Topic Tuesday // Healthy Relationships in Lockdown // Tues 31st August, 7:00-8:30PM AEST

[Shaz51]

@cloudcore 

The biggest one is focusing on everyone's else's needs before my own needs which sometimes never gets met 

@Daisydreamer , @Former-Member 

[Former-Member]

Question 3: How do you talk about your boundaries with those in your home? What are some communication skills to keep in mind?

When someone oversteps your boundaries at home especially a partner, it is important to communicate your needs directly. You can do this by using “I” messages and expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs without offending the other person.

Whenever we say “I feel” followed by the words “that, you or like” we are expressing a thought disguised as a feeling which is not effective communication. When saying “I feel like you are not listening” OR “I feel that you only do what you want”, we are not communicating our feelings, but rather our thoughts or opinions.

Follow these three steps to communicate information about you rather than the other person.

1. State the facts
2. Express what is going on for you
   1. Thoughts – I think that….
   2. Feelings – I feel (feeling word)
3. I prefer OR I would like

• Express each point in 2 sentences or less.
• Be direct and specific rather than general

For example:

When you raise issues about the house express your needs while I am working. I think that I must be in too many places at once and I feel overwhelmed. I prefer that we talk about personal issues when I am not working or that you check with me whether I have time to talk about something before starting the conversation.

While we are home, and we are spending more time together. I have mixed thoughts and feelings. On the one hand, I think it is great and I appreciate that the time we have together, on the other hand I miss spending some time doing the things I enjoy on my own. I would like to spend some time today / tomorrow on my own to engage in my hobbies.

[Former-Member]

Examples of helpful and unhelpful language in communication:

AVOID using language such as:

• Always / Never
• You do / You don’t
• You make me
• You think
• You should / You shouldn’t
• If only you would
• Why don’t you
• Why can’t you

USE this language instead:

• Personal preference and meaning:
  • This is the way I see it
  • In my opinion
  • This is what it means to me
• Statements offering a compromise:
  • I would like….. What would you like?
  • I think we can work this out. What is your preference? OR What would you agree to? (ask for input and FOCUS on the problem)
• Assertive language
  • I think….
  • I feel….
  • I want….

[chibam]

*** TRIGGER WARNING  - SUICIDE ***

@Former-Member wrote:

Unhealthy Boundaries:

• Focusing on other people’s needs over your own

---

It's surprising to hear you say that.

Isn't the central element of the mental health system's opposition to suicide the fact that our suicides upset others? That we are obliged to stay alive in order to spare our acquaintances misery & inconveniance?

Even on the governmental level, isn't society's primary interest in reducing suicides the fact that our suicides cost the taxpayer approx. $30bn/p.a.? Isn't our obligation to survive all steeped in an implication of duty to country above our own needs?

[Daisydreamer]

@JungleGiants that's a good point about doing for others and contact about work and study outside the hours you designate for that- such an important boundary. I would be curious to learn more about how you communicate your boundaries around this with those who do request work or study issues on weekends or out of hours?

[JungleGiants]

@Former-Member I feel that times we communicate are important, like you mentioned. No more late night chats about important issues..

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51,

It's great that you recognise this in yourself. Often those who put others' needs before their own are carers of others. It is important that to think about what you need and how to implement boundaries with others to make sure you don't burn out in the process.

[JungleGiants]

@Daisydreamer its a work in progress sometimes, I have had to tell people dont message me on the weekend, then was a bit passive aggressive when they did message again. They got the message that time. I find the big thing for me is putting study group chats in the messenger spam folder or just leaving them if theyre too much to deal with. It's not something Ive had to create many boundaries with so I had to get used to it.

[Shaz51]

I love those questions too @Daisydreamer @Former-Member 

With my husband who has bipolar 2 and other diagnosis is tuned in to my feelings before I say anything and will help have a suggestion 

But with my elderly mum who has undiagnosed dementia does not understand  and keeps going and going until it happens, I have soo many examples,  it is hard sometimes 

[Shaz51]

Took me a long while to recognize this @Former-Member 

And with the Sane forum has helped me lots through this but there is still certain times