14th year house bound

[Jacques]

Thank you my angel, but i do realise i am not like other men, the more i read and see how men treat women, i am really disgusted at men in general. i am reading a book at the moment, about sexual and physical violence toward women and girls through religion, it breaks my heart to see so many families distroyed for men's ego.

Well Karen, believe it or not, by 9pm it gets quite cold here, hot days cold nights, like the desert. oh yes, i can't believe you are down to 10 degrees, wow Australia is diverse.

The shaking is slowing, thank god, but i am still down, i have a sense of impending doom, i don't know why, maybe because i am exhausted lately.

OOOOh Karen that will be nice, it wil fill you and the house with positive energy, insense does calm me down, i don't know why

[Jacques]

well tonight i am playing a game, listening to music, i am going to watch a movie at 8:30.  and talk to my best friend, if she wants to 😄

[hiddenite]

You sure do like multi tasking j. 

I agree when I look at men they make me dislikethem even more. I really try to find good in men but I just can't. Hope I don't offend you. It's just how I feel.

I can't believe you drink so much water, I've only had 600mls today. 

I'm trying to get the girls to bed but they are so hyped up.

[Jacques]

Yes, well i have done multiable things most of my life, it must work because some of it sinks in, lol

I totally understand Karen, with your treatment it is so distressing to see what you have been through and i bet i don't even know the half of what he did to you, please Karen, not all men are bad, when you get tradies  for the house, they are not going to harm you, you don't even need to be their while they do the work.

You do not offend me, i know if we ever met you would not be scared of me, that is enough to put my mind at ease.  Karen, maybe i should have been born a woman, i don't seem to think like other men, my father always respected mum, they never fought, and they both shared the house work dad cooked and cleaned, ironed and washed.  Maybe my upbringing has shaped how i see relationships/friendships with women.

Oh yes Karen, sometimes i can drink up to 10 liters a day, i don't realise i do it, but i always have a mouthfull every now and again, and it all adds up.  Mum sometimes thinks i have diabeties because i drink so much, but when i get tested everything is ok, so i don't know. maybe medication.

Oh Karen, i do hope the girls settle soon, if they have been upset tonight they may take a while to settle, but if they know something is up they may not go to sleep.

Just be kind to them, be with them, show them you care.

[hiddenite]

10 litres wow impressive.

My husband was really old fashioned where the woman cooked, cleaned, raised the children and was seen but not heard.

I don't know how I will ever provide for the girls, I have never worked. 

It's so unfair, if I had cancer or some other illness it would be ok for me to go to hospital. No one would question it. I would be supported no questions asked. But because I have a mi I'm made to feel guilty about having to go to hospital.

Mum told me that I am traumatizing the girls all so I can sit in hospital and get fat.

Doesn't she see that this is hurting me, that I'm scared.

[Jacques]

Oh that is terrible Karen, the town i live in has the highest rate of domestic and sexual violence in NSW, many men in my town see women as their property, to wait on their every beck and call, i find this very disgusting, i feel so sorry for these women, sometimes i think women would be better without men altogether.  This day in age their is no need for men at all.

Karen, find out what is happening at centrelink, it is not your fault you have been unable to provide, youjr husband would not let you work, i am sure you have no qualifications and that is really not important now anyway, your MH is important now, take the time to get better Karen, these questions will be answered in time, i see how good you are with the girls.  love is all that matters, not material possessions.

I agree Karen, people do not understand, i have been called lazy and fat too, all i can say is she is ignorant to this because she has never suffered a MI, it is still hurtfull, i understand that, maybe telling her the alternative to hospital may give her some perspective.

Karen, i know you are hurting, and hurting bad, i know you are scared and confused, maybe even overwhelmed at everything happening os fast. 

Karen, maybe i can gie you some care and support your mother seems unable to provide, i know i can't give much, but i will be here to listen anytime.

[hiddenite]

I know what it's like to be a possession my husband would tell me that I didn't pay him enough to be nice to me.

Your right I am so overwhelmed the anxiety is awful hard to breathe, bad chest pain, shaking. It's not fare to the girls seeing me like this.

I still haven't heard from center link. I must of missed up the paperwork or they have lost it again. Can't get anything right.

Gosh I just can't believe I have to go back to hospital this is just a nightmare.

[Jacques]

Wow Karen he sounds like he was a real A**hole, he was not good enough for you Karen, he did not deserve such a nice woman, i feel so relieved you are free of him, you deserved so much better in life Karen, i really wish i could show you what life should have been like, i just hope i am able t oshow you some kindness in life now that you have not got before. I know how hard it must be on the girls and i do know how hard this is on you, it is not fair he has done this to you, and done this to the girls, it is his fault Karen, not yours. Karen centrelink is not your fault, i have had the same thing all my life, i have had to deal with centrelink since i was 17, losing paperwork is their specialty, and taking their time seems to be their motto, they don't care that people need to live. Karen make sure your treating team help you out with this, it is very important. Please promise me you will ask them to help. Karen, i know how hard this all must be, but i will support you, i will be their every day writing to you, even if you don't respond i will write, and i will be here when you get out.

[hiddenite]

I promise Jacques, I've been messed around by them for over 2 months. I find their forms really confusing and difficult to answer.

It's getting late Jacques and I'm exhausted speak to you tomorrow.

I don't you get a good rest tonight. I'll still be holding your and so you know you are safe ans not alone.

Take care my friend.

Goodnight Karen

[Jacques]

Yes KAren the forms are very confusing, when i applied for the DSP it took mum and i 3 days to fill out one form, it was full of contradictions and weird questions.

Ok Karen, please rest, i will be holding your hand, i will watch oer you and protect you.

I will try my angel, please peak to me if you need some distraction tomorrow.

Good night my angel, my thoughts are with you always.

Jacques