Lived Experience Forum

[Gerbera]

Hi There

I have been reading lots of stories on this forum and was hoping to find someone with the same story as me which I know is silly because everyone's experience is different.  Anyway I decided if I share my story it might help me with my terrible depression in some way.

A bit of background - I came from a very abusive childhood and suffered from neglect as well as sexual, physical and emotional abuse.  At the age of 15 I tried to leave but my parents would not allow me to go so I decided to take my own life which obviously was unsuccessful.  I left home when I was 16, was pregnant at 17 and married at 19.   I had another child at the age of 23.  Three weeks after my second child was born my marriage ended.  I cannot remember a time when I did not suffer from depression however after my marriage ended I went through periods where I was extremely active, partied a lot and accomplished a great deal (including spending a whole lot of money  I didn't have and had literally what must have been hundreds of sexual partners). During these periods I also displayed a lot of rage and anger which unfortunately was mainly directed at my children (I feel extremely guilty about those times).  At the age of 40 I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which explained those periods which usually lasted a few months and were followed by severe depression.

Since turning 40 and being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 I have not had a Hypomanic eposide,  I know I should see this as a victory but I would love to be Hypomanic again just to have a break from the depression.  Since my diagnosis I have been hospitalised 6 times, the first time for Hypomania and since then for severe depression.  Except one hospitalisation 2 and a half years ago where  I had some kind of episode (my physciatrist says was anxiety) but I believe it was more than that.  I am severely traumitised from this episode.  I did not sleep for 12 days and unlike when hypomanic I was really tired and it was almost like torture.  I was like a vegetable and it took me half the day just to have a shower and dress myself.  At the time I was so scared I would never come back from that place. Since then I have had to give up working full-time and only work casual 2-3 days per week. Prior to that episode I was on two medications - an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser,  I am now on 5 different medications.  My physciatrist had to keep adding in more medications to get me to sleep and to try and control my depression and anxiety.  So it takes a cocktail as such to keep me stable.  I had hoped to have been able to reduce these medications over time but unfortunately that has not been the case.

The main thing is I am always depressed.  My physciatrist seems to have been able to eliminate the hypomanic episodes but not the depression.  I see my physciatrist once a week and she is looking at changing my anti-depressant again as the one I am on is no longer working,  The frustrating thing is when I first start an anti-depressant I improve and then I go back down the slippery slope of depression again.  She keeps increasing the dosage as far as possible and then we have to change to something else.  I feel like a failure.... I have thought about ECT but I worry about the memory loss as well as the amount of time I would need to have off work.  We can't manage on one income.

The only two positives I have in my life is that firstly I have a wonderful husband that I met 4 years ago during my last hypomanic episode.  He is very understanding and supportive considering I am not the women he met if you know what I mean. Secondly I have managed to pay off my huge credit card debit as I have not had a single hypomanic episode in 4 years and I don't have the urge to shop.

I am very good at faking it when I have to (mainly for work) but it leaves me so exhausted I spend the rest of my time in bed.  We have no social life which I feel extremely guilty about.  I go to bed at 8.30 every night as I have this huge routine I go through just to get to sleep.  My medication doesn't knock me out.  If I have one late night I can't get out of bed the next day (feels like a massive hangover even though I haven't drank in 4 years).  It literally takes me a week to get over one late night so I avoid them.

If any one has an ideas to assist with combating depression I would very much appreciate it.  I apoligise for the rambling on.......

[pip]

