Lived Experience Forum

[vraero]

Hey all,

I'm new here and decided to give this a go. I'm looking for other people out there who are having similar experiences or have any kind words of wisdom for someone who's feeling very lost and not sure how to proceed.

I don't even really know where to start. I thought typing this out would be much easier than trying to talk to a counsellor about it but it's just as hard for me. I've been dealing with ~something~ for what I think has been about 2-3 years. I'm 20 yrs old. There have been periods in that time where I've been so incredibly happy, and other times I've been completely unhappy. 

I went to see a counsellor for the first time about 3 months ago because I decided it was time I actually voiced what I was feeling and I was creating some bad habits which I could see might spiral out of control. I've always had an issue talking about my feelings, showing my emotions and even sharing what I consider to be personal information with those closest to me (e.g. not talking about my family or how I spend my time). I keep a lot of things close to my chest and I've always been that friend people come to who will listen to your problems and make jokes to help people feel better. Counselling was not easy for me. It was an hour and a half session and I was constantly checking the clock, and asking the counsellor if she could "lead" the session because I wasn't sure how to say anything.

Those habits I mentioned were alcohol abuse and a few cases of (I don't know what to call it...) serial dating(?). I was becoming slowly aware that I was using both alcohol and people I didn't really care about to make myself feel something. This involved a lot of lying and pretending which has never been my usual way. Enter lots of guilt and some other family issues which pushed me to finally see a counsellor. We did talk about these things briefly but I didn't say much other than "I think I've been abusing alcohol and using people for sex and I don't want to hurt anyone".

That counselling session was 3 months ago. I've been sober for 23 days. It hasn't been as hard as I thought because it was my own conscious choice to change. I've been treating it as an experiment.

I consider the alcoholism and etc as short term or surface problems, and I'm trying to change them. But I'm more concerned with long term mental health because I know something is going on with me but I really can't figure this out. I know it's probably best to just go to my GP or see a therapist and actually participate in the therapy but it's hard to even think about. I've been so closed off about this and so independent about dealing with it that it's hard to think about talking to someone else and actually going through with whatever treatment/suggestions they give.

I've always been a perfectionist (in work, study and my emotions) and I think this and my inability to communicate/show my emotions is really stopping me from getting the help I think I need. I've even considered telling my parents (who I haven't been close to for the past few years possible because of these issues) but I'd prefer talking to a professional first.

Anyone else have issues seeing a health professional/therapist? Or communicating feelings in general?

Cheers.

[Sky]

Hi @vraero,

Welcome to the forum and I'm Sky, one of the moderators here 🙂

This forum is a safe space for people to share their stories. At times it is not that easy to tell others about your personal journey, just like what you're experiencing, so thank you for taking up the step.

I can hear that you would like to find a perfect solution to what you're facing but sounds you're hitting brick walls whilst trying to find out what it is, who to see, where, and how the family would react. This is certainly adding extra pressure to you when you don't have an intention to hurt others but this is one of the ways to ease your stress.

People are very supportive in this forum and many have tried suggestions and strategies that work for others. We also have some wonderful members who have been using this space for a while and able to assist how to find things as well. I would encourage you to use the search bar to search some key words to start with. 

I hope you'll find some information that is helpful to your view of what you're facing. It is great to see that you're reaching out instead of giving up!

Warm regards,

Sky

[mrkotter]

Hey @vraero I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time. Good on you for taking the first step. Because this is the first step.

I was a bit like you, a perfectionist, closed off and kept my emotions in check. I found talking about these sort of things unimagineable. So much in fact I spent the first 18 months of seeing a psychologist barely saying anything. At $124 out of pocket for each session it was money well spent. Not! 

What changed for me that small step by small step I started developing trust in my psychologist. I realised what she said helped and that she did care. It was in small steps though over 18 months. Once I trusted her I got so much out of it. And this carried over to my current psychologist and in life more generally.

So I would suggest go see one but take it in small steps, over time it will add up to real help. 

I'm going to bring @suzanne into this. She's a psychologist and might be able to offer some advice and explain how a psychologist could help someone in your situation. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @vraero

I have been seeing my regular therapist for almost 5 years.  I also have a psychiatrist.  I have a lot of trouble communicating openly and honestly with them both.  So what I have been doing lately is if I am really bad and don't want to talk too much, I write down a list of points of things that I would like to talk about and sometimes I even just write a letter to them.  By me giving them a note I don't have to actually tell them about it because they can read it. For me it doesn't seem so confrontational.

I actually did this last week when i saw my psych.  I wrote a few lines and walked in and gave it to him.  From there he read it and then we talked about it.

I agree with @mrkotter.

Take care, hope to chat with you again.

