Lived Experience Forum

[Astrid1]

How do you cope with shame?

I've been fighting this losing battle for 40 years and I'm exhausted.

I've made peace with my family, especially my mother.

I've even made peace with the terrible trauma that occured when I was 12 yrs old.

But I cant make peace with myself, this constant feeling of shame follows me everywhere. Its like part of my shadow is trying to consume me.

I feel shame for being me, unable to cope with stress, work, relationships with men. I seem to fail at everything I do because I cant regulate my emotions. I just expect failure and I truely dont believe that good things will ever happen for me.

[Sorry]

Hi Astrid,

it's so weird to read your post today, just hours after I've been formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and within minutes of finding this forum.

i don't have any answers for you, but I can relate. It's horrible, and very painful. *hugs*

[BlueBay]

Hi @Astrid1
I hear you and I understand. Making peace with your family is fantastic. Good on you. But I understand how difficult it is to make peace with yourself. I'm in the same boat. Are you doing any therapy?

[Appleblossom]

It has taken a long time for me to make peace with myself. I am still not totally comfortable in my skin but working on it.

Take care

[Former-Member]

Hello Astrid,

You have been fighting a battle for 40 years and haven't given up - that takes strength - feel proud of yourself

You have made peace with your family, especially your mother - that takes integrity  - feel proud of who you are

You have made peace with trauma experienced at 12 - that takes courage and resilience  - feel proud of you

You have achieved milestones right there - be proud of these achievements and pat yourself on the back. 

Sometimes we can be our own worst critics which robs us of inner peace - look for the good in your life and what you do achieve rather than your shortcomings (we all have them) and leave shame behind by acknowledging that we all have our differing human limitations and accept them. Focus on the achievements however small and feel proud of them. Thats how we overcome shame. All any of us can give life is our best shot.

To make peace within ourselves we need to acknowledge that all we as humans can do is our best - and "that is enough". Learning "to accept ourselves as we are presently with our all human limitations" - and to work on that one day at a time. We only fail if we give up.

To make peace with ourselves we need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make - as that is how we learn. It's about not giving up and when we don't we find a will that finds a way to make our lives better where good things can happen. That's the balance. We just need to believe it so we can start to move towards it; start to believe in ourselves.

Hold onto hope Astrid as the best in life lyes before you - believe in the good in you.

[Former-Member]

Hi,

I'd like to offer my few words, though admittedly it's easier said than done to establish this mindset.

Basically, no one's opinion of yourself is more valuable than your own.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has uninformed uneducated opinions.

So why should some undeserving, unknowing persons opinion matter more than your own opinion of yourself?.

People are a lot more self absorbed than we usually think. Even if they are mean or abusive at certain stages, more often than not, they have forgotten about you by the time they disappear around the corner.

Because in the end, everyone is human and makes mistakes or is messed up, so wear it openly, it's your personal badge of honor, because worrying about what other people think and the mental stress you do to yourself regarding that, is always far more damaging than any mistakes or issues you might make that will most likely be forgotten in a short time.

In short people don't care ( long term) as much as you might think they do.

All the best.

[Former-Member]

FORGIVING YOURSELF? This is a hard one. Took me decades to find something more than 'grace' that helps. Let me ask - Would you hold the same thing against your best friend? How would you show your friend you forgive them? Can you be your own best friend?

It never occurred to me to have a 'relationship' with myself. All this talk about affirmations & internal dialogue these days, if that's not relating to yourself & finding peace within, what is.

At a therapy session a couple of years back, it was pointed out to me that the way we treat ourself is often the way we treat others. Are you kind to yourself? Are you intolerant of others deep down?
Also, given my extreme emotional distress at the time my counsellor researched & felt SELF COMPASSION THERAPY would be helpful. It took me a long while to teach myself what it meant. Loving yourself is not vanity, its about self care, self respect, healing and growth. I prefer to use the word compassion instead of love. Two authors have helped myself understand self'-Compassion: LOUISE HAY + RUSS HARRIS. Currently reading Russ' book "Reality Slap" which has amazing exercises. We have to learn to - be kind with ourself. Beating ourself up over something we can't change is self abuse. It took me decades to realise most of my life pain was in fact self inflicted. Continuing the abuse inflicted on me over & over again ever since.Enough! You are worth way more than what they caused you to believe.

Not long ago i found a post along these lines that also changed my perspective: " IF YOU HAVE A LOW OPINION OF YOUR LIFE, THE WORLD WILL NOT RAISE THE VALUE"

I

[Former-Member]

Hi @Astrid1

Hope all is going well with you. Sending hugs your way 🙂

[BlueBay]

Hi @Jennifer64

thanks for sharing.  it's interesting about the zinc deficiency.  i am going to get my levels checked.

I have done the DBT group and individual therapy - but am still struggling.  I am glad you found a great therapist that helped you so much. That's fantastic.

[Jennifer64]

Hi SadGirl - Thanks for the reply.  Yes it is amazing what a lack of zinc (or no zinc in my case) can do to your moods: makes you erratic and all over the shop!  Definitely go get urself checked out and go and find out about mindfulness too - I really rate this for reducing an anxiety attack from a '10' to a 1 in less than a minute and from clearing your mind of horrible thoughts in no time flat.  I do so hope that you feel loads better ASAP.  Cheers