Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Appleblossom]

I know my story is just too hard to hear .. Sorry to anybody that I have upset.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Appleblossom,

I am sorry for your suffering.

If you know how your different relationships have impacted negatively I think it is an opportunity to learn and grow. From my own experience it does not help to keep dwelling. I cannot go back and change the past. I am reminded of the advice that @Hobbit I think contributed to the forum. Accept what you cannot change, change what you can and learn to recognize which is which. I think that is a parphrase and I also recognize the wording as similar to a prayer for surrender. 

One I like to telI myself goes something like forgive, forget, face forward and forge ahead fearlessly.

Also despite the anonymity I am reluctant to share too much of my private stuff on a online forum so not inclined to give all the details of my own story.

cheers,

Carer101.

[PeppiPatty]

dear @Former-Member

Good nice interesting message to @Appleblossom and yes yes, to @Appleblossom ☺🐦🐣🐤🐭🐦🐢

How do you change your experience to something creative? 

Ive been having weird dreams and this memory came back, something i've forgotten....and blamed myself for for years. Ive blamed myself for 15 years something that was never never my fault. 

Im wondering how to change my story..for me to move on.........

Has helped me hugely just saying my story on sane forums. This is definately not helpful for everyone though.

Ive been working out how to make my home that i live in now.... for me. I want to change wall colours, new furniture i like, found on side of the road....

[Appleblossom]

Yes @Former-Member You are right about excess dwelling but if we dont reflect on our history we are doomed to repeat it.  That is pretty cautionary for me with my son. 

So how do I know what is excess and what is necessary though about my life? I am now old enough to know that distraction techniques dont always work. I have continually picked myself up and renovated the house, faced someother aspect of work or family.  I was on the introverted and quiet side, then forced myself to be extroverted because my shyness wasnt helping. So now some of my story is out there.

My mother kept too many secrets and made me suffer a great deal for her pride. Maybe I have gone too far the other way, though there is plenty more. I have also been very restrained too.

I remember reading the serenity prayer on a poster in somebody's bathroom when I was a kid. I have often come back to it .. and it proabbaly helped me survive.  yet it is not a level playing field and some situations and families experience m ore stress than others.

How to make it creative @PeppiPatty

not sure yet .. working on it... what was your art exhibition about?

[Appleblossom]

What do you mean @PeppiPatty

by "show remorse"?

[Appleblossom]

There is a type of therapy, developed in South Australia, which I came across in my counselling course called "Narrative Therapy" ..

as you keep retelling your story notice how it changes and try and develop the positive things that emerge .. would be my oversimplified summation... maybe that can help you.

I do lots of music to take my mind off "my story" but music is also a large part of it.

[BPBear]

Hey Appleblossom,

I am somewhat late coming to the conversation however your story is a touching one. Interesting what you say about society and family not really wanting to know about your loss. Losing one member to suicide is bad enough but two compounds the situation. Note I say compounds, not doubles.....it is so much more than that.

Have you heard of The Compassionate Friends. Their purpose is to support  people like you who have experienced the death of a family member. They have siblings support groups where you can talk freely, knowing that the people you are connecting with have lived a similar experience and understand where you are coming from and will not judge you, but rather support you. Their number is 98884944.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @BPBear I will think about recontacting them if my visit to "supportaftersuicide" does not work out..

My surviving sister encouraged me to go to a compassionate friends meeting with her about 20 years ago. I found it helpful at the time but things did not stop then as it was before my brother died.

There was an odd confusion at the the time as they thought I was going "to support" my sister and I was but we were both dealing with the death. However in the group she flipped into a coping giving adcice to others mode .. I am not sure if she has made it her "safe haven" and as she has been horrendous to me since that meeting I thought it better to find other forms of support.

She is 11 years younger than me and was the only one of 5 who did not experience time as a ward of the state.

My surviving younger sister has decided that I am to blame, never wants to see me again, and was party to leveraging my biological daughter from me .. with overseas meeting in Mexico and Southern US etc .. I used to adore her but now trust is worse than zilch.

I really was shocked that we became so polarised because I really loved her, and was a pseudo father to her, took her to drama etc. I kept reaching out thinking it was just because she was younger .. but now I am licking new wounds ...from her.

It has gotten to the stage where I know I was not too blame .. so I am fighting back I was only 18 month older than my next brother and he was favoured oldest son, spoiled and headstrong .. I usually had far too much responsiblity PUT on my shoulders.

[BPBear]

Oh dear AppleB (do you mind my shortening your monika)

Your life is so complicated and my heart reaches out to you. Why is that some of us are dealt such a crappy hand and others breeze through.

At least you have heard of The Compassionate Friends! Maybe you could interract with them separate to your sister. I know they'd like to help if they could.However, see how you go with supportaftersuicide.

[Appleblossom]

No problem with name shortening. @BPBear

I appreciate having this interaction right now. Reconciliation with my sister may never happen and I have stopped trying or even wanting it. I can only control my side of things.

I deliberately tried to simply my home life for last 13 years to be able to slow things down and respond to things one at a time.  Part of it was ill health but the good thing was I became clear about most pressures and motivations within the family .. and things played themself out. .

I think complications happen when people have blended/step family issues as well as foster families.

I know ALL people have their struggles and problems but I come down the the fact that it is not a level playground.