Dear Gerbera. Most of what you're saying I can well relate to. I was kicked out at 16 due to being pregnant. Had my second child at age 21. The problems you're mainly experiencing is the constant inner battle with yourself. I can't help wondering if all the medications you're taking are fighting themselves to control you the 'victim'. I suffered similar fates to yours in my early childhood, the sexual abuse, narc parents, alcoholic father etc. Having no-one to turn to that I could trust, like you meant I too ran a bit 'wild'. You now have a wonderful, supportive hubby, but do you completely trust him enough to completely tell him about the 'real' you. Perhaps you could try 'letting' him into your secrets about your early dysfunctional upbringing, which, by the way, you had no control over. With the end of your first marriage, I suppose you went home, feeling you had nowhere else to go. When my first hubby suicided, I almost ran home with my tail tucked between my legs. However, I was so determined I was going to 'make it', I did something else I never disclose to anyone. I won't even mention it here, not because I'm ashamed, but because it represents a very low time in my life, I would rather forget. I married twice more, both have ended in divorce, due to my inability to understand fully what love and marriage mean. I do have a wonderful bf, whether we'll live together remains to be seen. Depression comes in waves, sometimes they're giant, almost feels as though you'll never be able to 'ride them out'. Other times it's like the sun disappears behind the clouds. Perhaps you should (with the help of your psych) try to detox all the medications in your system, then basically start again. Over a period of time with help, you should be able to get some AD's that will be right for you. Taking the cocktail you're on, it sounds as though you have a battle raging. Each AD is trying to combat the other. The end result is you're all over the place. Work on the hypomania first, then concentrate on the bipolar. Lastly work on the depression. Trying to fix everything at once is what's tiring you out.

[IRMe]

Gedday,

I'm 53 and f******, sorry, forever depressed. 

I've lived with manic depression, all my life.  I know what its like to feel the darkness and and been on the edge where I've just not been gutsy enough to take the next step, even though the voices are arguing on both sides of the fence.

I hate the term Bi-Polar!  I know its a goody two shoe term used so the reality of the condition isn't actually refured too but ....

Sounds like a bear from the artic coming out of the closet! "Hello, I am a 'Bi' Polar!"

Sorry can't be too straight on these sites!

I got "editted" on another site for being too real! 

Anyway, I could blame numerous events in my life and maybe even be able to pass the buck.  

• I was abandoned, found, fostered then adopted. All before I was 4!
• I was abused and assaulted, NOT by family, but as part of lifes experiences.
• I did time, for a crime I wasn't responsible for.
• I watched the grief and destruction of a very close friend on finding her dead son.
• etc. etc.

End of the day I look at it and class them as just some of the "not so great times" in my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean any disrespect, as I am unfortunately too aware of what depression is all about. 

I refer to my depression as "the Darkness".  

In the earlier days I use to fear it. Pretend the world was grand, when Hell was taken over.

"Better hide behind the mask and pretend all is well." 

"Don't want to upset the troops!"

"World is such a wonderful fluffy happy place that you can't do anything but paste on the false smile and nod agreeingly."

Barrrr Humbug! Reality hit.

By hiding from what is pursuing you, is just an endless sprint.  Run! Run! Run!

Eventually you get tired!

So what do you do?

Personally, I stopped running and hiding from it! 

The Darkness engulfs and the world becomes black!

For a little bit?!

I found that when I stopped running, and expecting the world around me to collapse into the eternal abyse; an inner understanding of mind!

Rather than trying to fight, or blame the Darkess for my lifes woes; I studdied it! felt it. Let it in! Almost embraced it! (Under strict rules of course )

 Doctors have a tendency of prescribing another pill!  May make you sort of, almost, not quite, feel a little better; but feel like crap in other way and pretend it's all good! It's a fine balance.

Quacks think FREUD was a genius and has to be obeyed without question! All the time never truly understanding the person! Text books are alway right and feelings are an illusion!  All the theories from those on 6 or 7 digit incomes, and no real life experience.

Unfortunately this goes for many of the so called "HELP" and "SUPPORT" sites and organisations. Until they take a little bit of notice of Atticus when he quoted - "You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view . . . until you climb into their skin and walk around in it."

Depression is NOT a weakness, and should never ever be treated as such.  

From the Darkness, small glimmers of light are easily seen. Hold on to them, bask in them and grow. Quite often these small glimmers are overlooked and never fully appreciated.

Unfortunately, after all this rave, I can not offer you any solution in combatting "Depression", except to simply say " Keep on battling on, and your not alone!" 

Be strong.

[Gerbera]

Dear Pip - Thanks so much for your reply. It is comforting to know that someone else can relate. Thank you for your suggestions about medication I will definitely discuss them with my Physchiatrist. You are right I do need to trust my husband completely.

[Gerbera]

Dear IRMe - Thanks for your heartfelt reply. I appreciate you sharing your story and it is comforting to know others have been through dark times too. You have definitely given me something to think about maybe I need to try to stop running from the darkness.