Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[tigermoth]

I am supporting my husband who has PTSD. Lately he has become insulting, emotionally abusive, has forbidden me to speak in the house,locks himself in the study for hours on end having facebook conversations with a woman he met at the local RSL and violent on occassion. He is under the care of a pyschologist but she announced last week that she thinks he is fine and no longer has any problems or anger management issues. The only thing I can interpret from this is one of two things. Either I am imagining this and he is fine and I need help, or (what I think has happened) he has been putting on an act for her and she only sees the side of him he wants her to see.

I am a full time postgraduate student. His behaviour is impacting my studies as I go to uni hours before I need to as I am constantly frightened at home that he will turn into one of his rages. Also the study he locks himself into is the where the computers, printer books and stationary are so I often cant access things I need

I have spoken to counsellers before but their advice has been just leave him but it isnt that simple. I dont have a job, I have no money or family or friends (he has alienated even his family members with his threats of violence and insulting manner) so I have nowhere to go. He was getting better before he met this girl but now he has become paranoid that people are 'out to get him'. I say girl as she is 27 years younger than him. She has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. She has broken up with him twice since ANZAC day. Everytime she does and he is out of her influence for a week or two he starts to get better, and even begins to think about the hobbies he used to have and how he can get his friends and family back. Then she returns , says one of her other personalities broke up with him, and then we go back to the dark side of his personality again. He is now constantly worrying that she will find another boyfriend, is constantly on the phone to her, spends hours on facebook in chat sessions with her and his doctor now has him taking multiple doses of hypertensives as his BP is going through the roof due to his constant anger)and I am at my wit's end again. He just went out again with her and said he might be home tonight and not to try anything stupid like contacting his psycologist as   his girlfriend says he doesnt need a psychologist.

Do you have any advice as to how I can improve the situation? I can see there is hope for him if he can just break his ties with this girl. In the past he has begun to improve, I dont want him getting into trouble with the police etc as he was not like this before the PTSD. She lives with her parents and I tried speaking with them but she had told them he is not my husband he is my brother and they simply see me as a jealous sister. Also I think they feel that if she is out with him she is out of their hair for a while. Has anyone had a similar type of situation that could advise me as to what to do. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

[ivana]

Hi TigerMoth,

Sorry for your situation.

I have not had a similar situation but personally I think you should focus mainly on your husbands behaviours and not the girls.

i think you deserve to be treated better.

Your husband is not showing much respect for his marriage or for you.

Does your husband give any indication that he wants to remain married to you or is he only happy to be with you when there are "no other options"?

Perhaps it is too hard to simply leave now,but another option might be to simply live as being separated in the same house until you have saved up to move elsewhere?

[pip]

Hi @tigermoth. I don't see how telling this girl's parents is going to change your hubby's behaviour. I think it's going to make things worse if you involved them. It sounds as though he's told her you are his sister and she believes him. You say financially you're not in a position to leave -yet. Is that something you have considered and decided against or do you not wish to break the marriage? Obviously your suspicions that he is telling his psych he is fine, is right. Psych's like Dr's can only be guided by what the patient chooses to tell them. Have you tried asking hubby straight out whether he wants you or not ( I realize the answer might be painful), but if he is no longer interested in you or the marriage, that would at least give you a clearer idea about what you need to do for you. Ivana's right in the comment that your hubby is showing no respect for you or the marriage. He's living a total lie both to you, himself and this other girl. If you want to remain with him, that is something only you can decide, but I think your only choice here is to ask him straight out what he wants. If you do decide to leave C'link will help you financially and draw up a budget that will help you. I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Not sure of your age, I am 65, left my hubby last year after 25 years of marriage. C'link were amazing. I know the prospect of leaving is scary, but I have never been happier. Hope this helps you with whatever decision you make. Good luck.

[tigermoth]

Hi

maybe I should explain. My husband and I both knew this girl previously. We were both in a class at university together. She knew we wwere married then and she knows we are married now. My husband did meet her at the RSL. We lost contact when she dropped out of uni. My husband and I moved to this suburb which is where she lives now with her parents. When she was at uni she was living with her partner. However she was seeing a man who was married at the time and her partner found out. He didnt approve and threw her out. She then moved in with her parents. Since then she has been in multiple relations (according to her sister) and all of them have been with married men. She now works at the RSL. My husband didnt tell her I was his sister. She told her parents we were because she knew they woldnt approve of her seeing someone who was married. 

