Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Former-Member]

Community groups are a great starting place as a mutual interest is helpful. As gardening is my thing the garden club was a logical place for me to start looking for friendship when we moved to a new area.

I have found that it does not take long to find someone who needs a friend but you do need to be brave and put yourself out there and don't give up.

My mum at aged 80+ found a fabulous friend after going to a new church when her circumstances changed.

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

Thanks to @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope & @Shaz51 for your previous responses. 
This week's question is:

I have a good friend who has a mental illness. The warning signs that things aren't going well for her are when she becomes nasty towards me. I have read that people with mental illness can often break away from friends and family and isolate themselves. I think she becomes nasty towards me because she's trying to isolate. Typically after a week or two she will apologise and say she's been under a lot of pressure or some other excuse, saying she 'didn't mean it'

Her attacks are very personal. Sometimes I'm okay and remind myself she's probably unwell and doesn't mean it - but sometimes I'm going through my own stuff and a bit sensitive and take it to heart. I don't know what to do.

Do I keep her as a friend?

Do I try to support her when she's nasty to me, knowing it's a sign she's going downhill?

Do I ignore it and just accept her apology every time?

Do I end the friendship for my own wellbeing?

So many questions!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi, and welcome to the forums ....

Hi @NikNik ..... 😊

I see a few different parts to your query, but first of all I love that you care so match for your friend, have compassion for her, and are trying to find a way to make this work for both of you.

Mental illness is that .... an illness ..... do you walk away from a friend who has been diagnosed with diabetes, or cancer ? Anyone in that situation will also be highly emotional at times, and may not be good company when they are. They may even lash out at you on a personal level, not wanting to be pitied, and alternatively, telling you that you don't / can't understand what try are going through, and try to push you away. Perseverance is a key value in dealing with illness, whatever form that takes.

The next thing is, bad manners are bad manners, and you ought to have some sort of response to them for the sake of your own self-esteem. People who continue to invest in bad manners without anyone saying. "I am
sorry, I don't accept being treated that way"
continue on their self-destructive path. You don't have to say it in words. You can just become more reserved, and very polite, in response, but not give of yourself personally while the person is in a disrespectful mood. They will work out the difference, and hopefully gravitate towards the style of relationship they would prefer to have with you. When they do apologise later, you can say, "Okay, I understand you weren't feeling great in that moment, but it was hurtful. Can you try to temper it a bit next time ? I care about you but I'm going to have to stand back a bit from hurtful behaviour moments". I will
Give them something to think about and maybe work a little harder on self control, or developing their own temporary facade to keep the hurtful behaviours contained in the moment.

Like any relationship it will take work, offering suggestions, letting them know you are there for them, but not in doormat capacity.

All the best with it ....

🌷💜. F&H

[Janna]

Hi and Welcome 😊

People who are not feeling well (either physically or emotionally) have a tendency to lash out and behave in a manner which is not appropriate, and can be hurtful to those close to them.  It's normal.  When somebody says something hurtful or behaves in a manner that is out-of-character and not nice, it is indeed a warning sign that they are struggling and under severe stress.  As a good friend it is important to allow this to happen and to try not to take anything said personally .... even though this may be hard at the time due to your own vulnerabilities.

People in general have a hard time fessing up that they are struggling emotionally.  We live in an age where we have fundamentally been conditioned into suppressing our emotions and maintaining a facade of health and well-being.  It takes a very brave person to actually speak out about how they are really feeling internally.  As a good friend it would be great if you could speak directly with her about her behaviour and to ask what is really going on for her.  Truthfulness and honesty when conveying feelings is a two way street.  Perhaps if you talk openly about the not-so-good things happening for you, this will make her feel more at ease to share her feelings with you.  At some point you need to let her know that what she says hurts you, but also assure her that you are there to listen to her in a non-judgmental way.  

If you believe that she is suffering with a mental health illness you need to view this as you would any other illness of the physical variety.  There really is no difference, other than one being physically based and the other being psychologically based.  One may be seen, or validated via tests, while the other is unseen and not able to be validated easily. 

It's really important to keep your boundaries in place.  Tell her up front that you are there for her as a friend, but that you need to draw the line in the sand when it comes to her saying nasty and hurtful things.  Not because you don't like her or want to end the friendship, but because you are trying to protect yourself emotionally.  If you feel for whatever reason that your continuing friendship is significantly compromising your own well-being then it may be wise to distance yourself from her, but not before you advise her of what you are doing and why. 

