A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

[Anastasia]

Always a pleasure Em...can I do anything for you? It's fine if you're just popping in and don't want to talk. I'm here if you do tho. Been popping in regularly to see if I might see you @Emelia8 💞

[Emelia8]

Thank you @Anastasia 😊

But no, nothing. Just been dropping in occasionally to try to maintain some connections to reality I guess. A healthier choice than dropping out entirely.

Sleep well Myboy, and I hope you have a good start to your working week tomorrow.

I think I will head off to bed and listen to my audiobook for a while.

Good night 😴💞

Emelia 🐶

[Anastasia]

Good night my special friend @Emelia8 🙏🌸🙏

[Anastasia]

Just in case you wake...

@Emelia8 💜🌸💜

https://youtu.be/ft7fpLzKQlM

[Emelia8]

I never feel safe, not even in my own home. Or perhaps I could more accurately say ... especially, in my own home.  How can I, when past experience dictates that it's not the safe haven that it's supposed to be.

At the time I was raped/physically and sexually assaulted, I was a non-drinker.  I was a non smoker. I'd never experimented or been lured into trying any illegal or recreational drugs or substances. I was never one to be influenced by peer pressure.

I was a bit of a loner ... a quiet, very shy, cautious type of person. I wasn't a risk taker and I never knowingly put myself in a situation of possible danger or vulnerability. I believe I had a good awareness for ensuring I maintained good physical safety. 

So how could this have happened to me? I dont understand, I never did.  But since it did happen to me ...  then it could happen to anyone.  Therefore nobody is safe.  And I will never truly feel safe again.

Where did I go wrong?  What could I have possibly done to have prevented it from happening? No wonder I had feelings of self blame and shame at the time. No wonder I no longer trust people.  No wonder I now doubt my own judgement.  No wonder I have since turned to alcohol.  No wonder I have never been able to let any of this go.

I don't know why he did what he did. Was he on drugs?  Had something in his personal life triggered this predatory and violent response, totally out of the blue? There are so many unresolved questions I still have around it all. Answers to which, I'm never likely to have.

Emelia 

[candycane]

Hi @Emelia8 

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this at the moment. It sounds like alot to think about and feel. Please know that you are not alone, we are hear listening to you and walking alongside you as you brave this difficult journey. 

Thank you for being so brave and transparent in posting on the forum, please continue to seek support through the forums and i will send you an email to check in shortly. 

[Emelia8]

Thank you @candycane 🌷

Ive been indulging in some of the gifts and tools that the lovely ever thoughtful @Anastasia left me earlier. 💖

Currently listening to the youtube to help with nightmares and sleep. Its really nice. Hope it will help to settle me a bit and eventually permit sleep. So badly need sleep.

Em

[candycane]

That is good to hear, hopefully sleep will come soon.

[Emelia8]

Sleep never came @candycane 😵 but I got a bit of rest later, just not sleep.  A rest for the eyes, so they dont appear so bloodshot.  This will hopefully enable me to go about some of the essential jobs I need to do in town today.

25 years ago today.  It could so easily be today.  I dont want to think about that afternoon, but I cannot get it out of my mind.  My mind and my body refuse to forget, my soul refuses to forgive that person.

[Snowie]

Good morning hon @Emelia8 

My thoughts are with you today and hoping the day goes ok.

Please know that we are here for you.

Lots of love and hugs sweetheart 💜💜