Lived Experience Forum

[BPD3]

Hi all, I’m new and mum to an 18 year old son whom presents with symptoms of BPD ..

My son was diagnosed with ALL ( Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia ),in 2010 just before his 7th birthday and as his mother and being there every day, I have witnessed so many changes to his once quiet but happy disposition.

During treatment he was very sick, had times of intense treatments which caused severe weight loss, loss of hair, bodily function , fatigue, memory loss and impaired cognitive  function,.

I noticed a slow progression of sadness, anxiety and worry.

There were times of joy but he seemed to very easily go to a dark place emotionally.

In 2011 my son was referred to CYMHS ( Child & Youth Mental Health Services ) where he was counselled for suicidal ideations, anxiety and mood swings.

Since 2011, he has progressed with the above, many times threatening his life , talk of suicide, self harm, sadness, depression and anger outbursts and damage to property and in physical altercations with his brother ( ages 13-16 ) .

His emotions are incredibly intense, often from feeling ok one minute and then the extreme opposite the next all emotions interchanging throughout the day.

He is currently in a relationship albeit all online and via phone, and prior to that he was in only one other relationship also online and via phone.

Both relationships he had were intense, the phone he had was and is currently, always tuned in to his girlfriend 24/7 even running on live video chat throughout the night so that they can watch eachother.

My son puts so much time and effort into his relationship, more than anything and if things are ok that’s great, but if he feels betrayed or thinks there is mistrust or even if the girlfriend doesn’t text him back within a small time frame or mutes her phone, he spirals out of control emotionally where he can not function with anything else but solely on what the problem is, often crying, locking himself in bathroom, under the covers of his bed, self harming, talking of giving up and suicide, he say’s his mind just won’t stop, the thought processors are unrelenting , he feels worthless, completely lost, not knowing what to believe, what is real, what is truth,…very destructive and it’s so heartbreaking to witness.

Before having girlfriends, he went through a stage of constantly worrying about me, and when I had to go out , it caused him such stress and worry that he would either have to come with me or I’d just not go, He was constantly afraid of me being harmed or dying.

Often times he will call for me to try and rectify issues with his girlfriend,to try to explain to his girlfriend what he feels, thinks, generally his perspective,…he really struggles to verbalise and make sense of any communication when under emotional stress, all thought processes are mangled and can leave him vacant.

As mentioned earlier, he mostly internalises his intense feelings and so self harms, crys and wants to just end his life, but sometimes out of frustration he can lash out and has caused property damage.

I am grateful that he will often be extremely open with me and tell me what he’s feeling and why and what caused it and I listen and acknowledge his feelings as they are so valid because he is truly experiencing these thoughts and emotions.

My son is also very, very softly spoken and quiet, he is introverted in character and prefers one special friend and online communication and gaming, though he has gone to friends houses and stayed the night or gone camping, but now he is mostly preoccupied with his girlfriend.

He does not like social situations and rarely goes out and most definitely will not venture out on his own, but I have only really noticed this in the last 2 years, as before he would go to friends homes, out on his bike with mates , shopping with me, but yeah,…never on his own , not even to the shop around the corner.

During childcare he would often speak of being picked on and after an incident of neglect where he had been knocked in the head resulting in a huge lump, I pulled him out of childcare. Through most of his primary and secondary schooling he was bullied, even as recently as 2019 where he had also been bullied  by a teacher.

He has expressed to me that when he was younger he had visions of shadow people and that he heard voices but that he doesn’t have this any more, though he does battle thoughts , but mostly of hating himself and feeling inferior or not good enough and trying to make sense of things and what’s truth in any matter , he has always been a deep thinker, thinking outside the box.

When he feels that he is being pressured into something he is not comfortable with or that gives him high anxiety he has resorted into threatening himself by trying to seriously harm or take his life  and displays extremely anxious emotions and desperation .

I have come home to find him hiding under our house ( age 16 ) fast asleep after crying, I have come home to find him in fetal position in absolute tears and certain implements  embedded in the wall,

I have been alarmed at the sound of glass breaking to find he had smashed out his window in frustration or punched great holes in his wall when upset.

He really struggles with regulating his emotions and they are extremely intense.

He really wants answers and to be diagnosed , to know why ? and how to find resolutions and help.

He was recently told after talking with a psychiatrist that it sounds like he could have BPD as well anxiety.

He does display some OCD in that he must buy things in groups , issues with people touching his utensils, food , worrying about use by dates on food.

He has expressed that he hates being watched by people that it makes him tense and anxious, he is very self conscious in public and will not voluntarily approach anyone nor talk to anyone or ask a question of strangers, ie if he had to ask how to operate something or where something was etc, he would struggle in silence.

