Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Squirrel101]

My 33 yo brother has always been a diffifult person. He was bully in school and grew up feeling that he's never accomplished anything. Things got worst in the last three years where he's developed OCD for germs. First this only limits to himself, his study room, and his bedroom (he lives with mum & dad). They are his safe zones so no one would enter them. Just in the last year he's extended his "zones" to include the kitchen and dining area so they will need to be cleaned regularly and he would wipe everything multiple times a day if someone touches them. Food containers/ bowls needed to wipe with full strenght antiseptic prior to be put into the fridge. My parents now have a 2nd fridge just to keep their stuffs. Mind you this is their home and not his. He doesn't work and live off monthly stipend from our parents. His excuse is he's looking after mum who has dementia and also blaming us for his unaccomplishents so he can't work. The fact is he is unable to work anywhere due to his phobia.

Anyway I've been living with them in the last month (I'd come and stay with them couple months a year to help caring for mum) and I've noticed he's gotten worst. Bad temper, germophobia hasn't got any better despite he's claming it has. He can't really care for mum other than preparing her meds and keep an eye on her. I've gently suggested him to seek treatment for the last two years but he's never made any efforts. During this visit anything I said to him, no matter how carefully worded, tends to upset him and he would just start yelling or says if I want to get into trouble with him. I went to see the pschriatrist two days ago and the dr thinks he may also have a combination of schizophrenia as we have extended family members with schizophrenia and OCD. The doctor said we can't do much unless he seeks medical help and the only temporary solution is to separate him from mum as he's unable to fully care for her anyway. I was wondering if what would be the best way to try to get him some helps?  

[Mosaic]

Hi @Squirrel101 Firstly welcome to the Forums and thanks for sharing!

As I'm sure you have heard, you cannot force your brother to get help, only he can do that for himself. But something you can control is how you engage with his OCD. OCD can be very tricky for the family to manage, as it's very easy for family members to become involved with or participate in the obsessions around germs and rituals of hygiene. For example, his requirements that the rest of the family clean the kitchen to his standards, wipe down bowls with antiseptic and use a different fridge to store food. While enaging with the OCD in this way does bring temporarily relief your brother's distress, it ultimately enables and perpetuates the anxiety and in the end is not helpful for him. This is becasue OCD works in a looping cycle (has obsessive thought - engages in ritual - experience temporary relief - anxiety returns). Although it is more difficult to be assertive rather than just give in to keep the peace, it is so important to enforce a clear boundary that you will engage only with him, not his OCD. While this strategy will certainly make him uncomfortable and may even seem cruel, actually it sends an important message. The message being that you care about your brother, and while he himself may not be strong enough to 'stick up' to the OCD that is 'bullying' him, you are strong enough to stick up to it. You can find more helpful information about this approach here.

OCD is typically fuelled by stress. I wonder if perhaps your mothers dementia and deteriorating condition is causing the anxiety to strengthen? Dementia is such a horrible disease, I am sure that is really difficult for everyone. How are you handling it all? Do you have anyone in your life that you trust to turn to for support?

[Squirrel101]

You're spot on that I think having to care of mum has triggered his OCD. It started when mum's starting to forget to wash her hands, pick up trashes from the bins, using bare hands to wipe off dust from the floor, and she would sometime continue her to touch food, etc. She washes her hands very very often (as a result of us constantly reminding her to do so) so she doesn't seem to be as unhygenic as we would think but this of course doesn't provide any relieve for my brother due to his OCD.

They are fortunate to be able to live where we can have an affordable in-home care (they are overseas) so that's a great help. I'd really like to what you suggested by not giving in and try to live on our daily lives but his temper has become very bad and would often get agressive. And because we have a helper at home he sorts of take control over this and if the helper doesn't do what he says (wiping off things) then she would get into trouble. So in a way it's catch 22. Trust me though most helpers can stay for for a few months and they couldn't stand him. My mum and dad still needs a helper to help around the house so

[coffeegirl]

@Mosaic so many helpful tips in your post! Thank you.

@Squirrel101 While the details of your story is different, there is a reoccuring theme on the forum of family members not knowing what to do because their loved one doesn't see or believe they would benefit from help.

One member who comes to mind is @jessydog who talks about her son with OCD here. @jessydog, I wonder if you have any tips or advice for Squirrel?

[Tarnia]

My mum isnt doing the best. We dont know what it is and getting her to see a doctor let alone a psychologist would be impossible.
Its almost like early onset dementia but depression to.
I think if i suggested it or say we've noticed things arnt good we would offend her and shes likely to blame my father.
Just getting her into the local doctors to say somthing is the start im after but i also know the red tape on on "free mental health issue's" would have her not bother if i did manage to.
My husband has been seeing a doctor as he has depression and although this years visits has run out the doctor belives ptsd to.
And to top that my son has had youth mental health visit and hes beeing looked at for anxiety and depression.
My brother has bi polar but he is in nz .
Im surrounded by people who need my help and prioratising has been key to myne and there survival.
I use to suffer panic attacks and anxiety but im doing ok. But we are broke and on centerlink... of course witout any offical diagnosis my husband is being forced to look for work... that he wont because he thinks he will die if he dose...its hard. Hes not a bludger and has worked his whole life from a very young age and just run into bad luck that effected him psychologicaly.
Im never sure how to help or what to do some days.
So many people and ramifications to think of i just go sit outside and relax for a while and dont think about it 😕