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Herewegoround
Contributor

inconsistent behaviour

New to this space.I am 66 and my 33 year old daughter has just moved back in with me so as to be able to save enough deposit for her own place.She loves me and writes on my Christmas card that I’m the only person in the world she cannot live without.I enjoy her company ,we both love the garden and both have a cat. I love her. Trouble is she can also be hard to live with as Tuesday,on arrival from home after work, she gave me an unexpected hug and there was much talking.Come Wednesday I, in her words was hovering, the air was stiff and she retreated to her room. Interaction with her was not allowed she was busy. This has happened before.I know this has not actually got anything to do with me but it triggers a physical reaction in me and it’s not good. Is it wrong to expect a little conversation a bit of consistency.This about turn in behaviour towards me is like a door being shut in your face and it’s only allowed to open again when she says so. How do I stop the anxiety it cause me ? How do I get to the point where I can just say, here she goes again and just ride the wave until she comes round again. Quite honestly this feels like mental abuse.

35 REPLIES 35

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Hi there @Herewegoround and welcome to the forum 😊

That sounds like it's quite difficult for you, and I'm wondering whether you have any supports in place or someone you can talk to about your feelings? One of the services SANE provides is one to one counselling support. Counsellors are available via phone, web chat or email from 10am to 10pm Monday to Friday AEST/AEDT and the details can be accessed via this link.

I'm also going to tag a few of our members here who may be able to relate to living with and/or caring for someone with a complex mental health condition @Shaz51 @ShiningStar @Judi9877 

 

 

Re: inconsistent behaviour

sending you understanding hugs @Herewegoround 

my husband has Bipolar 2 and other diagnosis and we have ups and downs nearly everyday 

it is hard sometimes and I have cried in the bathroom in the past on my own  @Rhye 

just letting them know that you are there for them 

and sometimes I leave little suggestions and leave it at that until they feel like telling you what is wrong ( it may be a day later ) 

I am still learning to say something or just wait which is hard but it sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise 

so I suggest at those times to have some coping toolbox for yourself to cope during these times 

these are good thread to click on to 

Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) 

Carers Hints and tips to Success 

and if you have any questions or you need a chat , please tag me and @Rhye 

Re: inconsistent behaviour

I have similar feelings with my adult son living at home. @Herewegoround 

 

I have to work hard to manage all the feelings generated regularly by my son, along with digs by others and MH professionals, about whether or not I have done the right or wrong thing letting him move back in.  It took almost a year for me to settle from the sense of trauma I had, and now we are on another merry go round.

 

He thinks he is doing the right thing.

 

Intergenerational respect has not been high on the general agenda for a long time now.  There seems a great deal of confusion about it really, with a great deal of concern with human rights.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

it is a form of mental abuse. Look up narcisscism is thats spelled correctly.. everything is on their terms..  when and how they say and want. Their road, or the highway. She will have had friends come in and out of her life because they cant handle it for any more than a few years. Does she also say things to hurt you on purpose and have no remorse?? thats another big one.

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Hi @Ret73 and welcome to the SANE Forums, 

I can see you have made your first few posts- we hope you find this is a great place to both seek and offer peer support 🙂 

 

I'm hearing that you have a lot of knowledge about narcissism, and the potential impact on behaviour and relationships

 

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Hi @Herewegoround 

 

Reading through your post, I thought I would check in to see how you are going. 

 

How has your home situation with your daughter been the last few days?

 

We are always here to listen if you need someone to chat to Heart

Re: inconsistent behaviour

I have a twin who I believe is a narcissist to the core. I have spoken at length to pyschologists about it and have just accepted it is who she is, and have had to walk away. Unfortunately, in my belief at least, parents dont have the option to just walk away from their kids.. they have to deal with it which can be extremely hard.. and hard to live with that on a daily basis. I just believe once you have kids, you have them for life, you cant just decide its all too hard and walk away. 

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Dear @Herewegoround ,

 

Thank you for posting. I can hear how uncomfortable the current situation poses.

 

Some of what you’ve posted about your daughter really resonated with me in that I believe I acted in a similar fashion to my parents. Was I a narcissist? No, I dont believe so. 

So why did I speak openly some days and shut off the next? Because I was dealing with a lot of internal turmoil. Some days, I really didn’t have the energy to face my parents because putting on a brave face as though everything is ‘okay’ was a lot of HARD work.

 

Perhaps your daughter is dealing with a lot more than she lets on? And perhaps she’s not aware how much she’s hurting you? 

Deep down, I didn’t want my parents knowing my immense life struggles because I didn’t want them to worry.

 

Could this be the case for you too?

 

Above all, this is a time to ensure you look after yourself with the self care you need.

 

Take care,

BPDSurvivor

Re: inconsistent behaviour

Thank you, I think some of what you say is absolutely correct as I’m sure is dealing with her own demons and internal turmoil also I’m also sure she doesn’t recognise that I’m suffering or mean to hurt me.

However she doesn’t put on a brave face for me or pretend everything is ok. I’m the person who hears the venting, gets criticised, the frosty treatment and is barked at, knows about the poor sleeping and her social anxiety. She has told me she puts on an act at work but doesn’t have to at home.

It’s as if I’m a toy that is taken out and played with and then suddenly and unexpectedly put in a cupboard and the door is shut until it’s time to play again.

I will try to care for myself , take care of yourself too.

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