Even currently he will always approach me to ask any question he might have for a family member rather than ask himself, but I will try gently to encourage him to approach the individual and ask, but most times he will just say it doesn’t matter and not ask.

It just breaks me emotionally to see my boy suffer like this, I love him so much and want to see him happy and healthy and to flourish and thrive and succeed at what he envisions for himself.

I pray every day never does a day go by where I don’t constantly have him on my mind.

I cry privately most days and in the quiet of my bed at night, I feel so alone in this, I just feel no one understands or wants to acknowledge its seriousness , often coming up with their ” not very informed opinions or suggestions “, based on what they say he needs, his situations are so incredibly complex and I just know it’s going to be a long battle ahead, but he and my other son are my life 100%. I have been through it all and I will to the very end.

[Gwynn]

Hi @BPD3 , that sounds really rough.  Maybe @BPDSurvivor or @Bow might have some further insights to add here, but I do empathise with your son as I had traumatic childhood illness issues too. 

[Anastasia]

Hello @BPD3 and welcome to the forums 🙏💞

I am so sorry for all that you and your son are going through. I'm hoping that you find some solace and advice here. You are definitely not alone x 

P.S please edit your post to remove your son's name sweets just to keep you safe and anonymous x 

Hi @Gwynn 

Tagging some members to say hi 

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @NatureLover @Smc @Determined @HenryX @Judi9877 

[HenryX]

@BPD3

Hello BPD3

Having read your clear and detailed description of life with your two boys, it is really difficult to know what emotions to express. A lot of words come to mind: sadness, empathy, concern, and a very sincere hope that you will find on the forum, support, which the members of the forum, and I will gladly offer to the extent that we can, that will hopefully assist you in the time ahead.

We may be able to discuss and relate to the day to day issues that you face, offer suggestions as appropriate, and maybe, simply listen to your concerns and how you are feeling at any given time. Likewise, you may feel at stages, that you are able to offer insights from your perspective that may help others also.

Needless to say, the forum is a place that respects peoples' anonymity, so that we can talk with each other in ways that we may not feel comfortable talking with family or friends.

With the details that you have been able to describe, it makes it so much easier for others to understand and relate, as much as any other person can, to your situation. Thank you so much for giving us that opportunity.

Your older son has obviously been through very traumatic events and times in his life. And your younger son has needed to play a significant role in your family's structure and environment, and had to cope in his own way with the events, as they have unfolded.

Please remember to talk, also, about how you are feeling, as much as you feel comfortable with. Forum members are aware, from their own experiences, that you need time, space, support and encouragement in order to maintain your capacity to care for, and look after yourself and your boys.

@BPD3 , welcome to the forum. I most sincerely hope that your presence on the forum will allow us the opportunity to offer and share companionship, friendship and nurturing and will give you support on the path ahead.

I look forward to 'talking' with you again in the next day or so. I know also that other members will be here to introduce themselves, and share their ideas with you.

With My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

CC: @Anastasia @Gwynn 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @BPD3 and welcome to the forums 👋

I want to repeat what other forumites have said ..... you are not alone.

I suffered through a ten year decline of my 35 year marriage under the increasing coercive control and emotional abuse of a husband I thought was caught in the grip of an eating disorder ...... and he was ..... but with the support of a counsellor I have had to come to the understanding that he has NPD, and that the eating / exercise disorder and coercive control methods, such as stalking, we're symptomatic of that.  The ten year mark aligned with a massive life change that saw him centre his attention on our home and family, whereas prior to this workaholism was another addiction that drove his energy.

The reason I mention all of this is because our five children were living at home, aged between pre-teen and young adult.  The two older ones progressively married and left home, but the kids were affected - the youngest two much more so than the older ones.  They witnessed more of the abusive behaviours, and came under co-ercive control enough to become trauma-bonded.

I was trying my best, initially to try to understand what was happening to the man who had formally presented as a loving husband and father, thinking that he was struggling to adapt to the loss of such an intense working life and needed support to adapt.  It was only progressively, coercively, that a band of invasive interpersonal control was tightening around us.  Rages, hot and cold, were a primary control mechanism, along with financial manipulations and abuse, swinging between lavishing time, money and attention on us, to sudden, u explained withdrawal of it all ..... hence the trauma-bonding.

At that point I was trying to reach out to the medical professionals, but the two/faced nature of this condition is convincing and disarming? and I was not only disbelieved, but he was presenting me to the doctors, and then counsellors for our children as neurotic, and that he was suffering from spousal abuse.

It is our children I want to talk to you about.  They, to different degrees and presentations, were spiralling down into anxiety and depression.  OCD has made an appearance, along with social anxiety,  Suicidal ideation has affected one of them, but is not ever-present.  For another, much of their life and relationships are online.  Another has been psychosomatic.  

