Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jane9]

I've had enough of my partner's overprotective sister and friends. It affects our defacto relationship of 3 years.

We have our ups and downs like a lot of couples and actually there have been a number of downs with her negative and often extremely angry/ blaming moods behind closed doors. To everyone else she's a delightful charmer. It gets me down. At times I've been a wreck but now am ok.

She's been diagnosed with bipolar and takes a bucket load of meds but through good management with her psychiatrist has held a good job for a long time and also helps others through business mentoring and volunteering. She's a capable engaged woman and I've been impressed by her skills.

I've always taken the line that we are equals and need to support each other until it's tipped with a crisis of sorts. When I was hospitalized recently for surgery she was an amazing nurse maid afterwards. I'd be prepared to do the same for her if she is ever rehospitalised with another psychotic episode. Luckily this hasn't happened yet in our relationship.

When we have problems (and she tells everyone including her beautician), her friends and sister rally around her and worry that she might spiral down and be hospitalized. After all, they were there the past 2 times, long before I came on the scene, and they were great. She calls them family.

But we are in our late 40s and I want to feel more in control of my relationship, not have a bunch of women looking out for signs of a collapse or a sister always asking me how she is when I see her, as if my partner is a child. It's never about how we are or I am and I live with her daily unpredictable moods. Once it was her sister who copped it but now I'm around and after a few years of stress, things are quite stable as she responds well to my boundary setting when I am feeling confidant enough to do that. My friends tell me that she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and not use bipolar as am excuse for bouts of control or nastiness at times. Her friends act like she needs cajoling when they occassionally see her lose it with other people like her nephew, instead of standing up to her out of line behaviour.

It's hard enough supporting someone with a major mental illness and managing my reactions to bad behaviour without the added pressure of people thinking I'm not doing a good enough job or might even be inciting a potential problem. All I know though is that my partner says she wants me to treat her like an equal and have expectations of her as I would with any other partner. She responds well to limit setting (quite frankly her moods are so shiftable it seems more like borderline personality disorder than classic bipolar, I suppose they're related) and she is committed to our relationship. But,
I feel like she's living like a 20 something and I feel like a handbag to her singles overprotective gal pal gang.I suppose with time things might change but at the moment she has given her sister and best friend power of attorney in case she's hospitalized again and not me. How can I be a partner carer in that situation ?

Any thoughts or common situations?

[pip]

@Jane9. It sounds as though she's has incredible support and someone's always been there, so 'letting go' so someone else can 'take over' is not as easy as it sounds. You've only been together 3 years and her support team have been holding her hand through all her up's and downs etc. I would think that as they get more used to you being there, they will eventually accept that you are in for the 'long haul'. I don't think they think you're not doing a good job. It's just that when someone has cared for another person with a MI, and someone else appears on the scene, handing the reins over is not easy. It's like when you hire a baby-sitter, the first few times, you leave the baby, mum tells the sitter 23 times where she can be contacted in an emergency. Once the sitter 'proves' themselves, mum relaxes and leaves baby quite happily. Once, also your gf accepts you do love her, she may appoint you as POA. Families often cajole and try to defend someone's inappropriate behaviour, because they just see it is part of her illness. Families will make excuses frequently rather than accept that some behaviour is unacceptable. Even if gf drops one POA, she will still need two, hopefully, you and her sister will then be her POA's. My ex MIL treated me abominably, my ex (her son and her hubby) told me frequently to ignore. It was really hard as a lot of what she said WAS inappropriate. She has dementia, I left her son a year ago, feel sorry for the family, but no way am I going back to more abuse and put downs from ex hubby and FIL.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Jane9

Relationships are difficult in general yet alone when you have mental health difficulties involved, you have been together for a little while now though and it sounds like you have been through a lot even though it has not gotten to the stage of hospitalisation but it is emotionally challenging for both of you.

You said that she has asked you to treat her like an equal, have you told her how uncomfortable it makes you when she speaks to her hairdresser and others about challenges you have in your relationship? 

the power of attorney (in my mind) is seperate / a big decision, this person can ultimately decide your life and death if the absolute worst were to happen, something that is usually given to parents (if that is a positive relationship) is this aspect of it more indicative of a developing relationship? a place you will go to in the future? perhaps just another thing to speak to her about, what was her thought process when deciding? 

there are some good suggestions on @Dominoes thread here about different organisations that could potentially provide relationship counselling if you are open to it? and @Tiggeroo shares here about their partners bipolar diagnosis so things can get easier for you both

how do others read this? thoughts?

