Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Nonnijo]

10 weeks ago I was unexpectedly given interim custody of my 4 grandchildren, aged 8, 9, 12 and 14.  The parents have been in a high state of conflict for years following their divorce and the children play all the adults off against each other.  The mother has alcohol and drug problems (although she denies it) and a personality disorder.  The father is voltatile and verbally abusive about and to the mother and is in a defacto relatioship with a woman with 4 children, 3 of whom have austistic spectrum disorders.    my grandchildren are exhibit concerning behaviours. they can't process anger or frustration, they just blow. The oldest is self harming, tellng lies and also demonstrating explosive behaviours.  She has no concern for her siblings and they all use verbal abuse and sarcasm against me and each other.  I have a referral from a local GP for them to see our state youth mental health service, but they need help now.  The oldest is court ordered to see a psychiatrist but no one could see her for up to 3-4 months.  The minute they heard court was involved they "didnt have appt's or time to do a court report"    I am living with meltdowns and tantrums every day and I have had to give up my career that I loved as i was only getting to work 2 -3 days a week.  I am receiving considerable influence against me from the mother who is telling the children to misbehave and be naughty so they can "come home".    I am tired, exhausted and don't know what to do to help them. Every day at least one of them has a full meltdown and it affects everyonme in the house.    Has anyone else had similar issues with multiple children?

[Mosaic]

Hi @Nonnijo

It sounds like you have been thrown into the deep end dealing with this unexpected and incredibly challenging guardianship of your grandkids. What an incredible responsibility to have resting on your shoulders, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. 

One support service you might consider contacting is Parentline 1300 30 1300 (Available 7 days between 8am - 10pm). They offer telephone counselling to parents (or grandparents) facing a range of issues and challenging circumstances, including dealing with an unexpected family crisis. Also - Your 12 and 14 year olds would be eligable for counselling with a psychologist at Headspace. You could also consider individual or family therapy at a service such as Relationships Australia. 

Fellow member @aristosane has shared about her family situation here which you might like to read. She has recently had to take over the care of her twin sister and her four children, and their family has faced similar struggles. Aristosane feel free to jump in and impart any wisdom that you think might be helpful. 

Nonnijo I wonder is it just you looking after the kids? Do you have a partner in the picture who is able to assist? Or any other family members on board to support you?  

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Nonnijo

I just want to welcome you to the Forums, and I also want to echo @Mosaic's words - you've been thrown into the deep-end, and it seems you got a lot on your shoulders - I hope that there's family and/or friends that might be able to offer some support. If not, there are some services as Mosaic have pointed out.

My thoughts are with you. You sounds like an incredibly supportive and understanding grandparent.

CherryBomb

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Nonnijo

Firstly I want to say that although the situation you are in is so awful at the moment, it is in fact a very special thing in these kids lives to be in the company of someone whose life-skills have been together, who has a caring, compassionate heart, and a good dose of sensibility and good grace.   They are obviously testing you out full-on, as well as struggling with the multiple inner issues they are struggling with.  I hope it settles down for you quickly.

Mosaic and CherryBomb have both suggested counselling services, and these are people trained and available to help you, both in support, and to help you build the necessary skills to cope with this new situation.  While I can't offer you advice like they can, I had five children under ten years old (started with three under two years old) and there is one thing I know generally about children - they are looking for the fastest path to getting what they want.  Just think of lightning finding the shortest way to reach the ground.  Even if they don't know what they want and are lashing out, they are trying to find relief.

Until you can get to the counsellors, can you focus a little on providing as much harmony and structure as you can within your home environment in subtle ways - open the blinds or curtains at a reasonable time of the morning (time to wake up), close the blinds or curtains at the end of the day and have dimmer lights where strong light is not needed (time to start winding down), play a radio in the background (music is distracting, calming, or provides a pulsing beat), keep beds made and dishes done if nothing else can be kept in place, keep the washing chugging through, set the table and eat there yourself even if they rebel a bit at even that structure for now.  

I don't know whether you can tell them that they are unlikely to be sent back to their mother by the authorities until they can demonstrate improved behaviour ... that might be a question to ask the counsellors first.  In any case, try to work out what they want, and suggest to them more positive ways of achieving it than playing power games with you - not that you want to put it to them quite that way.

I hope something of this helps you.  Stay strong.  This won't last forever.  It will keep changing.

[CherryBomb]

Such wise words @Faith-and-Hope 

[Fatima]

Wiw thats very challenging for you and marjs the end of a stress free old age, i have been very involved in supporting my schizophrenic daughter who luckily is taking medication at least and my four year okd granddaughter. However i would like to say that my mental health gas suffered to the point that I needed couselling from a psychologist to learn to 'pull back' at times. I have nade a decision for my own welfare to take a hands off approach, Couldnt the chikdren's mother get better support so she keeos the kids?

[Faith-and-Hope]

How are you doing Nonnijo ?

Have things settled down for you a little bit ?

[aristosane]

Hello All, and a special hello to @Nonnijo.  I'm sorry I've been absent for a while (but that's another story).  Nonnijo I just wanted to tell you how very brave you are to be such a pillar of strength to your grandchildren.  My heart goes out to you because I know without a doubt you will manage the situation and you will smile at your grandchildren when all you want to do is burst into tears.  You will act strong and in control when you are on breaking point...  You will be angry at the situation but your love will withstand every one of the hurdles you are challenged with.  Through out this journey please always remember that life is ever-changing, nothing stays the same forever.  I'm here and I understand if you ever want to vent xx

[Nonnijo]

Unfortunately the mother sees nothing wrong with her parenting or behaviour and everything is always everyone else's fault.  She is verbally abusive to me and has told the children "I took them off her".  This makes things difficult as I am not allowed to discuss court matters with the children so I can only tell them the court made this decision and we must do what the court says.  I encourage them to love and miss their mother but the games she plays with their heads is hard.    

[Faith-and-Hope]

My brother's kids were taken away by his estranged wife, and she kept them from him for many years despite court orders for access.  At his recent wedding, his daughter showed up of her own accord, as her elder sister had done a few years ago - re-establishing contact with him in their own time.

Hopefully this is the hardest period you will have to go through, and things get progressively easier from here.  In my life experience and belief, the truth always rises to the surface eventually.  That is the nature of truth, it seems.  When the kids look back in hindsight, they will be holding more pieces of the puzzle, and will see what you did, and what you were to them.  You will be nourishing them in a way you know they won't be at this time with their mother, and that is a grand thing to achieve.

Hang in there.  You know in your heart of hearts that you are helping to right a wrong that will have significant consequences.  It won't matter at the end of the day how their mother treated you, or even what the kids believe at this time.  When the truth does emerge, it shines a light on the path that went before, and nobody can change their part in that history to try to embellish it or make it go away.  The truth stands, and your truth will stand.

Let that feed your courage to turn off the unnecessary thoughts and concentrate on the necessary ones.  Love those kids !! 💐

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