Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anony18]

I have been with my partner for a year and I am aware he has had alot of tragedies in his life before he dated me. I am aware his ex cheated on him then left him when his dad passed a few years ago. Along with that his friends left him as well. So not sure if this is reason why he is currently pushing me away. He isn't a very open person but has told me how his sibling has mental issues which therapy past 3 yrs havent helped the sibling. Plus I don't think the mum has been coping either leaving him to have all this reliance on him. I know he has anxiety and was seeing a therapist at one point but not sure if he still does.

Few weeks ago a friend passed away and he did come over the next day which was surprising but of course when I asked if he is ok he responded yes. After that he has shut me off. I text and miss call everyday to show I care and only after a few days later he will respond I am ok just needed some space. Which leaves me to think he doesnt need it anymore. He also later mentioned how he is now going through a life crisis with a big birthday milestone coming. I asked him multiple times if we could catch up to talk cause i miss him but also so i can figure out what I am suppose to do to support him through this. I dont know if it is a good thing even though am chasing him that he does text me every 3-5 days to say he is ok just needed space. Last week he even said he been wanting call me but needed space. Again not sure if that is a good sign.

Mid this week, after not hearing and seeing him for few weeks, i felt worried he is drifting away and I texted him to express that. He lashed out in his reply saying how he had put alot of stuff in the back burner due to work, family and other spare time for me. This was not something I was aware off cause he never told me. He also mentioned how now he is going through this life crisis and it appears am holding it against him for not fixing it when in fact I am anxious cause i care about him and want to support but he doesnt help me understand how support him and pushes me away. He said he would love have my life and that I should not feel anxious and count my blessings when he has it worst and appears to not break down as much as I do. I replied asking him if we could talk cause obviously I want to understand if he still wants be with me and if so compromise a way I can support him, ie give him space but he needs to text me he is ok every few days etc. He has not replied.

The message he sent I believe is part of frustration due to my insecurity plus the night before his sibling acted up big time. I don't think his message was a break up..my friends says that if he did it would be face to face. I am aware he needs his space but I so desperately want to talk to him to figure out if we can work this out together. Understand if he wants be as his support and if I am a positive influence in his life. And if he does want my support I will give it but he needs communicate better, ie tell me earlier and text me if not everyday, every few days he is ok.
I am not sure what to do since I want to really talk to him but he doesnt want talk to me yet and it is making me struggle not knowing when. I want him to know I care a great deal but not sure how to reach out. Also his birthday is coming soon so was gonna text if i dont hear.

If anyone has got any advice I appreciate it.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Anony18 🌸

That is a difficult position to be in .... confusing and frustrating for both you and your partner 😔

At a glance it sounds like he is struggling to process his circumstances, and his emotional responses to those circumstances .... so from that position it will be really hard for him to try to communicate any of that to anyone else.

The fact that he is letting you know he is okay by texting every few days indicates that your presence in his life is a steadying influence .... something he is depending on, not because he communicates with you, but perhaps because up until now he has felt that you would be there, without him having to try to communicate .... that it was enough for him to let you know he is okay.

The trouble with that is that it is a one-way street .... it's not enough for you to just be there ... because your feelings count too, and you are feeling helpless, and shut-out, exactly as you have tried to tell him ....

But here is the thing ... as much as we would like to help someone else, we can't until they are ready to receive that help, or to reach out to try to find it 😕

I am in a somewhat helpless situation with my husband .... he needs help but has not recognised that he is unwell and needs that help.  It is a very difficult position to be in ... to walk beside someone whike you watch them struggle, but you are not allowed to help in a way that matters.

You can take heart from the fact that he will realise it at some point, and if you choose to stand by him, he will realise in hind-sight how much support you gave him in the limited way you could, by simply being around and available to listen.

This is the important thing for you though, for your own well-being ... you can't afford to make what is happening for him the centre of your life.  Carers need support and understanding themselves, and thus is an uneven relationship, because he is unable, in his current frame of mind, to give you support and understanding in return.

Please make time to look after yourself and your own well-being.  Invest in friendships other than this relationship so you have people who can hear you, understand you, and care for you in return - otherwise this relationship can cause burn-out in you.

Chat here as much as you like 😊

There are others here who will listen and understand, and offer feedback of their own.  If you look around the site, you can learn a lot from reading other people's stories, and the responses they have received too.

Take care

🌷 F&H

[Anony18]

@Faith-and-Hope - Thanks so much for this. It is a great perspective you have given stating that he is trying to work out his emotions. I never really thought about it in that way. I know it may be even harder for him to completely focus on himself given his family, who he lives with, are themselves suffering from mental illness. If and when he reaches out it is definitely a conversation to have given my current uncertainty if my messages of concern is indeed some support for him. Hopefully they are and that is why he did tell me he is going through this. And also hopefully my recent insecurities have caused him to push me away more with him thinking I don't care for his wellbeing. I am currently giving him space but if I don't hear by his birthday...which is in few days...I intend to text him. Hopefully he responds so I know he still wants me sticking around. 