[pip]

Hi @tigermoth. This girl definitely sounds Trouble. I would think very carefully about the whole situation. Do you know the parents, how they will react, as you say, they will toss her out. Her behaviour (however) doesn't excuse your hubby. Even if you tell her parents and they toss her out, is your hubby going to 'be there' for her, or is he going to stay with you? Also, how long before he meets someone else? This girl possibly has other issues going on that you may not be fully aware of. The obsessions with being involved with married men, rather than getting involved with someone single. Are you close to her sister, perhaps have a word with her and ask her for some guidance. It's a very sticky situation, you have a girl who has fixations on married men, you have married men who encourage. She needs help, so do you. I would, at this stage, concentrate on you and hubby, ask him what or who he wants. Does he realize that if he was free, there's good chance she would not want him. It seems she will involve herself with married men, rather than take a 'punt' on a single man.

[tigermoth]

Its hard to know what he would do. She has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder and does some very strange things. She has broken up with him twice since April (both times she has said it wasnt her that sent the text it was one of her personalities and she knew nothing about it). One of them was insulting and riddled with expletives. I know because my husband showed me the text and asked me if I knew what some of the expletives meant.  Im not close with her sister. She spoke with me in the beginning as I was trying to find out what had been going on. She said she doesnt have much to do with her sister as she disgusts her. 

[pip]

@tigermoth. Have a talk with your hubby about this girl. It's an awkward situation you're in. I think your best bet is to talk directly to your hubby, ask him exactly what he wants. See what you can find out about her disorder. Talk to your hubby about it, once you can find out more. From what you say, her behavioural pattern (going from guy to guy) is not going to stop. Tell your hubby direct that if he does choose her, he is going to continuously get hurt because her behaviour is not going to stop. I feel rather sorry for this girl if she does have M.P.D. I don't know too much about it but I tend to believe (rightly or wrongly) the person 'blacks out', during which time, another personality emerges. It's sad that the sister is disgusted by the girls behaviour. MI is destructive and with this girl it's destroying her and you and your hubby. Telling her parents sounds a bit counter-productive, because tossing her out, won't help her. Perhaps you and hubby, once you've talked, could somehow join forces and try to help her. I realize that's a tall order, but if she was your daughter or sister, wouldn't you want to help her rather than leave her to possibly get hurt. If she does have M.P.D, helping her would benefit everyone. Maybe 'google' Multiple Personality Disorder, see what you can find out. If she's lying and just trying to cause trouble, tell hubby immediately, if, however, she genuinely is sick, she needs help and friends, not ostracizing.

[pip]

@tigermoth. footnote: if this girl does have this disorder, it's now known as Disassociate Identity Disorder, or DID.

[tigermoth]

We saw the story about it on 60 Minutes and apart from the clothes for different personalities its her to a T. We discussed it and my husband thinks that he is one who can 'save' her and cure her disoder. He wants her to leave her psychiatrist because he feels he is no good for her and doesnt want her to get better

[pip]

@tigermooth. I too saw the story. Your hubby sounds a bit delusional (sorry to say). Disassociate Identity Disorder is extremely hard to treat as the person with the disorder needs to recognize she has the disorder. The lady on 60 minutes came across as believing everyone else is responsible for her disorder. Unless your hubby has done extensive research of the various personality traits of the disassociate, he could do more harm. First thing you have to do is 'meet' the original personality. With the lady on 60 minutes, that would be extremely difficult as she herself seemed to have no knowledge of who she actually is. How many personalities did she claim to have? I saw the programme, but I had visitors so wasn't able to fully concentrate. Getting better is not as simple as it sounds when you're dealing with her disorder. You would have to almost introduce her to the 'others', then help her overcome their personalities. Did you manage to 'google' any information regarding this. Read up about it, it's extremely difficult to treat as you would have to know how to 'bring' her out of 'her' and keep 'her' out. Try to persuade your hubby to get some information regarding this trait.