Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

Thanks to everyone who contributed to the previous question.

This week's question is:

Hello,

We have recently found ourselves trying to care for our 35 year old niece who has been battling complex mental instability for 20 odd years. The relationship with her parents and brother, who have tried to help over the years, has completely broken down. 

We are feeling completely overwhelmed. 

She suffers from anxiety, depression, very low (if any) self esteem and has been given many labels; OCD, BDD, BPD. She constantly talks about not wanting to be in this world, that she's had enough and that she can't deal with the pain anymore and has recently self harmed. The problem is because of these severe disorders we are unable to get her to see a professional to get help. She has in the past been forcibly taken to hospitals where they administer antipsychotics and offer group therapy which she can't participate in. 

She's been to private and public hospitals and then is discharged. 

In the past she has lived with her family, with whom she has big issues and is not possible now and in private accommodation on her own organised by her family. The living on her own only works for a while as she doesn't function (others need to make sure she has food etc) and she ends up in hospital again. It's like a revolving door and there's be no resolution.

Now we are faced with the same dilemma and the real possibility of ending up shattered like her parents. She was staying with us for about 10 days but she couldn't cope being with us. She had been discharged from a private hospital as she was unwilling to sign for a further stay and was advised to present  to the ED of a major public hospital. She spent the night in a park self administering anti anxiety meds. She then returned to the ED where the social worker provided a list of cheap hotels and organised her stay. She was there approximately 3 nights and then appeared on our doorstep unannounced. The last time we saw her was eight years ago. We have her in temporary holiday accommodation and we are trying to get a unit for her in the hope that with our support she will agree to seek help. We really don't want to get the Mental Health Emergency Response Line team in as we know she will be out eventually and have nowhere to go as she will not have anything to do with us if we do that. We fear she will end up on the street or worse.

We are desperately seeking any advice or help to steer us through this seemingly hopeless situation.

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest People,

How are you this morning ?  I hope to sound as  mindful as I feel about you.

 It's so so sad what your writing and I'm so sorry what you are dealing with. I am so proud of you for staying in there.......

I am sitting next to my husband, a person that was chucked out from the hospitals as being too damaged and too uncontrolable. three times in jail, once for 9 months after we got married.

He now sees his nurses and his Doctors every fortnight. He is on medication and has quit very very fullon drug use, alcohol drinking like you cannot believe and smoking cigarrettes. He is 48 years old. 

I need to get going but will get back to you as soon as I have finished work. 

Your neice HAS got hope. this is hope for her. It's just going to be; one step forward and one step back for a little while if you are willing to stay there. And oh, have I need there with my own children and my husband. 

!. can you write down the most important things that you are dealing with right now.

Put them in short term, medium term, long term coloums. 

Just a tic, I need to get my husband off and will get back to you but there is a lot of hope. 

[Janna]

The first thing I want to say is that it's OK to feel completely overwhelmed and hopeless with regard to your niece and the situation.  I would be feeling exactly the same. My heart goes out to her and to all the family that have been so profoundly affected by her mental health issues.  Dealing with such severe mental issues for such a prolonged period of time is truly a test of human resolve and endurance.  Unfortunately there are no easy solutions and huge gaps within the mental health care system who are more equiped to deal with acute, rather than chronic, mental health problems.  It sounds to me as if your niece has had alot of support, both from family and professionals and that everyone is trying very hard to help her.  The one thing that came to mind as I was reading was a "halfway house" or community assisted housing alternatives.  I'm not too knowledgeable with regard to this or what options may be available, but I'm thinking that she may do well in a shared house type of set up that is overseen by a manager or to be set up in community housing with a carer that can assist with meals, medications, etc.  I have no idea what state you are in but I found this:

 https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/housing-and-accommodation-support-for-...

Perhaps this might give you some ideas on alternative living arrangements which you may want to persue.   Don't hesitate to give some of the organisations listed here a call, even if you're not from Victoria.  They may be able to provide you with links to similar counterparts in other states.

In the meantime if she needs acute care for the time being then please don't hesitate to initiate it.  Her safety and well-being are the number 1 thing.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[PeppiPatty]

I completely agree with @Janna. When she writes of gaps in the mental health system.

When I first remet my husband ( we went to high school together) ......we saw his Psychiatrist re; a community order, he bought 4 bottles of cheap wine and glogged them down. I was horrified. After the appiontment that I was forbidden to speak at by my then boyfriend..I walked out and said, if I had appiontments like that: I would be a drug user and an alcoholic as well.

These Psychiatrists told him that he was a danger to the community and should be locked up. When my husband tried to answer back ( drunk) they interuppted him. There were 4 Psychiatrists there and one was  "Checking me out." I felt like saying get stuffed, we get help from my Psychotherapists and he doesnt have to drinnk 4 bottles of wine before he sees her .......

So, what @Janna writes feels so right to me, to look at half way houses feels so right. You need to put yourself first and how are you going to do that when you are overwhelmed and worried?

You sound like a very caring couple and great to look around for further advise,

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi new carers ....

