Lived Experience Forum

[blackdog]

I don't even feel like writing this. Something inside me says "whats the point?". And I believe that is true. I think people are sick of hearing my stuff and in alot of ways I'm sick of telling it. I also feel that people are too caught up in their own lives to genuinly care. I call lifeline, mensline, beyond blue, SANE and almost any other service that has a helpline but it never seems to help, not for long anyway. These days I've taken to terminating the conversations early because I realise "what's the point?", the person on the other end of the phone doesn't really want to hear this stuff. 

I've officially had severe mental illness for 15 years, but I've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for much longer than that, and the list of diagnoses and speculation about what is going on for me are as long as a coal train. Nobody knows what's beneath it all, least of all me and the more I dig the more confused and lost I get. I feel with each passing day that I become more worthless and less hopefull. I feel doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists just give up and the more the window of hope shrinks, the more desperate I get. I feel the mental health professionals say to themselves "what's the point?".

I haven't held a job in 4 years but I'm still required to look. I don't know how I'm suppose to hold a job when I can't even shower, brush my teeth or cook myself a meal.

Shame and self loathing make up my self esteem, mixed with those general feelings of anger, frustration, irritability, distress, sadness and simply overwhelmed.

I often ask myself why am I like this? Why do I do these things? What's wrong with me!? Why would a child of 12 stick a loaded gun to their head, and why would that child all grown up at 38 still think suicide is a good option and bash their head against a brick wall or say stupid things in front of their two year old child like they were going to take their own life. Yes I had a rocky childhood myself but that doesn't seem to hold some people back. People tell me of the success stories of refugees and other people from tough situations like it's suppose to suddenly snap me out of the place I'm in and I will go on to great things and a happy and fullfilling life. And if you can't "snap out of it" for your kids then what other motivation do you need????

I don't have friends, I don't have family. I live alone and have an AVO against me and can only spend limited time with my children mostly because I can't cope having them for too long.

I don't even know why I'm saying this stuff, I know there's no point, but when you're alone and desperate, I guess you do desperate things for connection and understanding.

I don't even want any replies to this, I'm writing this for myself more than anything and to occupy my time because I can't sleep or concentrate on a book or the TV. Typing this may be better than sitting alone with a ton of guilt on my mind. But after typing this I sit here contemplating hitting cancel, should I share my insane drama with the world..... And "what's the point" even if I do?

[Former-Member]

Oh dear @blackdog, you do sound down, sorry to hear it. Of cause its OK for you to reach out here & I hope you don't mind my reply. Even if you get one helpful tip by posting, then its worth it.

I was wondering if you've given counselling a good go and antidepressants etc? Mindfulness, self compassion therapy...

It is possible to change these mind patterns & to enjoy life, or at least small parts of it at first.

You ask 'what's the point' - you're alive, and human - that's the point. If nobody in your life can show that to you then I'm sad for you but you need to see it in yourself.

There's a book by Russ Harris "Reality Slap" of have been teaching me to love & nurture myself. So much has changed since I read this book & done the exercises.

No, you . we may never be cured but we can manage our MH enough.

Hang in there 🙂

[Princessmolly]

I dont know why i just did a blank post....anyway i am off to work but i just wanted to say ill post a reply to this tonight. uour post has really struck a cord with me. Ill be thinking of you all day. Please do something nice for yourself today because you are worth it x

[Maggie]

I sure do hear you. All I can say is you are not alone, and there is a point. You have value, and I'll bet you are very understanding. Hang in there

[Suchislife]

I can't stop thinking about you after reading your post last night and I registered today because of it . I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and as another person said, it resonated with me too. I'm not experiencing suffering quite as yourself, but not good, hence me coming to this website.  I know you said you didn't care about a response and I haven't any great words of wisdom,  I'm sure you've heard it all before in any case, but I just wanted to say I hear you and feel for you immensely.  I hope for you and all suffering we come to lead happier and productive lives.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @blackdog,

Your post, and your experience has really resonated with a few others on here - including myself. I know that you mentioned that you weren't expecting responses, but I just wanted to highlight how you've touched others by being honest and frank about your experience. Keep writing...

