Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

[Determined]

Feeling more settled tonight after unloading to above mentioned trusted friend. Won't have an opportunity to catch up for another week but feels so freeing to acknowledge everything is not ok.

And after some soul searching, acknowledging some areas I of personal improvement where I can help myself. 

Expecting emotions to become more frayed before they improve but feeling ok about direction. (Which includes staying where I am in the belief that I can make a positive difference, not giving up and running away. Not that running away was ever an option. But I have wondered recently why do I stay 😕

Well I believe I have found an answer and I truly believe it is the right decision to dig in and persevere. 

[Smc]

@Determined, it's what they call a "wicked" problem. Whatever you decide, there's consequences.

My sister and I did suffer aftereffects from Mum's unpredictable behaviour, but we respect Dad for his decision to stick by her. He's been an example of loving faithfulness. Funny thing is, as his memory got hazier, what stuck in his mind wasn't all the arguments over the years, it was his love for Mum and committment to care for her.

And we know that in many ways, growing up in an unsettled household shaped us, and probably not for the worse. Your kids will have issues to sort out as they grow up. When they get out and about in the world, they'll see how other families live, and it will hit home how far away from "normal" their family life was. (Likewise our own family... Older Daughter has made things harder and much more complicated for them than I ever imagined.) I'd encourage them to seek mentors of their own, maybe conselling as they get older, because sometimes their own family are too close to talk things through. And if they know you've got their back in doing so, it will help to reinforce that they can trust you as their father to support and to let go as appropriate.

S'funny... kids growing up is like a toddler learning to walk all over again. Letting them go, knowing there's a likelyhood that they'll fall over, and knowing when or if you should step in to help them up.

[Determined]

@Smc 

One thing I need to be doing is gently explaining what is and is not acceptable behaviour. In a way that remains respectful to darling.

Watching personalities unfold, I can see one following in his mums footsteps and one after me. 

They need to understand that some behaviours are never ok.

I have always made excuses for their mother and that is not necessarily the best message to be sending them. 

[Determined]

I appreciate your thoughts @Smc,

tis helpful to get feedback like that. 

[Determined]

Submitted the final assessment of my degree yesterday.

Thought I would have been on a high to day but has been a bit of anti-climax.

Been flat today 😕

[Determined]

Did.a ride on my bike this morning, (commute so nothing too exciting) but felt good to be back on it again. Hoping to do a longer juat because ride next week. And try make it a weekly habit.

Also be back on the pushy again during the week. Try burn off some of the cortisol I have been living on for the past couple of weeks. 

[Smc]

Maybe mixed feelings re. the degree? Yay, it's done... but you expected it to be done a long time ago?

Hubby may find himself in that position sometime soon. He's on the final stages of a commissioned piece that the customer has waited way too long for, due to life as we know it being so unpredictable and high stress. She should have had the end results years ago, and has been amazingly patient, but it's going to be odd finishing then job when the expected satisfaction is compromised by it being so badly delayed.

[Determined]

@Smc 

I think a combination of that and also what to do next. Starting study was a bit of an impulse decision when I was unwell and out of options but knew I need to do something.  Study has in many ways my compass that has helped me out of bed and out of the house. 

Keeping my mind active  prevents shutting down in times of sstress.

Making decisions is a challenge. So what to do next is a source of anxiety.

But that can wait until the new year. 

[Determined]

I think a better way to describe that is that in many ways, for the past 8 years, study has been my sanity safety blanket. Now my 'blankie' has been taken away lol. 

8 years, wow, I was thinking it was 7 but I have been here for 8 years.

[Anastasia]

Well done on submitting your final assessment @Determined ✔️👍🎉

Hello @Smc 💞

I have just enlisted in a "life coach" as opposed to a psychologist. Figure I need a big kick up the behind and some behaviours of my own that are not helpful in dealing with my son and boundaries. 

Being in this Community has helped me be more aware. Change is needed and your little comment "not my bag to carry" really resonated @Determined 

Sounds like you have some soul searching to do as well. Never easy, always around for a chat.

It's nice to "see" you both ☕☕☕