I don't know how to offer you advice in this situation, but I can offer my empathy ....

I have a husband, dearly loved, in deep denial with an eating disorder .... undiagnosed .... so it's pretty clear what it is from our end of things but we can't move on it as a family until he emerges from denial and accepts help .... or he runs aground with a health collapse ....

His behaviour was hostile and getting worse last year as we tried everything we could to reach into his inner world and flag him to his illness .... and in response his animosity and aggression escalated.

As much as we don't like to enable him .... and that was a major struggle with conscience for all of us - we have five adult children and a couple of in-laws - unfortunately we are left with a limited choice. We can either pack up and leave him, or try to just walk alon with him, keeping him as pacified as we can .... we have chosen the latter, with the boundary that some of his worst eating disordered behaviours are not exhibited within the family environment. In reapinse to that, he has hidden those particular ones and is pretending to us all that they no longer exist .... rather like a child playing "hide under a blanket and you don't know I'm here" .... but whatever .... we are playing along with it to keep the peace.

I don't know whether it helps to hear someone else's story .... what I am really wanting to convey is that you're not alone .....

You will be able to develop some strategies, and others will come forward with shared support services and ideas .... two critical things are to care for yourselves as much as the person you are caring for .... you matter too .... and remember that the ultimate responsibility lies with the person themself .... you can walk with them but you can't make their choices for them .....

Bless you. Please stay in touch with this site .... it's good for you while you are trying to be good for your neice ....

🌷💜 F&H

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

Thanks to @PeppiPatty @Janna & @Faith-and-Hope for helping out with last week's quesiton.

This week's question is:

My partner has bipolar and has said he really likes his mania. He gets stuff done, he's inspired, creative and has a lot of energy. Without fail though, he crashes after the mania and his depression is so devastating that I worry leaving him alone.

He won't take his medication because he wants to keep having mania - but his lows are so.... deep. I don't know what to do. On one hand I completely understand him wanting to have his manic epsiodes - it seems like it's the only time he enjoys life, but on the other hand, I worry he is going to harm himself.

It's like a curse!

Any suggestions - should I just let him not take his medication? How can I reason with him?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Good morning all ....

I can empathise with the fact that you can't control your partner's choices, and the ones he is making are not what you perceive to be wise ..... I have that in my husband too ....

Bipolar I am not closely familiar with. I have a DIL who struggles with it but she and my son keep private about it generally. It is likely also to have been the mi my grandmother struggled with, but in those days there was no real diagnosis or treatment, so what you are experiencing was a reality for my mother, and her father and siblings growing up ..... I know that doesn't make it any better for you .... but you are not alone in having faces this situation and people do develop coping strategies beyon medication - in the past it was from necessity .....

I am presuming he is seeing a psychologist .... and that you can go with him to discuss this issue ? If not, it sounds like it would be a good idea for you to see a psychologist for your own emotional support in walking through this with him ..... psychologists are there for us too .... family members who are bound to mi's through our relationship with the sufferer .....

Take care .... here to listen .... we can walk along with you ....

[Former-Member]

It's Monday so it's time to Ask Anything!  Thank you @Faith-and-Hope for responding to our last question.

This one reflects a bit of a theme in the forums of late:

Most of the time I enjoy caring for my son.  It's been tough but I'm so proud of both of us that we've got through and he's now doing better.  The problem is that I now realise that I'm all alone.  His Dad left years ago and I realise that my focus on him has affected my friendships.  Killed them really.  Now that I have a little more time on my hands there is nobody to spend it with.  

Is anyone else in the same boat?  I don't know whether to just accept it - lonliness being part of getting older.  And if I choose not to accept it, what do I do?  I don't think I've made a new friendship in 30 years.  I'd be grateful for any advice.  

[Shaz51]

hello , welcome to the forum

It will take time to form friendships again ,

but getting involved in the commuity where you live is a good start .

To join a group ? have you got a hobby that you love ?? getting involved in

also one day at a time ,

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi and welcome to the forums .... 🌷

Here are a few suggestions ..... I hope the list is not overwhelming .... my intent is to provide a bit of a menu in dot point form just to twig something with you that appeals .

Contact a local community centre and join a group class, like poetry writing or painting classes for beginners ....

If you have a swim centre you can access, join the water aerobics class.

Take a regular seat in a local coffee shop and chat a little to the people behind the counter, the person who brings your coffee, smile at other people, complement someone on their baby .... just learn to be casually social without bonding.  Across time you will start to feel like a local.  Do a crossword there or read a book and people-watch.

Volunteer to help in a local school or hospital.

See if you can join a ten-pin bowling class, or lawn bowls if that's your preference ....

If there are tourism services in your town, offer to be a guide.  Same for a local zoo.

Look up church groups in your area.

Volunteer your services on charity run days handing out water, putting up signs or tape and things.

Its really about stepping out again into the streams of life around you.  Some of it will just be general socialisation, but friendships develop from such things as these .... but you have to put yourself out tgere a bit first.