Wife with BPD

[Crushedreed]

hello.

quick background: My wife has untreated BPD. (Long and chaotic 10year journey to get to this realisation). I’ve been using a resource to help- “stop walking on eggshells” book. It gives nice practical advice for living with someone who has BPD. 

current struggle: I was cleaning the kitchen. I believe this triggered my wife. She mentioned all the things I haven’t done, re cleaned the kitchen and decided to trash it the next day. She is adamant I provoked her to do all this and wants me to take responsibility for her actions. This 2 days of intense accusations. 

I depersonalise this. Aim to validate and communicate assertively if I’m pushed past my limits (eg.” I see things differently, I don’t believe I was uncontrolled and reactive when I asked for time out. I assertively communicate my limits and taking some self care”)

my wife seems to be growing more intense in her emotions and behavior after 3 days. I believe she is feeling invalidated and really fighting for me to fold and take all responsibility. It was a pattern I’m wanting to change. Any ideas around this? All I can see is to slug it out while she is protesting. It’s absolutely exhausting. 

thanks for your consideration.

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Crushedreed and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like this resource has been really helpful for you in managing your own reactions which is great. 

I wonder if your wife is aware of this pattern that you're trying to break with her. Is it something that you've been able to talk about before when things were less heightened?

As I don't have lived experience to draw on for this scenario, I will leave it to some of our wonderful community members who do to offer their ideas and insights. I look forward to reading what they can add!

[Crushedreed]

Hi @Ru-bee 

thanks for your response. Re discuss with my wife about patterns. That’s one area I’m struggling with. 

we have extremely differing views. It’s a real mind bender. I raised concerns in the past, and it escalated to her being convinced that I have NPD and extremely abusive man. She denies saying this, after I make changes…. then accuses me, and the cycle goes again. 

She is used to me absorbing her treatment for the past 10years. It’s entrenched in our dynamic. She is so sensitive that if I deviate to what she says, it’s a complete meltdown with cries of abuse (for example, cleaning the kitchen without her permission). 

Perhaps you’re right, that I still need to communicate my intentions despite my fears of protest. 

the book I referred to earlier clearly stated not to express my concerns she might have BPD. But, I still can express what im doing, without mentioning this. 

I’ll use the books method of DEAR (describe, express, assert, reaffirm) to describe the pattern, express my feelings, assert what I will and won’t do… then reaffirm every time there is a protest. 

I feel sorry for my wife to experience such severe abuse (in her experience) and experience such severe abandonment fears to stay in relationship. It’s a real double bind for her. It’s clear things will get worse as I make changes, I do hope it leads to better outcomes for both in the long run. 

I’ll let you know how that goes… I might wait until this episode clears…. I usually not want to rock the boat and enjoy the temporary peace while it’s there, but I’ll try push through to express myself. 

Pls let me know if there are gaps in my approach.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Crushedreed 

How are things with you today? 

I wonder whether you have reached a place where things are now calm between you and your wife? 

It can be really difficult to try to manage someone else's behaviours, particularly when the dynamic is entrenched, as you say. Really, we can only manage our own and try to place healthy boundaries that can protect our own wellbeing. 

I'm wondering whether professional counselling might be something you both might consider to help heal the relationship? Rather than thinking about labels, although this might be helpful for personal treatment, it might be useful to start to tease out the dynamics between you and the root of any issues? It can be helpful to approach it as a positive to rebuild, ie a new level of the relationship. 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Crushedreed 

How are you going today 

I will tag @Determined who has a wife with BPD 

[Determined]

Hi @Crushedreed 

I have walked alongside my wife who lives with BPD for almost 25 years.

The biggest thing I learned during a crises was healthy boundaries and predictable responses (by me). 

This was and still is hard to achieve. But worth the effort .

[Healandlove]

@Crushedreed thank you for sharing your experience with us. My husband has complex-PTSD that can sometimes come out as BPD.

I think you are doing all the right things. I understand your empathy. 

I think couple counselling can help where you are both in neutral ground and can feel heard. 

I hope things are peaceful in your house today.

Take time for yourself and connect with people that make you feel appreciated.

Our partners navigating such mental health conditions don't make it easy for us to always feel like we want to be around them.

It's OK to walk away for time on your own and try to reconnect when you are ready.

Wishing you the best. Take care of yourself. 

[Crushedreed]

Hi @8ppleTree 

thanks for your response. It did lead to a period of calm. It lasted about a week. Now it’s back to another episode. 

I do regular personal counselling. My wife is defensive to support, for example, the couples counsellor or psychiatrist has inbuilt patriarchy or misogyny (either male or female). In the end, if she wants to help her self, she will do it. Any external pressure (real or perceived) will just build defensiveness. 

I just work on myself, and there is plenty of my own stuff to keep me busy- e.g. being a yes man and continually place myself under extreme pressure as a default. 

reaching out to a network here is a new step for me. Thanks for responding. 

[Crushedreed]

@Shaz51 thx! 😊

[Crushedreed]

Hi @Determined 

thanks for reaching out! 

it is tricky to approach it. I’m finding it hard not to overly engage with the extreme over valuation. It feels really nice, but I am learning to reframe and observe it is a trauma response and it is a place of pain. 

it’s been calm, but there was a few days it was “great” only to realise I was ignoring my feelings of discomfort when my wife was extremely overvaluing the moment. As a result, it lead to a huge emotional crash and the obvious negative expressions are seen. 

on reflection, when my wife was exaggerating her business success to others, (when we are in crippling debt from it with little income), it should have been seen from me as a sign she has “split” and should put up my boundaries to myself and comment to my views only while validating hers… 

do you go through similar? How do you approach the extreme highs?