Lived Experience Forum

[Blitter2016]

Once you can accept, twice, that is incredibly hard to accept.

Divorce.

I have bipolar. I could go into my entire life story, but it would take too long and bore the pants of anyone with an eyeball. Suffice to say I lost my first wife when she became bored with me and got a career and left me behind with my illness, that was a marriage of 9 years. I have just lost my second marriage of 14 years to a woman who was very ill and now after the split has told me that she married me because she thought she was going to die anyways so had nothing to lose.

Out of those two marriages I have three children. One wants nothing to do with me, one has hardly anything to do with me, and one is still trying to process as I am as the second marriage is still in the court system.

I am in my mid 40's. Diagnosed nearly 20 years ago.Had a complete breakdown near 3 years ago and have never recovered. I do not take illegal drugs, drink and am medicinally complaint. The reasons for the divorce I disagree with and do not see myself as the person she told me I am. My brain is still trying to work out what is the truth.

My life is an embarresment and a mess. It is only a therapist and my parents, knowing it would hurt them that has managed to keep me alive during this divorce as I had always promised that I would not allow myself to go through this kind of pain again. Even now I am very much not sure I made the right decision. Today I am breathing. However having lost everything, house, wife, child, business etc, I am struggling with why to bother getting up in the morning. Struggling with knowing what to do with my day. What to do with my life. I do have a belief in God, and I do have my dog with me. I have huge issues with crowds and people and situations where I cannot escape immediately if required. My dog is a comfort dog and she allows me to do things I otherwise would not be able.

My reason for posting? I am not getting married again. I am a very emotional person and have made a lot of mistakes in the past due to well call it bipolar or call it mania or call it just being an idiot, but whilst never actually cheating on my wives, I have if that makes any sense. Before and after and in the middle of being marriage I was totally out of control. I am 6 weeks seperated and feeling very much out of control and fighting to find reasons why to keep everything and anything together. My main reason would be my belief in God followed simply by not wanting to inflict myself or damage to another human being. I feel old and tired. My life feels over. Divorced twice, lost my business three years ago, children are gone. These are all things you are supposed to be dealing with in your 60's not your 40's. Where does life go from here. Whats the point?

How do I get my head around being single again? How do I find contentment being single? Has anyone else decided that due to their bipolar that they will never marry or marry again. Has it worked?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Blitter2016

I'm sorry to hear of how much loss you have endured. I think there is a huge grieving process involved in any seperation no matter the circumstances. I am seperated and never plan to partner again... the divorce is still not final and my reasons for seperating were to do with domestic violence. my ex still finds ways to hurt me with words etc and im slowly learning to just ignore and try and be the bigger person for the sake of our kids (who are young). 

I'm glad you've found the forums, i hope that you find some support and company here as i've found the lonliness with being on my own and no other family support to be very difficult to manage. i dont like busy crowded places either so its difficult to want to get out and about at times. but here, its safe and comfortable i guess.

take care,

LJ

[MoonGal]

Hello @Blitter2016, you have been through a lot and I can read with all that you have written that you seem to be bouncing between "her fault' my fault. Sometimes in life everyone just does the best they can and sometimes that isn;t all that 'best' really.

You have lost so much maybe the things that anchored you to the planet - and I am glad to hear of your darling dog. Our relationships with our dogs are very sepecial, they don;t judge us! and that tail wag when they see us is genuine, which is nice.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and maybe all the past can;t be 'made sense of" maybe it is a matter of accepting it happened and looking to what is next? What motivates other people to do what they do is prety opaque, and comments said in anger or bitterness may nopt be the ruth or only part of the truth, and is only the other person's opinion really.

I hope you find some good camraderie here on the forums.

[Blitter2016]

And I think that is what I am coming to realize. I got the court paperwork yesterday. I think I have spent so long trying to make work what is in the past now, that I am now forced to look to what is in front and in my future. I think it is as much about the loss as it is being scared of the future and facing it alone.

[Appleblossom]

Glad you are still posting @Blitter2016.

I went through a bitter divorce 15 years ago.  I am not determined to be single, but decided not to look while my son was still a minor, due to the complexities at the time of my one and only marriage.  I am more open to repartner, but not really looking, hoping that something will evolve in a natural way rather than due to a hunt.  The odds that a suitable partner will come along are low ... so I also am working on getting a life I value.  It is getting better for me.  I hope it gets better for you too ..  divorce is heart rending.  Take one logical step at a time and I hope your children value you. 

[Blitter2016]

Does anyone have advice on how to handle the situation with my daughter. The reason I ask is that both my children from my first marriage, well one of them was 3 1/2 the other 1 1/2. The older of the two has only started to contact  after 3 years. He lived with my new wife and I for seven years. We have contact but it is not much more than that, the lines of communication are open, but rarely used. My younger son he has not talked to in near 4 years, neither have I seen him although both live with their mum now and both are over 18. I think I did a lot of damage, not by running her down, but by trying to make them live by my standards when during extended visitations. I also think a lot of damage was done due to the immence pain I felt during their visits and trying to control that for an extended period of time, usually I had them for two or three weeks, I could never hold it together that long and they would see the ugly side of bipolar. So between the bipolar and the tug of war, even though I tried to prevent it, did damage.

This time again, my wife has taken my daughter and most assets. Meh to the assets. But with my daughter, this time I have said she be raised however her mum see fit. I have religious beliefs whereas she no longer has, probably part of the breakdown of our marriage. I do not want in anyway to impose or pull my daughter or offer my opinions for fear of pulling her both ways. She has already exhibited behavior where she will try and please us both though acting totally different to each parent. I don't want her to feel like that and so have conveyed that both to her and her mum. That it is up to her how she acts and what she does and that I will love her no matter what.

