Lived Experience Forum

[Ulysses]

Hi, 

Im new to the forum and newly diagnosed 20 year old female. Depression, anxiety & disordered eating. Ive had self esteem issues since i was in primary school. I always felt like i was the odd one out because i was over weight. I was bullied, by people whom i had never spoken to before. I still to this day can't figure out why they chose to bully me.. I used food as comfort. I would tell myself i wouldnt eat dinner, i wanted to be thin, thats all i ever wanted. But by the next day i was comfort eating again.. I didn't starting loosing weight until grade 11, I lost 23 kgs by the time i turned 20, i was thin and still not happy. In that time i went through an emotionally manipulative relationship with someone who had a weed adiction. That one and a half years with him i had never felt so alone. Why did i stay? Because i didnt think was worth anything else. After i had finally stopped seeing him after many phone calls of abuse and piles of guilt put onto me about a termination i went through with him, I become obssessed with food and exercise. Its all i ever thought about, new relationships suffered. Years and years of self hate came crashing down on me a few months ago when my disordered eating had became worse and i started to gain back weight. I have gone from one extreme to the next, in the last few years. I haven't eaten at all, to eating waaay to much. My relationship with food isn't a healthy one to say the least. I saw my doctor finally, and saidthings out loud that i had only ever thought to myself. Years and years of negative thoughts i had bottled up. I think about suicide everyday, especially at night when everything just stops. Lately i've had alot of trouble sleeping and my mood swings are noticable.. My 3rd pyshcologist i saw mentioned biploar disorder. It makes a few things make more sense to me.. I ask anyone with bipolar to tell me their stories! Im still so confused, it could be just that. But ive done things lately that i would have never done a year ago.. I dont know who i am! 

[Drewbola]

Sorry to read your confusion if you don t mind I will happily share my confusion with you
I found out I was bipolar after being married happily faithful for 9 years late 20's
My weight had started to fluctuated from 120 kg down to to 65 kg with depression nothing unusual for me to be different weight all the time but this time I sought out a GP who prescribed anti depressants which I took but unknowingly never returned to the GP for follow up or booked any PSyc appointments and no one chased me about it
my career was in full swing i ended up not sleeping for days on end working to excess kicking goals at work so confident and then suddenly over weeks ended up suicidal and couldn't function
I was self admitted to a public hospital mental health ward stayed involuntarily for 6 weeks ended up sedated in a room after an outburst I couldn't see a problem with
Left with a community mental health contact and scripts for meds the health contact barely spoke English and I could express my thoughts to him and I never returned
8 years my ex attempted to cope with me eventually now divorced I live Alone and have had to learn to deal with myself I work for myself which helps and I learn what triggers me occasionally see a GP for anti anxiety, I try and have a balanced diet and exercise have daily plans but stress disables me I always turn to recreational drugs when like that So I make poor choices at times just not affecting anyone but me anymore

[Mazarita]

Hi @Ulysses and @Drewbola.

My story is: I'm in my 50s and have been treated for bipolar since 2008. Before that it was 18 years of treatment for anxiety and depression. I have found most help when fairly regularly seeing a psychiatrist. The main features of my illness have been enduring depression and anxiety, but I have also had one very long hypermanic episode (5 years) when I became a sex addict (to the degree I could hardly even talk about anything else). Over recent years I've been struggling more with depression and anxiety but am now improving again, this time with a bigger focus on getting into regular routines with sleep and daily living.

I take three medications to treat my bipolar and feel these have helped, especially in my relationship which was really suffering several years ago due to verbally abusive outbursts on my part. At the same time, there are often complicating factors with medications. Side effects can include weight gain, which has happened in my case with one of my meds. But I feel this has been worth the benefits in taking them. I'm trying to deal with the weight with more exercise and have recently again started losing a little.

For me bipolar is an ongoing journey but I am in a much more peaceful place with it now than I was when younger.

[Drewbola]

Mazarita
Good to read your story I can relate to the of depression and anxiety with my bipolar and the mania and sex addict bit wow
When in manic my sex drive is through the roof then I go long periods where I don't feel or think like it at all
I find it very hard to be in a relationship because of that, it just continually makes my partners feel unwanted when I'm depressed and insecure when I'm not so single feels better Atm
i have learnt over the years with this the reality is embarrassing the adventure at times is exhilarating and debilitating

[Mazarita]

Good to read your stories too. 🙂

@Drewbola I think it was being prescribed an anti-depressant on its own that triggered my 5 year sex rampage but I was always having trouble in relationships before that with similar urges. Luckily this has been under wraps for about 13 years now. When depressed I probably do still make my partner feel unwanted in some ways but he wants to stay with me anyway and I've never been unfaithful to him. I can understand why you choose to be alone at this time though. I was 40 before I found this stable relationship. 

I know what you mean about the highs being both exhilarating and debilitating. I am aiming for the middle path as much as I can these days.

[Drewbola]

I think anti depressants worked for my depression but Crap no good when I'm not all of a sudden I just couldn't see it in myself and I rolled with it destroying my marriage and friendships it's been really hard on everyone around me so being on my own better for now and less of a emotional stress dealing with it better now learning me so hopefully one day I can be more in the middle

[Mazarita]

@Drewbola It seems good that you take responsibility for what has happened in your relationships and that you are working on you for now. When I say I aim for the middle, 'aim' is the key word. 

[Drewbola]

Aim is the key word and thanks Mazarira
I'm aiming
the drive to be middle powered by the feelings of despair and self loathing that comes from those mistakes and the isolation It brings on myself

[Mazarita]

@Drewbola. Aim is the key word for me because I am still an extreme person in some ways, maybe not as obvious as it once was, but still there. I relate too to feelings of shame and self loathing from mistakes made. I understand the challenge of forgiving ourselves for mistakes made. These days I'm trying to also be gentle on myself in working through my mental health issues over time.

[Ulysses]

Thank you for your responses! Defiantly gives me a little more insight into the disorder. When I was on antidepressants my suicidal thoughs came with me everywhere I missed 3 days of work in a row! No sex drive at all.. Now I'm off them my sex drive is also through the roof but I feel I'm more attracted to women! I've never been with a woman in my life! I'm taking everyday as it comes.. I guess more psych appointments will help me figure this all out.