Career Chat // How to handle conflict with a colleague // Friday

[Renstar]

Yes it's very hard not to get emotional when raising a concern with a colleague.

@Sadgirl and @NikNik, another way to prepare for these kinds of conversations is to imagine if the conflict were between two other colleagues and not yourself.  When viewing the conflict as an observer, what advice would you give to the people involved to address the issue?  What can you learn from viewing the conflict from a different lens (and specifically, without any emotional attachment to the issue)?

When you remove yourself from the equation, it's much easier to be less emotional about resolving the conflict.  Do you think this may help?

[Renstar]

Well everyone, that’s it for today’s Career Chat 

Thanks to all our participants for their input and ideas!

What I’ve read in the thread just confirms to me what a difficult topic this is, and how awkward – even traumatic – conflict in the workplace can be.

Trying to rise above it and keep emotions out of it as much as possible is one of the keys to dealing with it – other things to consider include taking some time out (walk around the block, mull it over overnight, think deeply before responding) before doing anything hasty; try to focus on the work outcomes rather than the personalities at play; and considering escalating it up the line if necessary.

In any case, I really hope today’s session has been of some assistance to you. I’ve certainly enjoyed it, regardless of the difficulty of the topic.

Have a great weekend everyone! 

[NikNik]

Thanks @Renstar

We're going to keep this thread open for anyone who wishes to continue to contribute, although Renstar won't be responding for the time being (she needs a weekend 🙂 ) 

But other members and mods will be around if you have any questions or want to share experiences of tackling (or not tackling) conflicts with collegues.

🙂

[Kurra]

I'm a grumble bum at the moment. We've undertaken a major move from one site to a brand new super duper...... etc. For reasons I can't mention this has been a much larger and significantly more complex move equiment wise than a straight forward office to office move.

At the moment it's very much an all hands on deck situation however the bulk of the work has fallen on two people one of whom is Kurra. That's not a problem. I'm not afraid of hard work and much of what is involved is quite critical.

Today I started getting quite hot under the collar and ultimately upset because a person was throwing out brand new stuff because 'we've got too much'. I abhor unnecessary waste and my taxes have paid for those things. I took a walk outside and remembered to breathe. Later on I had the opportunity to remove said items and put them away. A sort of a win win in some respects. No conflict arose and the items are put away without fuss.

It would have been very easy to throw my arms in the air and refuse to work with the person involved.

However now I've dumped today's tiny hiccup and returning to the subject of dealing with conflict in the workplace:

All workplaces pull together an extremely diverse range of people. It is very rare to find a workplace where everyone gets on. I often wonder how much I really know about the person I may have been sitting next to for some years. In all probability the answer can only be 'very little '. I find it's important for me to keep on reminding myself about this. That person next to me may be living in a DV situation at home and is too scared to talk about it / doesn't know what to do / is worrying constantly about it all while at work. .....

I have encountered 3 situations at work whete conflict with a colleague has arisen. I'll deal with each one in different posts otherwise this will end up being longer than a final PhD publication.

[Kurra]

Well I lost the post I'd just written so it will have to wait until tomorrow before I rewrite it. Maybe doing long posts on a phone is not such a great idea but my tablet or lappy are slow loading I prefer to use my phone which has to be at least 10x faster. It serves me right!

[mrkotter]

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@Kurra wrote:

All workplaces pull together an extremely diverse range of people. It is very rare to find a workplace where everyone gets on. I often wonder how much I really know about the person I may have been sitting next to for some years. In all probability the answer can only be 'very little '. I find it's important for me to keep on reminding myself about this. That person next to me may be living in a DV situation at home and is too scared to talk about it / doesn't know what to do / is worrying constantly about it all while at work. .....

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And that's thing, not everyone will get along. But I've found being aware of the office politics is absolutely critical in avoiding conflict and getting what you want. Make sure you have a relationship with the people who have power (including secetaries, PAs and EAs - they wield so much power) even if you don't like them. Just do whatever it takes. If you don't like someone and they aren't critical to your role just avoid them.

Just keep working on those relationships that matter so when there is a conflict you're starting from a place of at least friendliness or better. 

