Lived Experience Forum

[gemini42]

Hi, 

I recently decided to break up with my boyfriend and while I do not regret the decision, it seriously hurts. He did not care about me and we had very poor communication. He was very stubborn and when I told him things he did which hurt me he never said sorry or showed compassion.  

However, at the moment I am so depressed and lonely and can't seem to concentrate on anything and I feel like I can't do anything. I know the best thing to do when going through a breakup is to just keep as busy as possible and not think about anything. But I'm finding this hard to do as I can't stop overthinking.

I really thought we had a future together and at many times he called me his future wife. I definietely do not want him back after all the hurt and misery he has caused me. But I just want some advice on how I can cope right now. I feel so anxious and depressed. I already suffer from anxiety and have come to lean on this guy throughout this whole relationship for emotional security, which was a terrible idea because he was incredibly unsupportive of me or my anxiety at the best of times. I thought I would feel so happy after this breakup. 

But now I keep obsessing over everything that has gone wrong in my life and I feel so depressed and I don't know what to do and I'm questioning my whole life. I'm 24 years old and I haven't been able to hold down a job in more than 2 years. The last job I had I got fired from. I started an internship recently that was 6 months and was unpaid and I walked out on the job because it was unpaid and I felt by now I should be earning money. But the way I handled it was so irrational, I just stormed out. I still feel so bad for walking out and I know this was unprofessional but I just couldn't cope at the time as I was going through a crisis. But my boyfriend was so hard on me and so angry with me at the time and made me feel even worse. I really don't think a caring boyfriend should do that?

I know that he definitely was not The One for doing that. But I still want to know what I did wrong or if I did anything wrong in this relationship so I can learn from it and move on. Like for example, sometimes I question if I was ever overreacting to some of the things he did?  Like if I was too insecure in this relationship, or if he was the one making me insecure? I often got jealous and never fully trusted him in many situations. He had this really annoying habit of complimenting other girls right in front of me and never caring when I told him that hurt me. Like there is this girl Nikki who he has known for a while and is pretty good friends with. She is his best friends sisters best friend. He said a lot of nice things about her in front of me while we were at a party. He said "Nikki's a fun drunk" and "Oh my God Nikki is so nice". I guess it hurt so much because we used to fight a lot when I was drunk and I would say things I didn't mean so I eventually stopped drinking around him. It was like he was trying to make a dig at me. And sometimes he would compliment girls that were his close friends like "I like your cardigan". I just want to know in future relationships, was this guy just a complete dickhead, or is it normal to some extent for guys to do this without even realising?

I also want to know how I can push past this. Yes I know breakups are never easy and I have to grieve. But I'm trying to rebuild my life back and just looking for advice I guess. I have another internship to prepare for next Monday and I just can't seem to focus on it because of everything that's going on and all the pain I feel. 

I'm worried I'll never find a fulltime job, or a lover that makes me truly happy. I have had so many of my boyfriends turn out to be dickheads who never fought for me or didn't really care for me or just generally had problems we couldn't solve. 

I consider myself a very smart, passionate, career-minded girl and all I want is to build a happy, fulfilled life for myself. But it seems every time I do find happiness it eventually just falls apart and I am left just feeling unbearably depressed again. I have very low self-esteem and confidence and can really come to depend on boyfriends when in relationships. I constantly doubt myself and often struggle to make decisions and often feel the need to run everything by people. I'm also really hard on myself.

I guess my questions are:

1) How can I get more independent and happy within myself and build my self-esteem and confidence back? 

2) How can I overcome this depression/anxiety/constant insecurity I feel? 

Thanks,

[utopia]

Hi @gemini42. Welcome to our site.
It's good that you have the courage to leave your relationship. That takes guts and effort
Q1:
The best way to do thi is to go and see a counsellor / a psychologist. They will be able to help you with your depression and anxiety.
There are times in our life when move beyond sad & end up depression. That's what I think is happening to you.
if you go to your gp - they can refer you to a psychologist.Maybe your gp might recommend anti depressents for a short while. But at the same time you need to do talking therapy. Both together really help. Talking therapy will give you a chance to verbalise what is wrong & what needs fixing.
Your therapist will also yeach you coping techniques like breathing, relaxation and mindful exercises. These will help you calm down when anxious. These are also great at stopping / reducing your negative self talk.
Q2:
By first going to a gp and requesting a referralto a psychologist. Be honest with them both about what has been hhappening in your life. They will become your life savers.
I have depression and anxiety and I am in treatment. I very rarely have down times now & I can normally change my thinking patterns. I have moments of happiness. I have days of contentment. I have small moments of depression.
Depression and anxiety can be treated. The sooner you reach out for help - the sooner your treatment starts - the sooner you heal.
You have been through a lot with your breakup & therd will be a period of grieving.
Please don't forget to do something nice for you everyday. It could be sitting in the sun listening to the wind and birds. Watching a comedy show you like. Having a soak in the bath. Getting a pedicure. But try and give yourself something nice.
Im hapoy to talk some more if you would like.
Hang in there because other members of this forum will also have some positive help fod you.
Wishing you all the best

[Former-Member]

Hello @gemini42,

There may be a pattern you follow in choosing partners as 'clique' as it sounds?
People that leave us feeling insecure within ourselves usually says something about them.
Also jealousy can be your own radar that something isn't quite kosher with this person. I.e: smoke & mirrors type of deal.
Some people have agendas you would never dream of.
But that's them.
I think counseling can definitely help.
Is what I've come to learn, after a lot of 'crap' to put it lightly, is that the inner voice you have...listen to it.
Just observe it, follow your gut.

We chose wrong people for us, when we have lost touch with ourselves.
Or are just trying to find out who we are!
When you become stronger within, you start noticing & attracting a different crowd.
There are lessons in everything we do.


Oh and I'm with @utopia. Grief takes a long time & it's not easy.
You will get stronger, & see differently as a result.
It will shape you! 😊
I hope this helps a bit.

There are a lot of good people out there too.
Just take one day at a time whilst you work stuff out! 😊