[1stepup61]

Hi VRAero, Welcome! I read your story which you communicated so very well, it reminded me of myself many years ago when i was your age. I used alcohol and serial dating as well and like you I knew something was going on within me that i felt hard to understand. i also went to a counsellor for the first time back then and like you my first counsellor and i did not work out. The first thing i would say to you is please dont be to hard on yourself! You are deffinately not alone, in how you have handled your feelings so far and I am very impressed that you have reached out to this forum to ask for others experiences which i never did back then. So, you are very brave and I know you will find a therapist that will better suit you, because there are so many good kind therapists around who genuinely want to help. I used alcohol because I was really shy and unhappy and alcohol seemed to make me look confident and outgoing and the serial dating was because I did not want to be alone and it made me feel good for at least a little while. What i didnt know then which i now know looking back is, when we are young we are all insecure and figuring ourselves out, even the friends that seem to look like they have it all, inside are just the same as everyone else who is just trying to figure themselves out to. I understand its hard to speak about personal stuff, but if you see a counsellor or your doctor they are bound to keep what you tell them confidential. Do you have a doctor that knows you? I would go to your doctor and tell your doctor whats going on and have a check up, you might have depression which can be treated and also your doctor may know of a good counsellor for you as well. If you dont want to go to your doctor, I would call orwalk in to a headspace clinic for under 25s. You can find them online to at eheadspace.org, from what i hear they are doing great work with young people and they have free counselling etc. Also, is there a family member you feel safe talking to? If there is,talking to them could be a relief for you and for them, as they may want to help but dont know how best to ask you.

[vraero]

@mrkotter Thanks for sharing your experience, that makes me think I've probably been expecting too much of one counselling visit. I was pretty desperate when I booked that session and hoping it was going provide some revelations and I'd be a changed person! Not likely how it works.

I'll keep trying 🙂

[vraero]

Hi @BlueBay, 
Thanks for your response!

This is actually kind of funny; I was thinking to myself this would be so much easier for me if I could just make a list of what's bothering me and hand it to a professional. I guess I never thought of actually doing that. As a perfectionist, I make lists ALL the time and I find it's the best way for me to sort out my emotions. Might try this when I work up the courage again.

[vraero]

Hi @1stepup61

Thank you 🙂 I really appreciate you sharing your experience.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. I don't really have a doctor who knows me, so I think other sources are probably best to start with but I might think about headspace - I've heard good things about them too!

I was using alcohol as a "social lubricant" as well when I first turned 18. Since then I've become a lot more social and at some point I think alcohol turned into a tool to express my emotions (but not in a healthy way). I'm not sure if quitting cold turkey was the best idea, but I've done it and I'm going to try to keep that going for a while.

Thanks again!

[1stepup61]

Hi vraero, thanks for your reply. Since you dont have a doctor, its a good idea to find a doctor that can get to know you. You could ask a friend who they see? Who have you seen before that you felt was easy to talk to? Its great you have stopped drinking, this tells me you are listening to your inner voice telling you something is not quite right and already helping yourself heaps and giving yourself a break. So, I wish you well on your journey and always remember, if things get tough there is someone to talk to, like here, headspace, a doctor and even Life Line who i have spoken to in the middle of the night and maybe there is one person in your family you can try and reach out to and begin to start talking to, ask how there day is? What they have been up to? Do they have a hobbie they like talking about? Because feeling connected with our loved ones is always helpful, i think. All the best! Bye from Step up

[Doc_Gonzo]

Howdy,

I recently accessed a new therapist under the mental health care plan. Before our first session I thought about and wrote down a series of questions to help frame the first session. For me (I know that some of these wont be relevent to your experiences, but bear with me) I wanted to know about her expertise, how she maintains safety from trauma (trauma counselling is her primary function) her level of experience and how she would work iwthin a 10 session time limit. I sent these via email so that I eliminated the face to face anxiety I sometimes get. The therapist in question gave an incredibly in depth response via email and addressed each of my questions individually. I do this with any therapist or professional I am seeing as the responses I get also help me to guage whether I am being heard (not just listened to) and whether I could potentially trust this person.

Before our sessions I drafted another set of questions around the 3 main things that had been really bugging me (I sat down and wrote a 'shit list' of all the things that were really getting to me and picked the top 3 from that). This helped to frame our first session and we worked together from my starting point. Taking something with you when you enter into a session may help to loosen up the conversation a bit. I openly encourage people to write down questions, thoughts and feelings and take them into sessions as it can really speed up rapport and funnel sessions into a more productive mode.

For my psychologist ( I have been seeing for more than 2 years) I regularly use a voice recorder app to capture my thoughts and feelings. I then listen to these recordings to see if it is just a vent to be deleted or whether it is something that requires further attention. If I record something that I think requires more in depth discussion then I will send it to my psych for him to listen to before our next session.

Just some things to consider, hope there is something useful for you here.