I can’t figure out if I truly want to be single or if it’s my BPD talking.

[Lex23]

Hi friends,

I’ve been struggling a lot with my BPD lately. To be honest, I didn’t even realize I was, until a recent bad episode brought a lot of things to the surface. One of the biggest issues I’m facing is the possible deterioration of my marriage. I’m finding it really hard to know if my wants and needs are truly aligned with me or if they’re being influenced by another facet of me—my BPD.

I have an incredibly supportive partner, but I’m also polyamorous, and I haven’t been able to navigate that in an ethical way because of my BPD. I’m scared that I’ll keep hurting my partner. I feel conflicted because I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me to focus solely on “getting better” and not seeing other people for a while.

I don’t know how much my need for intimacy and connection is influencing my actions, and I’m struggling to figure out what I truly want. Right now, I can’t seem to recognise what’s authentically me and what’s my BPD speaking.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Any advice would be really appreciated. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Lex23 

I just wanted to quickly pop by to say welcome and good on you for making your first post. It takes real courage to reach out and articulate these thoughts, and I'm sure that some of our members will be by soon to offer their perspectives and support.

This sounds like it's a very confusing space to be in and it's good that you're taking this step in talking about it, as voicing these things can often lead us a step closer to gaining some insight. I'm wondering if you've got any other supports who you have been able to talk about this with, your partner or a friend, or perhaps a professional support? Sometimes having these conversations with someone who really knows us can help us to get even more clarity.

Glad to have you here, and I'm looking forward to seeing the different perspectives that some of our other community members will offer

[Cleo2]

@Lex23 (@Ru-bee) It could be that you find it exciting to keep your secrets from your partner? It can be BPD and also not BPD at the same time. It really depends on how impulsive your decisions are. What are you thinking in the moment?

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Lex23 

Sounds like a tricky situation. I'm not polyamorous but I do have BPD. I think if you feel there are some ways in which you aren't navigating the situation in an ethical way I think this is going to affect you own perception of yourself and is likely going to increase the BPD symptoms. I also think that maybe if you create a little bit of space for yourself (if that is possible) then you can work out what you want. When emotions are running high, especially when you have BPD it's difficult to see the forest for the trees. But my experience of relationships in general is limited...so take what I say with a grain of salt. I mainly wanted to say hello and welcome to the forums 😊....and say it's great to have you with us.