[Jane9]

Pip, that is such great and sensible advice that I will take on board. If makes sense. I've probably been oversensitive about their involvement with some old fashioned ideas around what it means to 'leave (the family) and cleave (to partner)'. I feel more relaxed hearing your take on things. And as for had behaviour, that's one area I'll keep standing up to. Thanks very much and good luck with your new situation

[Jane9]

Thanks fancy pants. We go to relationship counselling now (though We'd had a break when I posted) and it helps enormously to unpack the issues with a third person. Thanks very much for the suggestion .

[Tiggeroo]

Heya @Jane9,

I completely understand your comments about other asking after your partner like they are a child, i get this from my partner's (29,m,bipolar) family all the time. One day, I myself was having a rough spot after a few cyclonic days with my partners moods and when his mum said to me "Hows he doing today?" i responded (probably out of line) with, "I dont know, why dont you ask him he is an adult and understands english, I however am tired and a little frazzeled from the last few days, thanks for asking", since then she will ask my partner directly how he is and also ask me how I am, it is only if she is concerned about him she will ask me where i think he is at. (I am not suggesting this will work for you... really, it was a horrible way to handle it, luckily for me it had the desired result but it could have gone terribly!). But the concept may work with a more polite delivery, can you speak to the sister and just express that you think your partner is capable or expressing her feelings herself?

My partner too is a very different person at home, versus when he needs to see other people (family, work). It makes it challenging as no one really gets whats going on as every time they see your partner, they see the charming and stable mask. Having a forum like this helps as there are plenty of people who will understand and have probably lived it themselves! I found going to counselling on my own to "vent" and discuss strategies to deal with the more challenging behaviours put forward by my partner was also really helpful. i saw a different psych to the one we saw together and he saw on his own, so we also got to explore a broader range of strategies if something wasnt working. 

Keep up with the couples couselling, it really helps! My partner and I now have a fairly stable and very honest and trusting relationship. He knows he can tell me how he is feeling and I will do what I can to ensure his emotional wellbeing, in return, when i need support, he is now capable of being there for me. It has taken many years but we are now in a good place. You can definately reach this place too with good, honest and open communication. 

xx

Tigs

[Jane9]

It's great to hear that someone else knows exactly what I'm talking about . It's a great forum.. It's so obvious I dont know why I didn't think about it before. I will next just invite my sis in common law to ask my partner directly how she is. So simple. She's a good person and used to be the primary carer who now gets a bit of breathing space. She also used to ask me how I was early on until I started not coping so well and my relationship wirh my partner became a bit tenuous. Now she's rightly a bit more worried about my partner, worried that we could break up I suppose. I am also in individual counselling which helped enormously to name bad behaviour for what it is and set limits. I can see that we could work out in the future but it's do exhausting dealing with all this that I just crave space and a place to call my own. It's hard to stay on top of things and not let my own mental health slide.

[Tiggeroo]

@Jane9 it can be really hard to keep ourselves afloat, sometimes seemingly obvious solutions escape us... trust me i have been there too!

Besides going to your own psych do you do anything just for you? 

I play basketball as it is both a physical and emotional outlet (if i am having a rough week my team know becasue i can be a little aggressive on the court haha). The added bonus of this is I now have a team of people who know me just for me, my partner only comes to my games for finals so for the most part, it is exclusively my thing, a few hours a week when i am not anyones carer, im just me! Sometimes on hard days too, i like to take myself for coffee, just me, my book and a local cafe... even 20 minutes of me time can be really resfrehing! 

Perhaps this is a new limit you could discuss with your partner, and from the persepctive that you cannot support someone else if you are not able to care for yourself. My partner responds well to that approach when i need to take myself for coffee, i just say to him "I know you are having a tough time, and i want to help you, but to do that i need to help me first, just give me x time, and then im here for you". 

And dont feel if you need a little extra help that you are in any way being defeated. There have been times when i too have taken anti-depressants just to keep me going in the really hard times. I dont take them now but trust me, the script is in my top drawer just in case, and it probably always will be.

xx

Tigs