Topic Tuesday // Healthy Relationships in Lockdown // Tues 31st August, 7:00-8:30PM AEST

[Former-Member]

Question 2: Creating and sustaining healthy relationships often involve having boundaries. What are boundaries, and how do they help? 

Boundaries act like a fence around us to keep us safe. It also shows others whether their boundaries are in relation to us.  Everyone’s boundaries will be different based on personal preference, upbringing, trauma, and past relationships.

Since lockdown and a lot of people working from home or being stuck at home with their loved ones, means that some of these boundaries have become blurred. For example: working from home means that you see your partner or loved ones more than what you normally would. This can lead to conflict that we would not otherwise have. Working from the office meant physical separation and often means that the other we or the other person was not available during that time. While we are home together, we naturally may associate their physical presence with them being available.

Physical proximity might lead to assumptions that the other person is available mentally and emotionally during the day or our partner might assume the same from us.

We determine our own boundaries whether they are considered healthy or unhealthy, at some point in our lives these specific boundaries served or still serve a purpose to help us feel safe physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually.

To determine boundaries, we need to consider our Personal Boundaries by asking a few questions:

• Where do I begin and end?
• Where do my responsibility begin and where does it end?
• What are my needs?
• What are my values?

[Former-Member]

What are some examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries:

• I am responsible for me
• Maintaining values regardless of what others want
• Noticing when someone disrespects your boundaries
• Acknowledging what is good and bad for me
• Noticing when someone else has inappropriate boundaries
• Respecting others and their boundaries
  • Asking before touching them
  • Asking whether they have the capacity to sit with you emotionally
  • Checking in whether the other person has the capacity for you to offload onto them
• Trusting your decisions
• Self-respect
  • Checking with yourself whether you have the capacity to support someone
  • What do you need when after supporting someone?
  • Taking care of yourself first
  • Talking to yourself in a gentle, loving and respectful manner

Unhealthy Boundaries:

• Telling everyone everything
• Unable to notice / not noticing when someone disrespects your boundaries
• Focusing on a particular person and it consuming you
• Focusing on other people’s needs over your own
• Doing things for or with other people that you are not comfortable with
• Accepting gifts, touch, advances or interactions that you do not want
• Disrespecting others
  • Touching them without permission
  • Off-loading onto someone without checking whether they have the time or capacity to be that person
• Letting others make decisions for you
• Expecting others to know what you need or meet your needs automatically
• Allowing others to take more from you what you have (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and sexually)
• Doing things so people will like you, even though it is not who you are or compromises your values

You can recognize whether you or someone else has healthy/unhealthy boundaries by observing their behaviour. It is possible that if someone has unhealthy boundaries with themselves they might not respect your boundaries even when you implement them.

[Shaz51]

@Snowie , @Krishna , @Jacques , @Determined , @Smc 

[Mezza65]

Unhealthy boundaries arw doing for others what they can do for themselves but dont do 

[BPDSurvivor]

Thanks for the tag @Daisydreamer !

For me, boundaries provide a safety net and protects. They provide a sense of stability when the world at the moment is so unstable.

Healthy boundaries include boundaries between partners, work colleagues, therapists involving open communication, give-take, acceptance.

Unhealthy boundaries include boundaries that are extremely rigid, inflexible and ultimately more harmful than good.

@cloudcore 

[Shaz51]

Those are very interesting  points @Former-Member 

I can see some of them , sorry to say 

[Shaz51]

Hello and I

 Agree @Mezza65 

[JungleGiants]

Agreed @Mezza65, especially about work or study matters on the weekend or free time.

[JungleGiants]

I find that focusing on a particular person very relevant, as theres too much time I spend online lately.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @JungleGiants ,

Just to clarify, do you mean when people contact you about work or study out-of-hours?