Topic Tuesday // Setting Boundaries // 22 November 7 - 9pm AEDT

[MIFSAsupport]

@Murphy yes, there is a fine line between empowering and enabling.  saying things like

• I'm going to give him another chance." "I want to give him the benefit of the doubt."  The we are stuck again.

[MIFSAsupport]

If a carer assume responsibility for his/herself as a carer and as an individual, they begin to:

Care with the potential to engender change in the one being cared for. Distinguish acceptable and unacceptable from appropriate and inappropriate.

[CARING4CARERS]

Sorry, can I ask what that means? 

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@MIFSAsupport wrote:

If a carer assume responsibility for his/herself as a carer and as an individual, they begin to:

Care with the potential to engender change in the one being cared for. Distinguish acceptable and unacceptable from appropriate and inappropriate.

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[CherryBomb]

Does this mean that a step to building boundaries is taking care of yourself as well?

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@MIFSAsupport wrote:

If a carer assume responsibility for his/herself as a carer and as an individual, they begin to:

Care with the potential to engender change in the one being cared for. Distinguish acceptable and unacceptable from appropriate and inappropriate.

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[Murphy]

In my professional life I am responsible for supporting Carers and I work with establishing boundaries with my clients and my team continually. I do find it so much harder with my daughter, and I am sure it is mainly to do with my granddaughter, as I want to ensure that she remains safe and that I continue to have contact with her. Such a hard one, would be happy to hear a different perspective.

[MIFSAsupport]

Rewards for maintaining the boundaries effectively can also be negotiated in the process. Be aware that not sticking to agreed boundaries can provide reinforcement for the development of behaviours other than what was intended in the first place. A particular action that breaches an agreed boundary may, in the moment, provide some short term relief. However, short term fixes can be maladaptive in the long term and if we are inadvertently rewarding these behaviours. Working with clear boundaries may mean less direct involvement from the carer and therefore more time from the caring role. This doesn't indicate caring less, instead, it means caring in a different way.

[MIFSAsupport]

@Murphy I agree.  Like you, I work with carers all day, yet caring for my loved one can be challenging.  It is because we have a relationship with our loved one and we dont want to risk damaging this.  As I mentioned before, it is what is important to us, our values.

[Former-Member]

Hello @MIFSAsupport

I have a question that perhaps doesn't really fit, but I would like advise. I have a friend I support and that supports me as well (both affected by MI) what is the best way to set boundaries and is there an agreement we can reach where we say, if I get to such and such state, inform relative, doctor etc.? I've made a great new friend in hospital, but it is sometimes either hard as I need to step back for my own health, but on the other hand I am concerned about my friend. We do share more with each other as we understand each other better than our other friends and family.

Thanks 🙂

[CherryBomb]

@MIFSAsupport, in one of the videos that @Appleblossom shared (see earlier posts in thread), there was talk about how setting boundaries can be stressful at first. Perhaps this is because it involves change - both for ourselves and our loved - when we make a stand around things that we might not have done in the past. Any tips for how to hold our ground during this challenging phase?

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@MIFSAsupport wrote:

Rewards for maintaining the boundaries effectively can also be negotiated in the process. Be aware that not sticking to agreed boundaries can provide reinforcement for the development of behaviours other than what was intended in the first place. A particular action that breaches an agreed boundary may, in the moment, provide some short term relief. However, short term fixes can be maladaptive in the long term and if we are inadvertently rewarding these behaviours. Working with clear boundaries may mean less direct involvement from the carer and therefore more time from the caring role. This doesn't indicate caring less, instead, it means caring in a different way.

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[MIFSAsupport]

I may have already posted this info on ACT> sorry if I have but it a great strategy to use when working on boundaries.

The Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a great model that touches on a key concept of values and “workability.” Workability is at the very heart of every intervention or change we make. To determine workability, we ask this question: “Is what you’re doing working to make your life rich, full, and meaningful?” If the answer is yes, then we say it’s “workable,” so there’s no need to change it.  If the answer is no, then we say it’s “unworkable,” in which case we can consider alternatives that work better.  Sometimes these changes involve risks and fears. Will my loved one hit rock bottom without me around as much?  Will they become more unwell?  Will they end their life. Often carers are not prepared to take these risks.  It is their choice only.

Workability becomes complicated fast when in relationship to others i.e. returning home drunk every night may be working for one person but not the other. This is when we need to start looking at boundaries (what I am prepared to do or not) in relation to values (feeling safe in my home, relationship, fun, etc).

Setting new boundaries can only happen when the time is right for you the carer and for the person you support.

Be aware that these changes will have a ripple effect on the family/friends unit.

Decide what you value most, is it your relationship with your loved one or is it something else?

https://www.actmindfully.com.au/