In regards to your current situation....as you said it is frustrating for you. I do hope and will pray that your husband eventually recognises he is unwell and seeks help. Unfortunately we cannot force the people we love to do open up or talk unless they are willing to. 

I have been talking to my friends to get these feelings and getting different views. Of course there are some that have said he is playing a strategy game so wait til he text. However speaking to my best friend who knows him and reading forums and websites all afternoon I realise he might see this as an abandonment which he has experienced in past by his ex and friends.

I do have a lot of outside activities such as my dance so that will hopefully help. My best friend has also advised me to seek our employee assistance programme which I may look to. I am not the best with words so I think that may help me assist not only best way converse with my partner to support him through this but assist myself. 

Will keep you updated of any progress.

Take care

Anony18

[Faith-and-Hope]

All the best with it @Anony18 😊

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @Anony18,
It is quite clear you are offering as much support as you can and that in itself needs to be congratulated, well done!
Sometimes additional challenges present when the support network for your loved one (in this case his family) are not entirely functional. I know my partner (bipolar) really struggled when trying to cope with anything that didn't suit him or wasn't factored into his plans, this was in part the bipolar, but primarily due to the fact his family (single mother with not great coping skills) never taught him how to be resilient. Sometimes the best you can do is be there for support if he chooses to take it, and model the coping behaviours he should be utilising.
In saying that, you also need to look after yourself. I'm glad you have some outlets and it is important to continue with them. I personally would highly recommend seeing a psych to help you stay in control of your feelings but also to assist you with tactics for modelling behaviours for your partner. In future if you have a good relationship with a psych he may be open to going along with you which is a nice step to break the ice with seeking professional help himself!
Never forget you are amazing, and you are doing all you can to help your partner, ultimately it is up to him how he progresses from here. Just keep reminding him you are there if he needs you!
Tigs
xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Tiggeroo said - 

Sometimes the best you can do is be there for support if he chooses to take it, and model the coping behaviours he should be utilising.

_____________________

This is what our kids and I are trying to do .... it ain't easy .... but it's the best way forward that we can see while we are waiting for my husband to wake up to his situation and seek professional help.

Thanks @Tiggeroo

🌷 F&H

[Anony18]

@Tiggeroo - It is definitely a challenge faced with his family situation. I think it is the most significant which unfortunately he can't or rather won't just leave behind. I am uncertain if he does go see a psych. Hopefully he is. Something I will have to ask him (if and) when he speaks to me. I think part of his frustration is also cause it appears everyone relies on him in past. He couldn't say No. He did mention once how he has felt pressured his whole life. 

I do want to be around for support as a partner but as you said it depends on firstly he wants me around for support (as one can only try) and secondly eventually opening up to me enough for me to help me help him....if that makes sense.

I don't know if it is the right approach for me to state to him the impact keeping me in dark and pushing me away has, ie makes me feel helpless as am uncertain how and what support he needs. I don't know if I will be too aggressive asking him if there is a reason he appears to close off/push people away as well as asking if he gets down and needs space - still message every few days to know he is ok and see if there is a possibility if not weekly come see me the second week for a couple hours even as it obviously is hard not seeing him or hugging him given it is now almost a month

Am definitely considering going to see a counsellor more to get advice on best way approach and talk to him. 

[pip]

Hi Anony 18. Till recently, I was in a similar situation. My bf was blowing hot and cold. One minute he was 'gung-ho' next it was 'I need space'. About a week ago, I got fed-up with the situation and emailed him explaining I didn't think we were going to work. I said how unfortunate it was because I believed him to be a great guy, but, like your bf, I was getting the 'I need space' etc. since I emailed him, I've heard nothing, zilch. Put bluntly, he didn't want me, but didn't have the guts to admit. If your bf wanted you, I feel he would shift Heaven on earth to sort things out. He would be confiding in you, explaining what the problem was. When they start the 'I need space' ********, it is pure baloney. If my bf wants to reconnect, he knows where I am, meantime I'm going to go out and enjoy myself. Sorry if I sound harsh but I've had it with procrastinating bf's. I had it with teenage bf's, I'm not tolerating the run-around anymore.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sounds like you've left the door open if he wants to talk @pip, but you're not waiting around just inside the door for him ..... if he does reconnect, let him find you available to chat, but not lonely and moping without him either ....

Even if it's not intentional, it's not good for anybody to manipulate, or be manipulated by, other people.  Sometimes they need the example set, if their only understanding of relationships has been "power-games".

@Anony18 .... it's worth thinking about ....

🌷

[pip]

Dear Faith-and-Hope. I went out with someone else last night and today. Felt a bit guilty, but then thought, why should I. I'm hoping he finds out as I've let a mutual friend know. If he doesn't react, he never cared. If he reacts in any way, I'll have some idea where he is emotionally. Men are sooo hard to understand, yet they say women are complex.