I hate me

[Getting2]

Hi,

Started to come to a realisation that maybe I hate me, maybe all my life. ie, Self-loathing is me.

Excuse my french but here is what I believe my life story is in summary:

"My family f*cked me, then I f*cked my family and now I'm being f*cked (punished)".

(this is often what I remind myself IS my life story - I even sing about it! - I'm so f*cked up!!

Would LOVE to drop dead right NOW to finish all this endless torment in my head!

I am safe and have NO plans to finish me and I have promised my wife I WILL NOT end my life by my own hand - so all is well in that area.  I'm seeing a GP and pych - and I'm sharing my "stuff" here - which helps!?

How do I start valuing, loving me when ALL I CAN SEE is "I was told  I was sh*t (emotional/verbal/physical abuse) from as far back as I can remember, I passed on my sh*t to my family (who loved me and I stuffed it up) and now I'm still a sh*t sitting in MORE sh*t of my own making?   A polished sh*t is still a sh*t!!  Looking back I see so much of my life was covering the sh*t - class clown, funny man at social events, funny man out front (performing).  Laughter, laughter, laughter but really lies, lies, lies covering up the "real" me.  Who is the real me? - sick of that question to...........

So sick of being "me" - so sick of "wingeing", so sick of years of "aha" if I do this or that t-h-e-n I'll feel better.    It always seems I'll never get it right and I'll always come back to "I'm f*cked, I'm sh*t, I'm nothing, I'm not needed" and I will never amount to anything of value to anyone including myself.  Around, around and around I go....

Sorry for the stuff above but that's where I'm at - and as I said the above will probably never change, anyway......

Getting2

[Former-Member]

Hello @Getting2

It sounds like you have been going through a pretty tough time lately, I am glad you are linked in with a psych to help get some support. You are very insightful as to how your family has affected you and how this has made you treat others which might not be helpful in feeling better about yourself and the choices you have made in your life. This insight is a great thing.

You sound like you are at a stage where you are wanting to start focusing on how to start valuing yourself, can I ask what are some things that you value in your life, like things that you enjoy doing, this may give you some insight into possibly what you can value within yourself?

You said you have a wife, and you care about her a lot, this means that you are a caring and kind person which is something to start valuing within yourself. How do you feel about that?

Lunar

[Shazab]

My personal belief is that human beings have a dual nature, that is to say there is both good and evil in us, the good is worth the bad is my thinking atm but I also loath the evil in me at times for what it has done to those I love, but I think it's a very positive first step just acknowledging it's there, know thy enemy so to say

[utopia]

Hi @Getting2. Wow. Your negative self talk is strong. Understandably. I also had a lot of negative self talk going around in my head, earlier this year. Mine was constantly telling me what a terrible parent I was, etc. Although my self talk used a lot of swear words too. It really wanted to emphasise how sh*t I was.
So, when I was in hospital - SI - I decided to write 2 lists.
1 - I'm such a sh*t parent because:
I could have written pages of responses to this. But I kept it to about 6 reasons.
Then on another piece of paper - I wrote
2 - Why I'm a good parent.
Now this was hard - because at this point I couldn't see anything positive I did. So I started writing down what my best friend would say about me being a parent. As I started writing and reading these, I added more. They didn't have to be big things. Even something like attending some of my sons sporting events. Or making sure my son had a sports uniform. Or money for him to go to a movie. Or listening to him talking about his interests.
Eventually I had 2 pages of positive comments.
Then every time & I mean every time, my negative self talk said what a sh*t parent I was - I would pull out my list of positives and read everyone of them.
The first day I did this more than 10 times. But I prrsisted. By the end of 3 days - my self talk wasn't so strong and negative. By the end if the week; I could really see what a good mum I was. Nit perfect. But good.
This is a great way to train your brain to start thinking positively.
At the moment, your brain is stuck on negative mode, as that's all it has heard for a while - I bet. And it's a viscous circle.
Why not try writing down what is good about you. Start with what your wife or friends would say. Use positive phrases like.
I work hard.
I earn money to support my family.
I am funny and people like my humour.
I love my wife.
My wife loves me.
I'm a good bloke.
I care about my wife.
Read your list every time you think a negative thought. Try it for a week.
It really does work.
And please let me know how you get on.

[Former-Member]

hello @Getting2

welcome to here.

I have been on here for about a month now.

I have major depression and anxiety. The depression part goes back to when I was quite young.

For me the self loathing didnt appear or I wasnt aware of it until I started having treatment with a psycotherapist. It slowly rose to the surface in tiny bits as I had buried it for so long and so deeply.

I'm not sure how long you have felt this anger about yourself and whether or not it started that way or eventuated.

For me the self-loathing can still come back after all this time and that is because of external circumstances piling up, one after another after another after another.

It has taken me a very long time to reach the stage that I am aware that I am doing this to myself. It is not nice feeling this way or even thinking about it. The horrid feelings relate to the memory when you first were hurt. So be gentle with yourself. You have mental wounds that need some help to heal.

You are at that stage of feeling self loathing now and you are opening up and talking about those horrid feelings on here. Brilliant! gasp you are thinking. she must be nuts! what i am trying to say in my way, which is the way my head works when i am not feeling well, is that you are letting all of those horrid feelings come to the surface and as awful and painful as they are, that is far healthier than pushing them back down and burying them.

I acknowledge that the road is rough and you are very, very brave. keep on writing about your stuff on here. vent. i have written essays on here.

I do think that it would be good for you to seek some professional help with this. This will not only help you, but also your family whom you love very much and want to protect. They love you the same and are hurting seeing you hurt. They want you to get better. They do not want to lose you.They love you. Please do not lose that thought and see your doctor to get referred to a specialist.

safe journey

[Former-Member]

sorry am not at my best. I just read your post again and saw that your are seeing a specialist. If you have a trusting relationship with that person keep it up and talk talk talk

[Former-Member]

Sometimes it's good to let it out like this. I also find sometimes writing what you don't like down to be helpful.

[Former-Member]

Ditto all the above.

i tried affirmations and all that from the eighties. Temporary bandaid to self loathing.

what really worked to bring about change for me was this book: " Self-Compassion", Kristen Neff. (Available as Kindle on Amazon)

also, there is a free audio series of discussions at sounds true.com called "The Self Acceptance Project". Kristen Neff is one of the contributors. Worth a look if you're not a bookish person.

we self-haters can tend to jump over examining our own dark sides with curious compassionate acceptance that we have some ugly sh** inside us like all human beings and go straight to self loathing and beating ourselves up for having the sh** in the first place. The book teaches a pathway for learning to accept ourselves, junk and all, and begin to love every part of ourselves. It changes everything.

hope you find this helpful.

[Getting2]

Thanks, I think I can access some Kristen Neff on You tube.
Bad self talk most of the day still and Tinnitus is giving absolute hell - hopefully sleep kick in soon for some relief. Regards Getting2

[Former-Member]

😢