[Princessmolly]

@blackdog i hope you are ok today. Iv been thinking about you and your post all day. I must have read it about ten times. You are not alone, you are not worthless, you my friend are a freaking warrior and should be so proud of the fact that even though you have suffered immensly you still keep trying, still keep striving to get help, reach out and feel better. You are still here for your children....even though its not in the way that you want to be but you are here!!! On this earth loving them the best that you can. <br>We have a lot of similar issues blackdog. Iv struggled with mental illness as long as i can renember. Iv been wanting to die and trying to end my life from my early teens. No its not normal to stick a gun to your head as a teen. It breaks my heart that any child would feel that desperate. Iv been there. I used to go for long walks in sub zero temperatures as a teen, hoping to get hypothermia and never wake, id go walking in lightning storms holding a golf club like a lightning rod above my head.... hoping to get struck by lightning. Id come home cold, unsuccessful and drenched and my dad didnt even notice. Nor did he notice me lay on our loungeroom floor for 2 days vomiting green foam after a OD. My point is that a one people have brief circumstantial periods of depression and then there are people like you and me...who have a chemical imbalance. No amount of dredging up the past or blaming my childhood helps. My mother and grandfather have both taken their lives, there is a strong family disposition that i am award of.<br>Iv done the merry go round of helplines, psychologists, psychiatrists, and often come off feeling worse than when i went in or made the call. I now use these appointments to get things off my chest that i cant say aloud to anyone else. It makes me feel better to able to talk about things out loud as opposed to replaying stuff over and over in my head, essentially torturing myself. Its a shame friends and familydont fet it. Not many people know what it feels like to wake up and be dissapointed that you didn't burst an aneurysm and die in your sleep.<br>I have a degree, house and a good job but i failed high school due to my illness. One day i just found it in me to get out of the town i was in and start fresh. I graduatedalmost ten years ago but every day i struggle with anxiety and depression. I sometimes wish people would see just how unwell i am and admit me for a month or so. I toy with the idea of ECT. I have to share with you a couple of things i find helpful...<br>The book the happiness trap by russ harris. Reading that made me realise i am NOT a freak.<br>Deleting facebook. It was crippling me seeing everyone living awesome lives.<br>Getting outside every day. Even if its sitting in my yard drinking a cup of tea i need ths light on my skin. I only recently realised wvery time im deficent in viramin D im actually suicidal<br>Please take care. every day is a new opportunity. You arent going to get better straight away but you are worth the effort of trying. I wish i knew you in real life i think you would bd a wonderful person to know.<br>

[Princessmolly]

^please excuse the spelling i get carried away typing to fast and post...forgetting you cant edit

[Gavinlee]

Hi blackdog,

While reading your post I was thinking about some of the similarities to myself.

When my life crashed I had the AVO against me too, broke it, went to jail for a month etc etc

Im not here to talk about me however I wish to tell you a little about my journey and hope it my help you in some way.

Firstly I had to get myself private hospital cover (top cover), I was then able to go into a private mental health facility, well we all know how good the public ones are. The staff are very caring and understanding in private, while I was there I had a treatment called TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) it is none invasive, unlike ECT.

During my last week of a 28 day stay they asked me to go to a group for the day, OMG, there were other people there just like me, I wasn't the only one.

I joined this group and have been going there every week for 18 months (thanks Medibank lol), I go for a TMS top up (3days) every 6 months, I have a great GP, great psychiatrist, the correct meds and my group.

I have been to the worse place in my head and acted on it in the passed, now I can see a future and wonder why I went there.

There is hope and help out there, sometimes it's a little hard to find, you are not alone.

Keep fighting for yourself, not your kids, self-compassion should be first and then other things will fall into place.

sorry for the novel