I hate me

[Getting2]

Thank you for your warm and insightful replies, it all helps, thanks with great appreciation.  I know it's been a long time between replies, no offense intended, sometimes I just don't like computers and just cannot "speak"..............however I'm managing to reply now.

I can't believe how incrediability unhelpful my self talk is - so often now and also in the past - and how it has pushed my wife and adult children away and yet they (especially my wife) are my main support group - go figure......

It has been a Godsend and a huge learning curve to try, try and try again to battle my horrid self talk with a growing ability (very, very small baby steps) to "turn around" my non effective self talk into effective self talk ie, I was and will always be a bad husband - NO I am much nicer to live with now, I cook nice dinners, sometimes I did and do surprise my wife with flowers or a thanks for "hanging in there with me" card, sometimes I now do her washing (I don't separate the colours but don't tell her that!), in the past I would have special alone times with our children and today I show (and keep reminding them) that I love them - no matter what.............

Professional guidance and meds have helped immensely to litterally "wake me up" to "see" what's been happening.

Now I'm trying to see that maybe there is a way out of this hell (Strained marriage, Chronic pain, Depression, Anxiety, LOUD Tinnitus, feeling useless, self loathing, expensive meds and, at this stage, unforseeable and unworkable employment).

One thing, that is good, is I'm finally starting to see the horror I've caused and see how my family have suffered (more pain for me but I believe I have to face up to it and making sure I'm moving forward and not majoring/wallowing in the past - the past can't be changed BUT RIGHT NOW I CAN DECIDE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH WHATEVER I'M DOING OR WITH WHOEVER I'M WITH - I ONLY HAVE NOW!!).  

Sometimes I think a positive outcome would be that one day I would be able to speak publically about my "challenges" in the hope of giving other survivors hope and loved ones understanding of mental illness.  (I have for many years had a love for public speaking where I always tried to "know" the audience - see/connect/empathise and encourage - sometimes with a sense of humour).  But for the moment "my nerve" is still growing back from fragile to better.

Thank you for your love and concerns.  I love you all and hope for better days ahead for us all.

Regards Getting to.

[Former-Member]

That was a pretty positive post and timely for me to read @Getting2. Thanks for sharing. Sorry you still have lots of challenges ahead but it sounds like there are many times ahead for you to enjoy too. Best wishes. 💜🤗

[utopia]

@Getting2. What a positive change. The past few months, it sounds like you have had lots of support in fighting your negative self talk. And you obviously have put in a huge amount of work, to look after yourself and also your family. Well done! I think it should be acknowledged - all your hard work. Keep it up.
And I hope in the near future, you are able to stand up in front of an audience and tell them your story.
You are an inspiration. So wonderful to hear how you are progressing. All those baby steps - add up to kilometers walked!

[Teej]

I hate me 😭. I don’t want to be here anymore but I am. I am so scared I’ll never make the changes I need to. My emotions are getting more out of control than ever before. I don’t want to be the child anymore. 😢

[Former-Member]

Hey @Teej, it sounds like you're really struggling tonight. I'm wondering if there is anything we can do to support you? Did you want to contact the Help Centre tonight if you need to?

[Teej]

Thanks @Former-Member. I don’t think there is much point talking right now, it would just me be crying anyway. I’m just trying to hold on for the ride but it’s hard and I’m struggling. 

[Former-Member]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling so much @Teej. I hope you are able to get through the evening okay. We are here if you need us.

[utopia]

One thing at a time @Teej. Rest tonight and start afresh tomorrow. I know you can move through this tough time. ♥♥♥