I also find having semi-regular work get togethers like friday afternoon drinks does a lot to diffuse workplace tension. Plus a few drinks on the company credit card never goes astray. 

[mrkotter]

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@Renstar wrote:

Yes it's very hard not to get emotional when raising a concern with a colleague.

@Sadgirl and @NikNik, another way to prepare for these kinds of conversations is to imagine if the conflict were between two other colleagues and not yourself.  When viewing the conflict as an observer, what advice would you give to the people involved to address the issue?  What can you learn from viewing the conflict from a different lens (and specifically, without any emotional attachment to the issue)?

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I might add on to this that using this approach you are actually focusing on the outcomes you want to achieve rather than what the problem is. Focusing on outcomes you want is a positive thing where focusing on the problem and the conflict is a negative thing and is unlikely to fix the problem. 

[Appleblossom]

Mostly I have had little conflict at work when I was employed by others .. whether hospitality, retail or clerical.  I also dont have conflict to deal with in my teaching studio .. I guess if they dont like the way I handle something .. they leave .. it sort of self regulates .. but no real issues in 25 years. I rarely contradict others or interrupt of boss etc.. Learned to interrupt my students cos I was told to by a parent.  I was a bit too precious ..

I did have one issue when running book clubs with a community centre.   It was about racist discussion.  I felt I was well paid $60 ph at the time and felt personally responsible .. if I let racist comments proliferate.  It was only in one out of the 5 groups I managed where this had ever been a problem .. I reiterated my point with the members after consulting with centre director .. and they all left the centre .. one of the group members I met in a few other locations and she was chatty .. and had eventually left the group too.

I think sometimesI stand needs to be made.The centre director understood the type of person .. and I was not unished for "losing the group"  though I did try hard to manage it diplomatically with all the group members... I also lost a lot of sleep over it ... wasnt worth $60 for me .. lowered my opinion of sectors of the community.

Gradually over time things have improved in Australia ... I have a "report racism" sticker on my fridge.  at that time I had not heard there was anything I could do with actual authority .. so glad things are changing.

Good topic

[Former-Member]

Hi @Renstar and @NikNik

completely missed this topic on Friday 😞

What do you do with colleagues that just know how to press your buttons? I can be quite explosive - which is very unappropriate - but when I get frustrated to a certain extend and it is the right setting, I can explode. I am not as aggressive as I used to be, but I am VERY assertive and it is VERY difficult to argue against when I get angry (probably because I usually have it right and just get frustrated by the other team members not "getting it" - lol at least that is my point of view).

I've tried everything from physically biting my tongue, focussing on my breath or my feet on the ground, often I play on my phone to distract myself when I get frustrated, visualise another time and place, nowadays I take meds before difficult meetings, but it is not really controlling my frustration or anger. My boss sometimes tells me that I do have the right ideas, but don't give people enough time to gain their own understanding of the situation. We're actually having one of those difficult meetings about conflict this week, that I am not looking forward to, so I will definitely opt for the medication.

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

Good on you for being so aware and conscious of your reactions! It can be really hard to divert your emotions, particularly in the hear of the moment! 

@mrkotter & @Kurra had some great advice - did you find that helpful?

I like Kurra's point about not knowing what's going on for other people. They could be having mental health issues themselves, their child could be sick, they might be going through a divorce etc - we just never know.

From my own experiences, I have seen that arguing with a co-worker hasn't actually got me anywhere. I don't get what I want and nothing is achieved - except I end up upset and I've upset someone else.

That's not to say we should'nt speak up when we don't agree though.

My approach now is to let someone know that I have to think about it and get back to them. Then I think about (and sometimes write it out if I need to) what has actually triggered my emotional response. If it's because I'm passionate about something and I have factual evidence to back it up (eg: In the instance that someone disagrees with my idea), I collect the data and present it. 

What comes with this is having to be open to their factual data. I have found this to be helpful to understand their perspective on things. 

I haven't had any experience with workplace bullying (fortunately) so I think if someone is upsetting you and deliberately trying to get a reaction or is exhibiting bullying behaviour, then it should be handled in consultation with a manager or HR. Workplace bullying is not okay.

Hope your meeting today went well.