Daughter Has BPD and has kept it a secret

[Pekingpandaz]

I don't really know why I am here. I just know that I have had the worst couple days. My daughter and her partner live with me and were constantly fighting to the point that they get physical with each other. My daughter is the one who lashes out and starts hitting her partner, biting him, punching, kicking him, pulling his hair and calling him nasty names. I have tried to let them sort out their relationship and only step in when physical side starts happening. But I have told them that I cannot live with the violence as I am a domestic violence survivor and it scares me. So it happened again 2 days ago and I have explained that they had one last chance and if it happened again with physical violence that her partner would have to move out until we can figure out how we can improve things. I asked Her partner to move out 2 days ago when all this started again and he did, he went to a hotel and then my daughter went and stayed at the hotel with him and then yesterday at 8 am I get a video call from her she has blood running down her face and says mum can you come get me she was histerical and starts telling me that look at what he did, I was was in shock and I start crying over the video call and then I tell her I am on my way. I get another call 5 min later and I am visably still really shaken and really unsure and she asks me what's wrong mum and I said what do U mean? You just video called me and there is blood coming down your face. That's what's wrong and she says no it's ok don't panic it was just a accident and tries to tell me she accidentally hit her head while trying to pick up her bag. At this point she is so calm and my head is spinning. I get to the hotel the same time as the ambulance and she tells them this story that she accidentally hit her head while picking up a bag and they take her to hospital. I meet them there but cannot go in. I asked to see the doctor to talk to him and he comes out. I ask him did she tell you what happened? He said yeh she hit her head while picking up her bag. I said no that's not correct, and I explained that she has BPD and that she gets very violent and attacks her partner and retaliates back to her. I told him about previous situations and the day before and tell him she has a history of depression anxiety and some psychological issues and she isn't taking any medication. Then my daughter calls me from inside the emergency room I am outside the hospital and tells me I am a piece of shit why would I tell him all that it's all lies and I start crying again. I don't know what to do anymore.  I need help. I want her to be ok. I want my son in law to be ok. He is so scared of her. Everyone is scared of her. She also smokes weed which doesn't help but she won't stop. She won't take medication. Anyone please. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Pekingpandaz,
I really hear how difficult things are for you at the moment. I'm glad you've found yourself on these forums and have reached out, its really important to express how you're feeling and what you're experiencing and be heard by others.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can for your daughter and partner but I understand feeling lost and unsure what to do. Unfortunately, I dont have the answers for you but know that I hear you. 

Please know that we have a counselling team who you can call at our help centre on 1800 187 263 between 10am to 10pm Monday-Friday. I'm sure some other members will pop by soon and offer additional support.

Take care, CalmingNature 

[Tinker67]

@Pekingpandaz you've got so much going on.  It's really important that you put your own needs first and can feel safe in your own home.  Caring for a loved one with BPD can be so challenging, on so many levels, and so emotionally draining.  

We have 2 adult daughters with BPD, fortunately one has improved as she has aged and has become less reactive/erratic.  Unfortunately, another still oscillates between hating us and adoring us, which is an impossible way to have a healthy adult relationship.  We've had to set really firm boundaries about what we will and won't put up with, and sometimes that means having no contact with our daughter, which is painful but essential to protect ourselves. 

It is understandable that you want your daughter to be well, to be content, and to have healthy relationships.  It is really hard to stand by and have no control over any of that though.  Your daughter has to want to engage with help, and only she can choose that.  

Making sure you are getting the support you need is really important.  Getting support from a counsellor who can help you to figure out what your own boundaries are so you can feel ok might help?   It's a long haul, hey?  Take care.

[BPDSurvivor]

O @Pekingpandaz ,

I'm sorry to hear things have escalated to what it has. I can certainly see how difficult things are.

Does your daughter feel there needs to be a change? Or is she content with how things are going? Unless she wants help, and wants change, there is only so much you can do. It may even mean your son in law spending some 'time out' until your daughter gets the support she sounds like she so desperately needs. I'm sure both you and your son-in-law know things cannot continue as they are. It is now your daughter that needs to see that.

Changes in behaviour cannot begin until the person has a realisation that things aren't working.

Unfortunately, BPD cannot be 'cured' by medication. However, it sounds like weed is not helping the situation.

Really, it sounds like long-term psychotherapy is required to fill the void that is causing her to use weed. There's a lot of work to be done. But it must begin with her.

Hence, in the meantime, you need support for yourself. I think you have done the right thing in saying domestic violence is not accepted in your house. As much as someone with BPD rages, they do not have the right to physically hurt anyone - this can be classified as assault.

What supports do you have for yourself to be able to manage and cope? Family? Therapists? It also sounds like your son-in-law needs support too in learning how to cope with challenges that come with being with someone who has BPD.

Once again, I'm sorry to hear how things are @Pekingpandaz . 

I've lived with BPD for over a decade, and I only sought help when I was at the absolute end of myself - I'd had enough of hurting myself and others. I had to seek help myself. No one could do it for me.

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

How are you @Pekingpandaz ? Just checking in to see how things are.

BPDSurvivor