Lived Experience Forum

[Dogman]

All my life since I can remember I have had trouble with anxiety, and 4 years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic complex PTSD & Mixed Bipola. Since then I have worked extremely hard on getting my self better.

My daughter is now in her 18th year and over the last 6-7 years as I was trying to deal with my illness, my chemical embalance, I at time was very angry and struggled to hold my composer and my temper. As my daughter was home after school and weekends she was in the in of fire and I have said some angry things towards her, especially when I have asked her to do something and she didn't want to or just didn't do them. ( pick up her self, help around the house, swearing, being way to long in the shower) Now she doesn't talk to me at all, my partner is going through (man-on-pause), I have been able to get my self some what better but it's been at a Big cost both financially and most emportantly a big cost with my relation ship with my daughter and partner. should I just be patient and keep working on being a better person? or is their something else I can do?

Is their something else I could be doing?

[Sky]

Hi @Dogman,

Thank you for sharing your story with everyone here. Sounds like you're trying to keep everything together but not sure what more you could do.

It is hard to look after a family and family has different stages as well. Often people talk about when children stepping into adulthood is a more challegning stage just like some adults stepping into retirement stage. I'm guessing it is tough to find out when now there is communication breakdown.

Would you be able to see this is an oppotunity for you to have some space and chill before reconnect with your daughter? Some people like using a third party to assist the communication and decision making process such a psychologist, counsellor or a family therapist so emotions generated doesn't get in the way.

There are many ways to do things and this is just one of them. Please feel free to search on the search bar for simliar posts members shared. People are very supportive here so I hope you'll find it somewhat releving to have people listen to you.

Take care,

[Appleblossom]

Yes I think you are on the right track .. be patient and keep trying but .. teenage girls can be more than a handful ..

I have to resist the urge to do the picking up myself .. as I wanted to keep the peace ..

Parenting paradigms seem to change like the fashions in women's skirts and men's beards.

In my generation .. nothing was to be dropped on the floor .. the next generation .. the right of the kids not to do or pick up anything has been championed ..

I am waiting for the next round ...

Not sure what you meant by mano-pause ... lol .. maybe that like my having a man holiday ... keep posting and keep some faith in your worth as a person .. there are no perfect parents .. tho a few who pretend ..

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Dogman

I can that you are really trying to make amends with your daughter. Having a teenager daughter who is particularly uncommunicative can make this challenging. Establishing open and honest communication could be a good start. Let your daughter to know what you're doing, and aknowledge (just as you've done on here) the impact that your behaviour may have had on her. She may not be ready to open up (this might take some time), but let her know that she can come to you when she's ready. By doing this, you can create space that is safe for her to communicate in her own time. 

Have you attempted talking to her about this?

CherryBomb

[Dogman]

Hi @CherryBomb

I have tried to communicate with her, I ended up texting her a message and at least she knows, thats for your support and to everyone who har given support.

@Dogman

[angel_wings]

I too have a teenage daughter, who when in a bad mood, blames me for everything wrong in her life, bcos of what she has gone through with my depression. I find truth is the best thing. Keep trying to talk to her, communication honestly is the best answer. Be as truthful as you can, explain it from your point of view, and explain you understand it has affected her, and that you love her unconditionally. Try writing this in a letter, so she can read it in her own time, if she doesnt want to listen to you talking... constantly leave her little notes telling her you love her... She may not seem to care right now, but I bet you anything she will always remember those notes and probably even keep them hidden. As she matures she will go back to the words you wrote and even if she doesn't completely understand, she will know you love her.. and that, is more important for her than anything else.
Good luck, pick your battles with her, and keep communicating, be it by txt, letter or any way possible. And yes, keep working on yourself, as she will also one day remember that.. and it shows her you meant what you said, you loved her enough to try and keep trying. I think you are doing well, keep it up.. things will work out.. girls are a handful!!! You will be rewarded later on, with a better relationship with her 🙂

[Dogman]

Yes I believe so, I have put in place some good rules and an honest self avaluation and with patience and time I believe things will get better.

I have been a very hard person to live with and I forget that some days and forget that my family are still here.

So "always be nice" and understand that everyones problems are very emportant to them selves and "respect others & show cause that they respect you" and hopefully things will continue to get better!

[Appleblossom]

But dont internalise .. lack of respect as appropriate or necessarily deserved ...

as it is quite shocking the degree of lack of respect that some young people hang on to ..

today is my oldest biological child's birthday

She is still very comfortable with lack of respect .. or abuse .. but I dont get to get a word in... barely.

I am frightened to send an email .. so will limit it to just Happy Birthday .. and quietly celebrate it as an anniversary for me .. I dont know what else to do .. I am very patient ... but people these days are not.

teenage girls can be a real handful.

Take care  @Dogman

[Dogman]

I am hopping that by getting my self to a stage where I am patient and pull back on the verbal arguing on un nessasary things and show while I do respect some of the things she is saying, there are rules to life and respect of your self and others is a big big part of that. I do believe now that if I try and give her space and show that i do respect her, she will only grow as a person if she learn to respect her self and others.

"Show respect to other peoples views but demand that they respect yours."

I believe in the following:

1. Strong is the person ho can harness their emotions and their past

2. Live your life so as death never enters your mind

&

3. trouble no one about their religion.

I am learning that the people closed to me do cop a fair bit of flack, but their still there, they are my shore line, they are what keeps me going. Maybe just maybe thats what my daughter needs right now, a shore line , someone who is always there. I know i have been in some bad places with my mental illness over the years, and we do all have our ups and downs. So showing her no matter what, I am here for her and i do care, while all the time trying in as little amounts as possible that manners and respect does matter and is what makes the world a better.

I suppose there is no book to raising a child and I believe that I am far from perficit. But I know she has had a good catholic education and she does have a lot of people around her who really care. So because of how I treated her when I was very ill and she was a bit younger, maybe she just doesn't like me very much at the moment.

we will always have to work on it, we are mortal, being mortal means that now is the pefect time to living our life to the best of our ability.