Struggling as the wife and carer of a husband with depression

[amalia]

Hi everyone, I've been married for 7 years but together with my husband for around 18 years. In the last year, he has struggled with bad depression and suicidal ideation. Last May, he went to the psychiatric ward for 2 weeks, and since then it's been a slow process of recovery and lots of ups and downs. 

The last month he seems to have spiralled, and today he went back to the hospital again with suicidal thoughts. Today his suicidal thoughts were triggered by an argument we had, where I was frustrated about him being low and trying to get him to help himself feel better. I also told him I was starting to feel depressed because of being there for him through this for so long. 

I know that wasn't the right thing to say to him, but I am only human and most of the time I try not to say anything like that to him because I don't want to burden him while he's going through his own difficulties. But I'm really struggling to continue, it's just not sustainable.

Anyway, he called me from emergency this afternoon to say he had spoken to a doctor and he was leaving the hospital, but instead of coming home to me he is going to stay with his parents because he doesn't want to make me depressed, and that if I say things like that to him it might make him commit suicide.

I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do. I feel heartbroken, and I feel hurt, and I also regret saying what I said to him.

Any advice about how to move forward and build a sustainable relationship as a partner and carer, would be so appreciated.

Thanks for reading. 

[tyme]

Hi there @amalia ,

Welcome to the forums. 

I'm hearing how tough things are for you right now. Carer burnout is very real. I can see that you have been through a lot in terms of supporting your husband through his mental health recovery.

As much as it hurts at the moment, I wonder if your husband staying with his parents for a time will allow you to recover and recuperate yourself? For someone with mental health challenges, it is good to have a village around them. Doing it on your own for years on end can really take a toll and perhaps led to you making the comment that you did. 

When things have settled down a little, would you consider having an open and honest chat with him? Let him know how you have been feeling and you only want the best for both.

At this time, maybe it's good that he has some time away so you can both focus on your own mental health and wellbeing. 

Would he be open to communication at this time? That is, text messages or a chat over the phone?

What do you think?

[amalia]

Hey, thanks so much for the thoughtful reply. I think what you're saying makes a lot of sense and I'll think about it more tomorrow after I've had a decent sleep.

[tyme]

Please take care @amalia ,

You deserve it to have a good sleep.

Go to sleep in peace. Allow yourself to heal.

Then when you are both ready, you may be able to have a chat.

Remember, it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to support someone with their mental health. 

You don't have to do this alone. Seeing he is ready to have some time with his parents, embrace it.

It sounds like you both need a rest.

Hugs, tyme

[Tootsy]

I have heard of the village concept too but just realised I’m the village..just me! No wonder I’m a wreck. Take care

[Shaz51]

Hello @amalia how are you going today my friend 🧡 

Hello @Tootsy , @tyme