wondered if it had anything to do with your visit to your Dad, and it looks like it was. That aside, I'm very happy for you that you enjoyed your visit and that it all seemed very relaxed and normal. Almost as though there was no long break since you last saw each other. Perhaps now, you can look forward to your next visit. And no more thoughts of leaving us. Please tell Kimmy that I am really looking forward to chatting with her next time she's around. I have thought of my little friend Kimmy, courageous Nikki and dear Izzy a lot in my absence. I have also read your regular posts where you gave me a mention. Thank you, it was lovely to know I was not forgotten, and was perhaps even missed just a little. Big love to each of you too, and a gentle hug.
@Maggie @BlueBay @outlander Thank you for your welcoming posts as well.
Emelia 🌸