I feel that you need to talk openly with her about the exact concerns and issues you've raised here.  Tell her that you are concerned for her mental well-being.  Tell her that you are questioning your friendship because of her behaviour.   Give her the opportunity to hear you and take/make corrective measures.  

I guess this boils down to how much you value your friendship with her.  The very fact that you have posted here implies that you do value it, and that you are anguishing over what to do, rather than just abandoning the entire friendship.  It's a sign of emotional maturity on your behalf to take the time to consider her, you, and to consult others, before making any major decisions.

I believe there is nothing more postively powerful than to have the love, understanding, tolerance and compassion of another human being.  

"A true friend is someone that sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face".  🌹

Hope this has been useful.  All the best.

Janna ❤️

[Shaz51]

Hello @NikNik 

hello and welcome to the forum

Do I keep her as a friend?-- ask yourself a question , if she had cancer would you still want to be her friend , this is no difference

Do I try to support her when she's nasty to me, knowing it's a sign she's going downhill? to answer this question I would Tell her up front that you are there for her as a friend, but that you need to draw the line in the sand when it comes to her saying nasty and hurtful things.

knowing it's a sign she's going downhill?-- when you notice that  she is going downhill , is there a way that you know that you can help her before , during and after

[NikNik]

Happy Monday!

A big thank you to these wonderful people for responding to last week's question -

@Shaz51 @Janna @Faith-and-Hope

This week's question:

My partner is showing signs that he is slipping into psychosis again. I know the signs and symptoms and i have asked my partner subtly if he's okay and he says he is. I don't know if he's try to cover it up so he doesn't go to hospital or has no insight.

What do you do when you start seeing the signs, but have no ability to do anything about it?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Welcome to the forums ....

Hi @NikNik .... 😊

I don't have any answer or experience with psychosis .... have encountered delusional thinking in my hubby but that has settled into a liveable pattern for now.

I do have empathy for how you are feeling though .... my hubby is still in denial and it was so hard to come through a period of knowing that things were going seriously off the rails but I couldn't flag any intervention owing to laws designed to protect the individual - ironic when all information ports were stressing that early intervention was key to successful treatment. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your struggles, and it can help so much just to have a voice .... to be able to tell someone ....

If you are dealing with specialist support, it would be a good idea to try to sketch out an action plan for when this is happening.

🌷💜

[Shaz51]

Hello and welcome to the forum

Hello @NikNik 

I am the same a @Faith-and-Hope, as I don't have any answer or experience with psychosis .... 

know the signs and symptoms and i have asked my partner subtly if he's okay and he says he is. I don't know if he's try to cover it up so he doesn't go to hospital or has no insight.

What do you do when you start seeing the signs, but have no ability to do anything about it?

Asking him if he is ok and keep dropping hints and suggestion that it might be good to talk to someone about it , saying that you have noticed the signs and symptons that something might not be right

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope - thanks for your responses last week. This week's question is:

Do you have a responsibility to a spouse who is maybe showing signs of dementia, but has had alcoholic issues, and refuses to be sensible about drinking and following medical advice? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Welcome to the forums ....

Hi @NikNik 😊

Wow .... that's an issue and a half ....

I have a spouse in denial with an eating disorder, so I understand something of what you are feeling, that's for sure .... watching as he damages himself is beyond words awful .... while is not dementia over here, we have had delusional moments with this .... huge learning curve cos I didn't expect that could happen .... at least not at this level and in this form.

The only advice I can offer you is what I / we (.... includes the kids) have chosen to do, and that is to walk along with him to the best of our ability, trying to limit the collateral damage and keep him pacified as best we can.  

In saying that, there needs to be balance.  We encountered emotional abuse as we tried to stage our own intervention - wasn't obvious to the doctor and others so we don't have diagnosis, and therefore access to direct support and treatment.  You have to stand against abuse in the relationship, directly if possible, but at least with a degree of passive-resistance otherwise, and we have remained mindful of the fact that we can leave if the going gets too rough.  As with everything, there would be fall-out from that choice too.  Nothing is easy.

Wishing you courage and hope in persevering with your situation.  He may have to hit rock bottom before he will accept intervention.  Ours too ....

Take care

🌷💜. F&H