Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Masemu]

My daughter (18) went into mental health ward thankfully after many months of trying to deal with mental illness by herself. I have posted before on some of the earlier issues we were having during her admission. But there has been a development. Something else has come up that is a real concern for me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My daughter struck up a friendship with another male patient. I didn't really think anything of it. But as it turns out they have become quite close. My daughter was moved to another section and the other patient was later discharged. But they are still trying to maintain contact. My biggests worry is that this person is 30 he has a drug history and often self harms like my daughter. He has no job. His morales and standards do not match my daughters. I feel that my daughters judgement has been clouded by her illness of depression and pshycontic episodes. I have yet to express my feelings to my daughter as this is a critical time to maintain communication I fear I may break that down. I really want her to make the right decision. Has anyone else had this situation? and how did you deal with it. My daughter has never drank, smoked and is a good Christian. I feel this relaitionship is going to end in disaster when she gets out. The person she is involved with has been escorted off the hospital grounds twice by security and police as he keeps coming back to the ward to see muy daughter. This is the last thing I need!! Is there a legal obligation of the hospital to stop this happening to the mentally ill??

[Appleblossom]

I can understand your real concern for your daughter, without buying into any general sigmatisation of mhu occupants.

Go gently, focussing on positive aspects of your daughter and your relationship.

A similar thing occurred to my sister when she was 20 about a year before she died. My mother was very worried and I understood her concern about that particular fellow ... in the end he wasn't around at all.

On another hospitlisation my sister met another fellow: from an upstanding and hardworking family. They visited my house once and were both genuine, wanting to start a business, but both vulnerable and in and out of MI arrangements. Mother had a presumptuous argument about sex before marriage with her whilst my sister was still in the half-way house trying to reintegrate back into society .. my sister died that day ... it is not all mother's fault, but it is not the time for forcing moral positions .. just compassion, understanding and love.

[Masemu]

Thankyou for sharing your  experience and I am sorry for your loss. I think your right about - compassion, understanding and love. I just have to find the right words at the right time and not force anything on my daughter but give her the best chance of making decisions by showing our love for her and supporting her. We all went out today including her friend while on some escorted leave.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for expressing condolences.  I didnt want to scare you but address the reality of your concern. I share any parts of my experience that seem to fit.

Each person and situation is unique. I am glad you had a good day.

[Janna]

Hi Massemu,

Your post describes a very difficult situation.  As a mother I can only imagine how concerned you are for your daughter with regard to this "relationship"".  Unfortunately, I don't believe that anyone can do much to prevent this because there is no law preventing two individuals from forming a friendship/relationship.  Given that you can't prevent your daughter from persuing this relationship if she really wants to, my thoughts/advice are this:

If you have a close relationship with your daughter I would open up discussion about your concerns but in doing this you will need to be extremely diplomatic and come from a non-judgmental perspective.  Your concerns need to focus on her as an individual, not him and not their friendship.  Try to find out what it is about him that she is connecting with - is it his humour, his understanding of her, his attention, the commonality of their mental illness, etc.  Gaining a greater insight into what sits behind the attraction will also provide you with the keys to a deeper understanding of why she is so attracted to him and by doing this you can focus on that aspect in your discussions with her  - as opposed to focusing on the whole person if you catch my drift.  If for instance she said "He's just a really nice guy" - ask her what "nice" means to her and tease it apart. If she says "He understands me" - then ask what is it that he understands so well. or why he understands better than someone else, etc. Opening up discussion like this will also hopefully get your daughter to think deeper about things and in doing this she may realise what need in her is being fulfilled.  What you want to do is try to kick-start some healthy introspection that shifts her perspective a little and gives her some objectivity.

As with most teens, expressing your dislike of him or suggesting that she not persue this friendship will more than likely be met with a defiant opposition and could work in an opposite way.  She needs to make her own decisions with your guidance.  Hopefully with this and continued inpatient treatment she will come to realise that he may not be the best partner for her.  

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Masemu]

Thanks Janna for your sound advice. Since I wrote my initial post I have been thinking about the issue and getting advice before discussing anything about the relationship with my daughter. I suppose you could call it a cooling off period. Your advice is very helpful and it is something along those lines that I would like the discussion to go. I really don't want to stuff it up so I have been trying to find the right words and not come across as controlling but have the discussion as you described. It is her decision and I am interested to find out what she sees in him. I also see that this man also needs help also. As a father my initial reaction is to protect my daughter. Looking back I'm glad I didn't react or have a discussion unplanned. I know I've gone a little off topic but putting words down and getting ideas has helped.

Thanks