Wife with BPD

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Crushedreed 

Great to hear from you again. It sounds like there is progress, in that you are now both attending counselling together, even if things have become what sounds like a rather tense situation with boundaries. Progress is still progress!

Power dynamics can be great at the start of a relationship, and sometimes pretty awful in the bumpy phases of them. You mentioned you have a good job that supports your family but feel that your wife is controlling the home unfairly. I wonder whether this is something that can be addressed in the counselling sessions? This is certainly not an uncommon dynamic between couples that can fly out of balance due to the nature of society and the commonly impacting issues. 

I can only offer my sympathy though, living like that must be absolutely exhausting for everyone, and particularly difficult for you with the limited access to kids at the moment. Obviously you both care, otherwise you wouldn't be arguing. It can be awful for both parties to feel defensive and worried about the kids. It can really translate the fear coming across into distrust and anger, which is a shame. Sometimes stepping back for a bit can reduce the tension, even if it feels like capitulating. Would you both consider a temporary truce perhaps? 

Hope you're taking care of yourself today. Feel free to give a call to SANE's Support Line: 1800 187 263 (10AM - 8PM), if you feel like it, or you can also contact 

https://mensline.org.au/  for free telephone and online counselling service.

Take care 😌

[tyme]

I always tell people that with BPD, "strike when the iron is cold". @Crushedreed 

That is, there's no point trying to reason with them when they are heightened because they are using their emotional brain. You cannot reason with a fired up emotional brain. 

I hear how much fear she has. It sounds like because of this fear, she is doing everything she can to control her surroundings, including you. 

For me, the more emotionally out of control I was, the more i tried to control my surroundings to make them predictable. 

It's not easy living with a borderline.

Set yourself times for yourself. Let her know and keep to it. She WILL test those boundaries.

[Crushedreed]

Hi. I appreciate you sharing your lived experience. 

There is another experience that I struggle to understand. She tells me one thing. I do it. But then tells me another thing that contradicts. When I follow that, I assume the previous thing is void… but she becomes so angry that I changed. 

there is no recollection or acceptance that she contradicted herself. 

is it possible that she says things in her emotional brain that she will never remember? Do you get that feedback? Or is it fear of being imperfect/ defective? 

sorry for the questions 😅

[tyme]

It sounds like the emotional brain takes over and she just snaps with whatever is in her mind at that time @Crushedreed 

I can say I've been guilty of it. And the more you ask questions, the more frustrating it becomes for them. 

Yet with the right support and treatment, have you been told that BPD is very treatable? @Crushedreed 

[Crushedreed]

I am really treasuring this conversation with you! I really appreciate your time and investment to this conversation. I hope you can tolerate another question from me here. Sorry if I’m becoming too much!

first to answer yours- yes I know treatment and recovery is possible. I know it’s only possible if the person themself acknowledges and wants treatments. Otherwise nothing will work. Sadly, my wife sees nothing is wrong with her. 

my additional question/scenario is, and I’d like your thoughts, is that she [edited by moderator] was able to re narrate our background story to convey me as the most horrendous person, and she the victim. Has she repeats the story, it gets worse every time. It’s illogical to me. 

Me recollection: we connected really well.  She wanted to quickly progress to marriage during her court battle with what she describes as an incredibly abusive ex. I wanted to hold off until after court. She gave me an umtimatum, so I decided to marry. 

her version now 8 yrs later: I am an incredibly abusive person, the worst in her life. I prey on the vulnerable and took advantage of her while in distressed with court and forced and trapped her in marriage to further control and abuse her. 

I honestly see her version as illogical as I was a young single man with lots of women interested in me, I decided to forgo freedoms to be restricted to living in a specific location for the next 20yrs and help raise a child that’s not mine, all at my expense… with her ex always involved in a not helpful way… 

I gave up control and freedom for the relationship, yet I’m seen in the opposite. 

what’s you’re take on that? Should I make an effort to impose my versions? I haven’t yet as she seems to feel invalidated and fights more.. but she fights me anyway with intense contempt. Occasionally the overvaluation stage comes in… but rarely now. 

thanks for considering more messages from me, sorry I am becoming too much, feel free to not respond if it’s too much 🙂 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Crushedreed 

Just a forums tip, if you want someone to know you've replied, type the @ symbol and the person's name will appear from a dropdown box, you can then choose from, ie @tyme 

Hope you're taking care of yourself today 🙂

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Crushedreed 

Memory and perspective can be a funny thing. Our recollections aren't always very reliable things. As you can see with your wife, she appears to have a completely opposite memory to yours, one which could be influenced by her current state of mind and the state of your relationship. I can hear that this version of events is very hurtful to you, as you remember it as a time when you put aside your own wants to make her happy and marry before you felt ready. 

I'm wondering if a conversation here about these two versions of events could be helpful? I'm hearing your need to voice your experiences, though being sensitive to your wife feeling invalidated. I'm wondering if impose is the right word here. I don't think that imposing your experiences would be beneficial and would likely cause the other person to become defensive, rather I'd encourage you to express your experience of this time, and try to extend some curiosity to her memory and why these are so conflicting. If you're not sure your wife would be able to have this conversation, maybe it could be something to try during a counselling session, where the counsellor can mediate and ensure you're able to share your side. What do you think?

Also I just wanted to let you know that your post had to have a very slight edit just to remove a name to ensure it's in line with our anonymity guidelines. 

[tyme]

Hey @Crushedreed ,

Of course it's not too much for me to respond! Thank you so much for reaching out!

With your question around how your wife's story changes, from a fellow BPD-er's perspective, I see it as a result of trauma. In my BPD head, for me, there is a HUGE amount of internal dialogue. And the more one talks about a situation in their head, the more it is believable, even if it's not true.

For example, in my life, I'd flip from being totally 'happy' to feeling intense rage. Why? Because someone added a full stop (.) at the end of their text message. To be, it was a sign of them wanting me to stop talking, be quiet or go away. This in turn was a sign that they wanted to leave me or have nothing to do with me. This in turn turned to them hating me. Which eventually led to, "they are abusing me emotionally"...

Can you see how the narrative changes?

You asked whether you should try to impose you story on her. 

I can say yes, and I can't say no. I can't say yes, because it's not about whether you do it or not, but HOW you do it and WHEN you do it. 

Also, I can't say no, don't try and correct the story, because she may continue to go on and the story grows even more. 

So yes, it's a bit of a rock in a hard place.

What do you feel is right for her at this time? Do you have the energy to pursue your story? And IF you do, when and how will you go through this?

I'm imagining that life is pretty hectic for you. Yet I also know first hand that your wife's whole world may be chaotic...

I really see so many elements for complex trauma - I'm not saying from you... but who knows what the past was like (including her childhood)???

Main thing is, you MUST look after yourself first. In any relationship, if you feel you need to step away because of your own mental health, by all means, do it.

I'll wait to hear your response.

[Crushedreed]

Thx @8ppleTree

I missed that and with all my spelling errors and grammatical mistakes, I can see I was under a lot of stress at that time. Thanks for your help!