Mentally unstable housemate

[Alex9]

Hi Everyone, 

I've wanted to get an outside perspective on this for a while, so thank you guys for allowing me to do so. 

At the start of the year, I moved out from home to escape my abusive family and live with a few friends. 

One of these friends and I have been friends for ages. I've always known she struggles with her mental health; she is AuDHD with depression and anxiety. I have always been there for her and supported her, especially in the last 2 years at perhaps my own detriment sometimes.

Now she knows I have some mental health issues as well and she also knows that my home life is not the best but I have never gone into details about anything because she has expressed displeasure in the past when other friends "trauma dump" on her and I just don't think she would react well if I opened up to her.

But I find now that we live together there are issues rising. I feel like her mum at times because she does not do any basic chorus or tidying, I am doing most of it. Sometimes if she is down I feel like I need to walk on eggshells around her because I say something wrong she will give me the silent treatment. 

Specifically with tidying, I have tried to introduce having allocated chorus or to remind her of things but it just ends up with her occasionally tidying and then I do most of it. 

I totally understand that she has more complex issues than I do but she has a habit of trivialising my experiences sometimes, especially regarding my family. Like it's a competition to her to see who has it worse, which is weird to me because she barely knows my experience. 

I don't know what to do

[tyme]

That's a touch one @Alex9 .

Am I reading right that it's a ROOMMATE and not a HOUSEMATE?

From my own experience, for people to share, there needs to be compatibility. It doesn't mean they have to be the same, but it does mean they have to be compatible.

Do you find yourself compatible with this person you are sharing with?

In terms of basic things around the house, it sounds like you have already done your best to get them to do their part. I wonder if they have the capacity to make changes, or whether this is just how it is?

What do you think?

[Alex9]

Oops, yep, I meant Housemate; we share a house with a few friends. 

We are compatible, I feel, most of the time, but these days I am having my doubts

I honestly don't think she has the capacity to make changes otherwise I feel like she would have made them already. But I never want to push her too hard in case she gets upset. 

My other housemate generally agrees with me and also has the same fear of upsetting her. 

[MJG017]

hey @Alex9 

I hope i'm not over-simplifying this, and I'm certainly not try to trivialise any issues you are having, but I thing you're just discovering the different between being compatible with a friend and living with a friend.  They are usually two completely different things.  I have friends I've known for over 45 years (yes, I'm that old) who I've always got on really well with since we were little kids, but I wouldn't want to live with them.

Living with someone means we get exposed to all their little flaws, bad habits, and annoyances.  The sort of things you don't usually see about them, and if you do (like being untidy in their own place) you may notice it but it's not annoying.  When you have to try and live with it, it's a different story.

So I could be wrong, and feel free to say if I am, but I'm not sure each of your mental health issues are the main issues here. As @tyme suggested, it's more an issue of compatibility.  You could have 2 people who are the best of friends but one is very neat and tidy, the other is a bit more 'chaotic' and messy.  They probably aren't going to be compatible living together because those sort of issues really only effect their living space.  When that living space is the same, those issues are now an, well... issue.

All you can really do is talk about it, see if you can reach a compromise.  Otherwise, the frustration will just grow until one of you can't take it anymore and this cn really harm the friendship.

You said you live with a group of friends, and that they agree with you.  I think you all need to talk to her and tell her she needs to try and do her share of the responsibilities.  If you don't, the frustrations will just build and build over time.  I know it's hard to confront someone, especially a good friend, but sometimes it just needs to be done for the good of the friendship.  It's not really helping anyone, including her, to let this go on if it is causing problems with people living there.  Sometimes people just need to know what the boundaries are, or they'll keep pushing them.

I wish you all the best in this Alex, it's certainly not an easy situation to be in and I certainly would hate to be in it. 

[tyme]

Phew! I don't think I'd be able to survive if it was my roommate lol.

Look, I honestly think that part of living in a shared house. 

When I was living in a shared house, I resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to change an adult even though their habits were so hard to live with.

The only thing you are protected with is if in the contract, it states what each person's duty is.

Would you consider moving out when the time comes? @Alex9 

I'm sorry I don't have any other advice. 

You CAN try and have a chat to them again, but as mentioned, maybe they can't actually do what you want them to do? 

Please know you are not alone.

[Alex9]

Thank you @MJG017 and @tyme I kind of felt like I was overreacting but it is nice to see my thoughts validated.

I do think of her as a good friend, but as you said I probably are not the most compatible people in a household environment. 

I like the way you guys describe compatibility because I have never considered it in that way. 

I probably will move out at the end of the year with the housemate that I am pretty compatible with. It will be a tough conversation when I have to tell her that she's not coming with us, but I think it is a necessary one if we are to continue being friends.

Thanks always for the advice and giving me the space to talk about my thoughts.

[tyme]

Hey @Alex9 ,

No worries at all!

We are grateful you trusted us enough to share what's been going for you 🙂

Yes, the idea of compatibility is a big one. It doesn't mean either party is 'good' or 'bad', but more so, How well do they do living together?

You made a fair point in saying that if you want to remain friends, moving out is probably the best option. 

I wonder if you would consider having the conversation earlier? It MAY be a catalyst for her to really give it a hot red go at doing her part in living with you. Then see how that goes?

It sounds like there's three people in the house, right? That's always hard when 2 go off together and leave one out. This may be something to consider too.

Looking forward to seeing you around!

[MJG017]

@Alex9 

I was going to suggest exactly the same thing as @tyme (always too quick for me 😁) to maybe have that conversation about moving out eventually as soon as you can with her.  It sounds like she wont take it well if you just dump in on her without much time to get used to it.  She may not take it well at any time, but at least if you talk to her earlier, she will have time to get used to it. It would also allow a lot more time to help her prepare for the move and even assist with finding new house mates for her before you leave.

I think it would be vital to say you would be moving out because your want to remain friends, and just talk about the compatibility problem we've discussed.  She'll probably feel rejected especially if it then means she would be living alone.  And as @tyme suggested, it may prompt her to try and be more willing to adjust more to the group. 

We're always here and willing to listen and support you as you try to work through this tough time.

[tyme]

How are you travelling @Alex9 ?

Did you get to speak to your house mate?

[Alex9]

Hey! 

I have yet to speak with her, but you guys are definitely right I will let her know with plenty of notice. 

I am probably putting it off, but I will probably be moving out around Feb next year so I have a bit of time to think about how I am going to approach the topic and I'll probably talk with her in Oct/Nov. I am very pretty anxious about it but it needs to be done.