Hey there @Healandlove 🙂🌺💜
thanks for your lovely message, and sorry for the delay.. I haven’t been as well as I’d like lately, and I live alone so I have to use energy where it’s most needed each day, and pace things well 🌺
your words really resonated with me… I found I came to a place where the unconscious, in-built hierarchy of respect to siblings and parents dissipated, and I saw the relationship dynamics through a new lens of objectivity. I could see how the behaviours and dynamics had shaped my own behaviours and nurtured an ability in me to compromise, sacrifice, and placate - all in my nature to keep the peace and have a semblance of harmony and love. I became the firefighter, putting out fires, when others took it upon themselves to start them.
My parents and adult carers didn’t see how these dynamics were uncontrolled for by them (they had little in the way of good parenting skills), and thus blamed others a lot for disharmony, and as a result enacted significant and severe disciplinary actions.
It was this behaviour that brought me to the realisation that there was a lot more going on than just me being wrong or ‘misbehaving’; I was but a very small inconsequential part of a series of interactions that were perpetually unhealthy - none of it my fault (I think I was around 5-6 years old when I realised this, so I went through the rest of my life knowing I’d do things very differently).
When my youngest brother was born, I took care of him like he was my own, and spoke to him every day from as soon as he looked at me, about how relationships work, how to manage conflict, and what was happening around him, so he wouldn’t grow up with deep confusion about relationship dynamics. I spoke to him about everything in terms of how the world works, in a fair, plain, unbiased way, from a curious point of view. I did this because I didn’t want him to be a prisoner of the mind in terms of relationships and dynamics/hierarchy, when things aren’t nurturing.
One of the hardest things has been the knowing that these adults had no idea what they were doing in terms of appropriate parenting, and took out their angst in patterns of learned behaviour from their own trauma, or just out of sheer frustration with their own lives, on the little people around them - who really had no idea why, but tried to do their best to fit in and find their place anyway, which often resulted in many compromises within themselves. Anyway, this is what I observed as I grew up, and as much as I analyse my own conclusions, I can’t seem to find any other explanation I’m my case.
I thought I’d write it so you could have a glimpse into another persons thoughts about family dynamics, relationships, and compromises that those without power and limited choices have to make, and how that can influence them then and now.
As a result of my experiences, I feel like I see way too much of the relationship dynamics, and very little of the simple nurturing care that should be chosen much more often to share, so I have (even before I was unwell) chosen to spend most of my time alone…a consequence of some of my experiences.
If I’m hurt, I seek to be alone. I think that - to varying degrees - happens when there are hard-to-navigate emotions attached to relationships.
I guess one of the most important things was knowing that it’s not just me, and not just my job to fix ‘me’, but to learn to not be responsible for what was not ‘me’ in terms of the dynamics 🙂🌺
sorry for rambling on a bit… I’m a bit exhausted today 🌺
take good care of you, and know you have lots of care and compassion here - and a big hug from me 🤗🌺💜☺️
