Depressed spouse

[Florrie4]

Hi 

I don’t even know where to start. I’m here because I don’t want to talk to and upset other family /friends. My psychologist is great but I feel like I’m justifying why I stay with my partner and I just want to touch base with others who may have some understanding about mine and my children’s experiences living with depression and AUD. We are all getting help and doing as well as can be expected …..but I’m just tired…. I’m sad….. the process to recovery is exhausting /uncertain and full of pain… I feel like my now older children and myself have so many unanswered questions and so many emotions we r dealing with. My husband has been living out of our house for 3 months now to ‘give us all space.’ He comes back 2x week to help out around the house and see us. He has always been a great provider, husband and Dad…and I’ve always been very appreciative but work has always come first and has been his escape. Work and drinking. He has battled depression since he was a teen but has never really named it. I’ve just gone with the ups and downs for 25 years.  Lots of religious/family stigma around mental health receiving support /medication etc. have been a block.  the last 3-5 years have been like riding an emotional rollercoaster of denial/deflection/anger/frustration/grief/uncertainty/emotional unsafety….to name a few. A black hole. Alcohol has been like throwing fuel on the fire. The relief of not having him living here and being able to uphold safe boundaries and not worrying sick about if he will make it home has given me a chance to relax and begin healing. Not to mention self-reflection and dealing with my own issues including anxiety working on my communication modes…and being the best version of myself. 

I felt like I couldn’t blame him for being depressed and desperately have tried to support him and hold our family together…..but I had to draw the line with the excessive drinking which has gone on for many years. The denial/blame/anger/ resentment/confusion/avoidance and finally emotional and physical distance the depression has put my own emotional /mental health in a really difficult place. I have to stay strong for my kids. I won’t tolerate him drinking. Drinking remains a huge trigger for me. I feel like the alcohol not the depression has destroyed our relationship. It has been a confusing time of awareness and understanding. 
Im hoping others can relate and share some tips? 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Florrie4 

I just wanted to pop by and welcome you to the forums. It certainly sounds as though you and your family have been through - and are going through- a lot, and I'm glad that you've found this space to reach out in addition to your other supports.

While I myself haven't experienced what you're going through, I know that many others have been through similar things and am sure that our wonderful community will be able to offer some of their lived experience with you soon.

[Healandlove]

@Florrie4 , welcome to the Forum.

I am so sorry for everything your family has gone through. You have done such an amazing job of hanging on and staying strong for your children. I can understand how conflicting all of your feelings are. Alcohol destroys lives. Is your husband getting help to? 

I am not living this exact scenario but I can relate to the feelings of wanting to protect my children and keep my family together.  My husband suffers from complex-PTSD and for us his main challenge is detachment and lack of self regulation. He is getting help but I live with the uncertainty of when will I be at peace and not be in vigilant mode.

You are doing the best thing now to have your peaceful world. Things may have to stay this way with your husband visiting and giving you all the time and space to heal. Hopefully he is getting help for his alcoholism. Sending you hugs 🫂.  Please look after yourself 🥰.