Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Mavis]

Hi everyone

This is my first post here and I am just looking for a little advice. My daughter has been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder that sometimes becomes depression. She sees a psychologist but not regularly as her psychologist is very popular and when my daughter is ill she misses appointments. Hes illness manifests when she is under alot of stress, usually because of uni these days. The illness is not new and she has had it since she was in primary school.

The latest manifestation is a really strong jealousy- not about her boyfriend and other girls or anything like that. In fact it's hard to describe but she is finding it very distressing and to be honest so am I. She feels that she is an outsider in her own home and that we talk to her boyfriend in a more normal way than we do to her. She feels that he spends too much money on his hobbies rather than saving for a home away from us. She says she loves him but he can't seem to do anything right and she is angry and upset a lot of the time. It's hard to write this down and I haven't put in any details but I hope there is something here that someone recognises. She has an appointment with her psych next month. Should I be encouraging her to try to get in sooner. I'm scared it will spiral out of control and she will become depressed again.

Thanks

[NikNik]

Hi @Mavis

Welcome to the Forums, It's unfortunate circumstances that you join us though.

Have you had a discussion with your daughter's boyfriend? How does he see the situation?

Does she have any effective strategies to look after herself or other professionals she sees, outside of seeing her psychologist? 

[Appleblossom]

Sometimes there is a lot of pressure for the younger generation to leave home.  Sometimes it is the natural way of things but also with the cost of housing these days, extended family is necessary practical support. Each person's circumstances are unique.

I was actually pleased when one psych said to my son "and how are your family goals? It inlcuded a sense that family links continue even when they are young adults. Rather than only focussing on breaking away.

Your daughter seems to be struggling with a lot of insecurity and probably needs validation too. When I welcomed my son's partner into our home, she talked a lot about gender roles. Though i shared a lot of her attitudes, I also made it clear that my first loyalty was to my son.

I hope you are all travelling ok.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Mavis

I have a set of adult kids living at home.  It's usual to our culture for the kids to stay as part of the family, virtually until they marry, or leave town for work or a relationship future.  Our eldest has married and moved out into their own home.

The dynamic of an adult family have to change, otherwise there is a psychological ceiling that keeps the kids from flexing their adult muscles.  They need to feel ownership of their own part of the family space, but it is also difficult for them to fit their adult life and possessions into the confines of their own bedroom.  It's a challenging time for all, but a great opportunity to work on values like patience, valuing the opinions of others, and clear communication skills.

If you have your daughter's boyfriend living with you too, that creates another dynamic as well.  It will be natural for her to feel some resentment at times if she feels he has a better report with you than she does, but he doesn't have the childhood history with you either.  He only brings an adult relationship into this scenario.  With our children, the child they were is part of our love for them as an adult.

I am sure you are posting here because you are noticing something in her behaviour that is outside all of the above, but in my experience, the kids can still turn new corners unexpectedly as they mature and develop.  It songs like she is feeling desperate for her and her boyfriend to have their own space, and frustrated that this is not happening fast enough.  That would be the basis for criticising his spending on hobbies.

While you are the one who know your daughter best, and we have only a glimpse of your family set-up, I urge you not to panic.  It might be difficult at the moment to see past your daughter's illness, and start to believe that all her reactions are tied to it.  Maybe the couple just need a little more privacy and space.  It's challenging in a condensed living situation, but not impossible.  A little creativity might provide them with a small lounge area for themselves, or everybody else going out sometimes so they get the house to themselves a bit more often.  I would try pressure relief options first, ahead of trying to get her into the psych sooner.

I hope this helps.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Mavis

How are you going ?  

Has there been any improvement ?

I hope things are settling down for you.

[Fatima]

I do hope,she can get an earlier appointment before it gets worse. What you have described is very similar to how my daughter was leading up to a psychosis.  She is now on ongoing medication, ok she stil gets angry and cannot judge other people's reactions to things. Everyone has to think like her. Very challenging. Still she has two dear children and a loving  and understanding husband so overall she is very lucky. 

[Fatima]

My daughter experiences something similar. Thinking we were against her and siding with her partner etc.   I feel your daughter should make it a priority in her life to avoid stressful situations, even if it means studying at uni very part time or even stopping completely? After all her mental health comes first . I know my daughter, especially when she was younger  (22-28 ) wanted to live a life like her peers but as she has matured ( now 35)  she has come to accept her limitations and  her mental health conditon.  Despite graduating from uni she was unable to work really. She tried the public service a few times but when there were periods of stress in the workplace she would become paranoid and end up experienciing a psychosi, partially bought on by extreme stress. This occured a few times in the past few years duirng her woking life. Fortunatley on  the last occasion she was able to recognise the symptoms, leave the workplace immediatly and seek medical help from the community health nurse whom she has been seing for th past year.  she was then fast tracked for an  appointment with her psychiatrist. ( she had been on the point of commiting herself at the hospital)   Perhaps  your daughter should see a psychiatrist as soon as possible to get some medicine to help her cope with her anxiety? I know she wouldnt want to become dependent on it but also jealousy and anger are not good for her either and it seems they are already impacting on her life and relationships. Good luck to her. its a hard road but with the right supports family, medical and community she can be manage better her own condition as my daughter is.  Hopefully with maturity she will learn by trial and error the triggers, symptoms and best treatment.   

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[Mavis]

Thank you so much. I found this post very reassuring. I have not been back to the forum since I wrote the initial post as I felt as though I was being disloyal.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Mavis

Maybe we all struggle with the "disloyalty" feeling.  I know I have.  But here's the thing - as Carers for a Care-e we have to be careful not to become Care-e-s ourselves.  Some people are Care-e-s helping to care for other Care-e-s, but the overall objective is wellness.

We are not reaching out to do anything other than support ourselves, each other, provide and gain from information, inspiration, wisdom and a good dose of humour and fun where that can fit in too.  Don't feel guilty for feeding your soul if it helps you to renew and empower, and find more strength to help your family.  

Who knows?  Your daughter or her boyfriend might benefit at some point from joining a forum too.  You might be blazing a trail here 😊

It's good to hear from you and know that you are feeling a bit better.

Hugs.