What is others experience. I know a daughter needs a father figure, but I cannot be that figure without being myself. And I have now different standards and values to her mum due to religious and other issues/goals in life. For instance, the pursuit of money and career, vs love and being content. Advice. I am trying this time to do totally the opposite to try and attain a better outcome...

Thank you for eveyone that has posted in return. Your kind thoughts and comments and experiences are very appreciated. It is such a painful thing to go through, and fits the saying that some wounds never heal they just stop weeping red. As far as I am concerned, the future is the only way to look. Baby steps. Getting through today is far enough to look...lol..

[Kurra]

Hi @Blitter2016

You mentioned that your daughter tailors her behaviour to the parent she is with at the time.
Personally I believe that it's very important for you to be yourself at all times including when you are with your daughter as this is less likely to impact negatively on her. She will also appreciate, consciously or sub consciously, your real personality.

Our world is made up of people with extremely diverse personalities, beliefs, values and principles. It is important for our children to learn about these differences so that in time they can learn or decide to reject or accept different ways of living. I believe this helps to develop a well rounded adult.

It goes without saying that this type of approach will also be beneficial for your bipolar which I think may be less stable because of the additional stressors you are placing on yourself.

I'm more than happy to discuss this with you in more detail if you wish.
Hugzzz 🎶

[atruelove2005]

Divorce is quite common nowadays, and while it can be difficult to parties going through it, there is a social stigma surrounding it. When that happens, divorced couples have been reported to feel shame, isolated and even depressed. There's nothing wrong with divorce - if two people can't make their marriage work and it is no longer worth it, then it's better to let go.

No matter whose fault it was or what circumstance brought the marriage to an end, there are many reasons why you should not be ashamed about your divorce:

Remember Why You Divorced in the First Place

Outsiders not involved in the marriage should remain where they are: outside. Regardless of what people will inevitably say of your failed marriage, the crucial thing to remember is the reasons why the union resulted in divorce. No matter what the reasons are: abusive partner, infidelity, money, unrealistic expectations, etc., you are in the right for separating with them.

1. Divorce is Not a Failure; Marriage is Not Always the Best

 A failed marriage does not mean you're a failure in life and everything. Humans experience failures at the time. Some experience it with jobs, in school, finance, and some in relationships. Instead of mulling over the negatives, think of divorce as a sort of a fresh start.

While marriages that end in divorce is always a sign that your romantic relationship with your partner is over, it doesn't mean it has to end forever. This is especially useful when children are involved. Assuming that you’re both are co-parenting - it can be hard if the two of you are not actively participating.

1. Yours are Neither the First Nor the Last Divorce Case

 When you talk with a group of people your age, it is highly likely that a handful of them are divorced or are going through it. You'd be surprised by how many people lead exciting lives after their divorce. This confirms that divorce is not a failure and that everyone going through it should embrace their fresh new start in order to attract new things in their lives.

Do you have any opinions about why divorcees shouldn’t be ashamed of their failed marriages? Let’s talk about it in this thread. I really want to know what you have to say.

[Blitter2016]

Wow, its hard to believe that over two years had passed since my original post. It's only because i recieved an email saying someone else had posted that i decided to return and update my story. So, what have I learned,?

For a start, I never truly realized how much work I was to live with. I am extremely withdrawn,  antisocial and paranoid. Quite a few of the things my wife said about me are true,  I refused or couldn't see how bad they were.  Now, living on my own, I realize just how small my world truly is.

I've not stopped fighting,  and still take responsibility for my bipolar.  I guess I've figured out that I probably played a large part in the emotional disconnection from my wife than I first thought,  a trait that I still fight with friend and family alike.  My walls are taller,  bit I still let people in, still trust to quick, leave my heart on my sleeve.

My tools are stronger, better. DBT helped a lot. That taught me that for whatever reason the marriage broke,  she still chose, yes, chose,  to leave. Everyone has that right and you cannot resent them for that.  People either walk beside you in life and respect you or they walk away.  You don't cling to people, you take the journey, their journey,  or journey together.  But ultimately,  life is yours and yours alone.  I relied too much on her.  Again, something she had told me.

Ive moved on,  my bipolar is more stable, not my life is probably less stable than it was.  I have no direction, find no joy in life,  yet death provides no challenge nor hope of reward. They say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I disagree. Mental illness is a permanent problem, but suicide isn't the solution,  because the question isn't how to stop the pain, it's how to remove it. Removing it,  yes,  that is a long and up and down process,  a daily struggle.  there are days, like today  where i stood on the edge of a cliff and looked at my dog,  and wondered who would look after her.  that was enough to ground me.  five minutes of patting her and the pain had subsided. 

No one has the answers.  The only answer to any question though lay on finding the answer.  Not giving up. How I wish it were that easy.

Two years my life is not much better.  I've travelled, ive been hospitalized, I've acted on suicidal thoughts.  But I'm still here. Today I played with an Alpaca. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Just like my mood, I won't know until I wake up.

And we try again.

To the person who posted today....I wish you and your ex all the best.  That's another thing ive learned,  you don't know where the help, the support, the friends will come from.  so would have thought you would be back with your former partner.  We just don't know,  which is why we're keep trying.

[Appleblossom]

"Playing with an Alpaca" sounds good.  @Blitter2016

I am not sure who posted, but I read @atruelove2005 's post for the fist time, now, and wish I had seen it and had responded.

Sometimes things do just fall by the wayside.