Lived Experience Forum

[Jasper]

Hi

I'm feeling a bit lost without a proper diagnosis and trialling endless meds. I was initially diagnosed with Major Depression 9 years ago and started seeing a private Psychiatrist who understood that I was very young when it all started. I was trialled with anti-depressants and nothing worked and so I was trialled with my first anti-psychotic and it kept me well for 8 years. I was given the pre-diagnosis of Bipolar so that the Psych could keep prescribing the anti-psychotic, but I wasn't aware that the diagnosis never actually happened. I gained alot of weight on the anti-psychotic and so a year ago I decided to find a new Psychiatrist and I found out through him that I was never properly diagnosed anything. And now it feels like we're starting from scratch.

My new Psych is great and thorough and very communicative, which is what I need because I ask alot of questions and I want to understand what is going on. He and I would like me to have gone off all meds and started from scratch properly but it was too risky and so now it feels like we are doing it all backwards and trying to find a medication so that I can see what works and what doesn't and then make a diagnosis maybe from there. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

So I've been trialling new meds all year and sometimes it feels like I will never find another medication. One anti-psychotic worked extremely well but I had an alergic reaction and ended up in hospital. I've been on a new anti-psychotic for 2 months now and I feel more panic/anxiety, can't sleep, more confused and the smallest things can tip me over into a freak out. I'm wanting to find another medication so that my life can start up again and I can get back into the workforce and provide for my family. It's hard going. I hope to have a diagnosis one day, but I guess it's more important that the medication works.

It gets so overwhelming. I have people who rely on me and I can't do what needs to be done. I have goals that I can't possibly achieve and now I have to trial another medication and possibly go through this all again for the 5th time in 12 months. I know many people have it harder and it can take years to find even one medication that works, so I should be grateful.

I have a job interview next week. Should I be honest with my employer if I get the job? 

[Appleblossom]

It is great that you have good psych doc.  A lot of matching the meds with diagnosis is tricky and probably more art than science ...

Re disclosure of MI a lot depends on industry and individual boss ... I would wait til you actually had a job ... if they like you it could be one of the issues that come with the parcel .. of "you" ... the mods maybe able to show links re other posts on this topic ... there have been many outcomes .... it works for some ... been disastrous for others.

Good Luck in interview

[Jasper]

Thanks Appleblossom 🙂

[Mazarita]

Hi @Jasper,

Just popping my head in to give you a link to another discussion where the topic of telling bosses about mental illness is raised. Also, I've recently been through some med changes and understand how hard it would be to be trialling them all year. I hope that is sorted out for you very soon. Best wishes.

[Jasper]

Thank you. It's a mental health organisation and so I'm reasonably sure that they won't judge me for having a mental illness. I'm just not sure how well I can do the job, but I want them to think of me for future positions. So I'm still determined to do the interview. I just wish I was well enough because this job is perfect for me and I can't believe I'm going to miss out because my medication still isn't right. My mental health has taken so much from me from 7 - 27 years old and I am so sad that it will take this from me too.

[Appleblossom]

Maybe things will settle in time and making the contact is a good first step regardless of the direct outcome of the interview

I am not a great tennis fan .. but Andre Agassi .. used to say he just executed each shot as well as he could ... he couldnt worry if he was ahead or behind ... but just do his best

Good Luck

[Jasper]

It now looks like I will be diagnosed as OCD, even though I don't do the excessive cleaning thing. I can't control my obsessive thoughts about death and I have constant worries that something bad will happen. Ever since I was a small child I've had these intrusive thoughts and worries, and I have a fascination with certain numbers. It's strange how you can go for years thinking one thing about your illness and then suddenly find information about a separate diagnosis that makes more sense. My father also gets fixated on certainly things and can't let things go. It makes it very difficult to practice mindfulness and relaxation. I see my Psych again in a couple of weeks. I guess we'll have an interesting discussion about diagnosis and treatment. In the meantime, I am applying for jobs that have low responsibility and stress, and I have had to increase the old medication again (the one that made me gain 40kg in 9 years). I have a love-hate relationship with this medication. I know that if I increase it then life will seem more manageable, but I am overwhelmed with grief for what could have been with my weight loss plan.

[Jasper]

Just to update. I'm still looking for work. I went for an interview for a mental health job 2 months ago and it went so well that I was sent for a medical and I had to put some paperwork in for police clearance. I got a call from the police clearance people to clarify my old name and gender and since that I haven't heard from the workplace at all, not even when I left a message 3 weeks ago. It's disheartening to say the least. Although I have applied for at least 8 more jobs since that interview, I am concerned that my Transgender status has been identified as problematic. This is illegal, of course, but it happens more often than we like to think. I was honest in the interview, about both my lived experience and my Trans status (because it would have come out anyway with the police clearance questions), but that didn't seem to put them off at the time. This workplace has, since my interview, interviewed and hired other people less qualified/experienced than myself.

😞

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Jasper Sorry to hear that you went through that experience in the workplace. Maybe one person with influence made the decision if you were up front and well received in the interview.

You are right stigma does still exist and you shouldnt be discriminated against.  I still find I deal with it as I am not a typical woman, from people who ought to know better, but I am finding some things are hard to change.

However with the help of this forum and a growing sense of conviction that it will only get worse if I am quiet I am learning to be more assertive.

I dont know that this would mean taking the employer to court, but at least keep believing in your rights and your capacity. If it would help to make a land mark case, you would need to be in a strong place mentally and I dont know what support you have in the community.