Topic Tuesday // Managing Relationships// Tonight 7pm AEST

[Lindsay]

Have you seen the TED talk Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability? In this talk Brené, a social worker and researcher, discusses what her studies have taught her about the power of human connection. Our ability to empathise, belong and love. Basically, she found that what is the biggest predictor in the quality of our relationships is our ability to be vulnerable. To be able to be the person that we are and to openly share this with another. If you haven’t seen it I would greatly encourage you to have a look at it here http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

It is an interesting concept, because it is damn scary to be vulnerable. Also, many of us have had experiences of being vulnerable and of being hurt or let down. I am really interested to hear from you. What do you think? Does our ability to be vulnerable really matter when trying to connect with other human beings?

[Lindsay]

@Jacques it sounds like at time you would prefer to be left alone by others yet at the same time you also don't want to offend others.
Many of our relationships have these kind of tensions in them. I wonder do others have strategies that they use to get both what they need from others and also to maintain a healthy relationship?

[Jacques]

Yes i have been made fun of anf humiliated because i have speration anxiety from my parents, i have not spent a night away from them since 1994, when i tell people this, their first reaction is to laugh, their second reaction is to make fun of me because i am 33.  so i don't tell anyone now, i try to push everyone away so i don't become vulnerable.

[Mazarita]

@Lindsay I guess there are degrees of vulnerability too. As I mentioned, I have always been insecure, so opening that up ALL the time can be grating for other people. I try to strike a balance these days though not sure how successful I am with this. My pyschiatrist has been challenging me on this tendency to be too revealing sometimes. In general though I agree that being able to be vulnerable is helpful to relationships. This may be one thing I find a bit difficult with my partner - he is rather stoic and uncommunicative about his own inner issues, preferring to deal with his emotions himself than share them with me a lot. He almost never cries.

[Lindsay]

@Jacques It sounds like you've felt judged and critisised by many people. Unfortunately, stigma is a huge issue for people suffering mental health difficulties in the community. It is something that comes up far too often for my clients. Yet the interesting thing is how common mental illness is. Almost half of Australians aged 16-85 will experience a mental illness over their lifetime. Mental illness is the leading cause of disability burden in Australia. Depression accounts for more days lost to illness than any other physical health condition.

I wonder why people can still pick on those suffereing a mental illness? This just doesn't make sense to me!

[Lindsay]

If you experience stigma, it is important to challenge the myths and misconceptions about mental illness. Such as:

Many violent people (up to 90%) have no history of mental illness.

Most people recover from mental illness.

Mental illness has nothing to do with someone’s capabilities or their future.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Lindsay

I was shocked when first mocked by husband for meditating and doing yoga .. but if he was telling kids what to do and we all did the child's pose it was ok cos he was in charge .. he is now an ex.

I have been consciously working with vulnerability and openness since early 1990s through personal development and studying Moreno and psychodrama direction, when I broke walls of silence down around me and started just speaking as things were for me.

I am less impressed by Brene Brown cos I have a feeling she is a little casual about how she refers to her mother .....but certainly dont disagree with the words and values you posted.

Re vulnerability .. it is a problem in that I didnt really get enough skill in how to choose who to be vulnerable with and was there leaving myself open to being hurt .. on the other hand it is just me and at least I am learning how intolerant the world actually is for my issues and life stories ... I am now concentrating on boundaries but hoping to keep them permeable .. ie not to shut out others completely .. but start encouraging others to jump through a couple hoops instead of me being a total marshmallow pushover.

[chookmojo]

 Hi @Lindsay

Thanks for being here tonight, this is an interesting topic.

I find relationships challenging because I am not a fan of intimacy or vulnerability. I prefer to keep people at a bit of an arms length, which can be hard on romantic partners. The anxiety and ASD make it hard for me to spend much time with people too, and it can be hard to maintain friendships.

I am also estranged fro m my family, so I very much feel like I have to be on the ball. There's no couch for me to crash on if things go bad.

[Lindsay]

@Mazarita you're spot on! I don't think that issue is addressed well in the TED talk. I think it is both how can you be vulnerable. But also, how can you feel safe... That is a really tricky dilemna to work out. I tend to think of trust on a sliding scale. There are some people who you'd trust with your car keys but you might not trust them with a secret.

I had a client once who really strugled with how much to trust people. She felt that she should either completely trust people or not trust them at all.

I'm interested to know how you decide to trust with what in your life?

[Former-Member]

Hi all, (sorry I'm late, just got my lil ones into bed... not yet asleep though) 

Relationships... not sure i know what relationships are really meant to look like. my parents were both abusive... and I dont have any contact with anyone in my family. I married someone who i thought was amazing but he turned out to be very violent and abusive and i left with our two children a few years ago. I have a 2 or 3 people that i would consider 'friends' but they live a fair way away now as we've had to move a few times over the last few years and I havent been able to form any new friendships at all. I do ok as a mum, but its hard. I love them so so so much and would never hurt themt he way I was hurt

but...

My question is... can you grow up and just... miss out on some essential and vital learning and ingredients for having successful relationships if you werent exposed to them? 

LJ