One has a substantial disability, and now that we are divorced under circumstances where my now-ex betrayed us all with another woman and children in the background of our family life, he is vying for parental control of her, with threats to remove her from my care, or even from our family entirely.

I empathise with your situation so much ..... ❣️ While everyone's circumstances are different, and there can be no real comparison, sone things I have learnt are:

Pile on your own self-care to the highest level you can achieve within your circumstances.  This helps to provide some antidote to your pain and suffering.  Counsel yourself to look after yourself as "your own best friend", offering and following the advice you might give a best orient that your were supporting through similar life circumstances.

Set boundaries.  This is very important, so that the boundaries between carer and cared-for don't enmesh and remove your own sense of self.  You matter as much as your son does, and there has to be space and respect for both of you ..... deal yourself a hand of cards at the table because you are a player too, is one way of remembering to factor in self-care.

Invest in some friendships, support groups, interests of your own, so your life doesn't become all about your son.  This is a very positive example for him, to be able to witness how to get up and beyond your circumstances, and usher in positive and nurturing changes wherever and whenever possible.

Welcome again @BPD3 .  I hope something I have said is useful to you, and please know that we are all here walking along with you, listening, caring, and offering support where we can.

[wellwellwellnez]

I think you've come to a pretty good place for resources and support. There's a lot of shared experiences with this kind of co-morbidity and others. I'm, personally mid-diagnosis but self-identifying as a "nervous cluster" individual with some additional "flamboyant cluster" traits. Because of this I came across some research ("Personality Disorders Change over Time" by Daniel J. DeNoon, WebMD, 2002) that was both a comfort and a wake up call.

Apparently, over time flamboyant traits can be really good for recovery. Why? Because one really important thing that the flamboyant cluster has over the nervous and ecccentric clusters is, at least they're putting themselves out there. Because we all essentially need people, even when it's a challenging process. So, the way I'm looking at it, no matter which cluster(s) you are, nurturing healthy flamboyance is the key to social warmth.

Kind of information I wish me (and my poor parents) new a long time ago.

[HenryX]

@BPD3

Hello BPD3

As @Anastasia has mentioned, it is advisable to not include personal names in posts in order to preserve anonymity. We suggest that you use the edit function to change names of family members in posts.

One way to identify the person to whom you are referring is to use abbreviated references, such as S1 and S2, or Son1 and Son2, for sons, C1 for cousin, Sis1 or Sis3 for sisters, etc. You can clarify in your text the persons to whom the abbreviations refer.

A forum function that I would like to guide you with is editing a post or response

Editing:

1. You can edit a message that you have posted, for the purpose of adding, changing or removing information.

2. To do so, go to the top, right corner of your post and select by left-click on    “Post Options”.

3. A drop-down menu appears, with the 1st option being “Edit Post”.

4. Left click on “Edit Post”. An “Edit Message” page will appear, with the message that you can change in the top box, and a copy of your original message in a box below that.

5. Make the changes to your message in the top box.

6. When you have adjusted the message, click on “Post” at the bottom right corner of the edited post.

7. You are likely to be asked to check spelling with the message:

   “Correct the highlighted errors and try again”.

8. Adjust and, or satisfy yourself that the spelling is correct (you may not even need to change any spelling, or correct any errors) and click “Post” again.

9. You will then be presented with a new screen with the message to you stating

   “Success! Your post was edited.”

Your edited page is now complete and back in the date and time order/sequence.

I will add another guide for tagging, or alerting someone that you would like them to see your message, in another post.

After a while, we get so used to doing things a particular way that it is easy to forget that new members are not familiar with the usages on the forum.

You will assist forum members, by asking questions so that areas that are not clear are attended to. Please ask whatever questions about anything of which you are uncertain.

Best Wishes

HenryX

 @bipolarbunny @Snowie  @pipinya @Schitzo

[Shaz51]

hello and welcome @BPD3 , how are you today my friend 

@BPDSurvivor 

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @BPD3 ,

First and foremost, welcome to the forums. I'm so glad you felt brave enough to post.

I can only imagine how you, as a mother, must feel, watching your darling boy fade before youeach day. Do you have any supports in place your yourself, as a carer? I think this is very important in itself.

In terms of your son, does he see there is any issue/problem with how he is? Having been diagnosed with BPD myself, it took a lot for me to acknowledge things were not 'right'  and be ready to make changes. This is the first step, particular as he is now considered an adult. Unless there is by-in from him, it is very hard to help him. That's why self care for yourself is so important.

I hope you find some refuge, solice and support here on the forums. If you have any BPD-related questions, I'd be happy to help.

Ther IS light at the end of the tunnel.

BPDSurvivor