Lived Experience Forum

[Tank52]

Hi, I go by the name Tank52. This is my first time trying to reach out for some help/advice/company. I'm at an all time low, & what makes it worse is that it is all my own doing.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to share, but I've got nothing left so I might as well share all.
I've always been a little lonely, but try hard & generally have been reasonably happy. I do have the occassional meltdown, but I've generally got through, hoping that there was time for change.
I relocated around the world after one of these meltdowns, but had met my future wife, so had support & was ok, despite missing home.
20 years later we have 2 teenage girls & a house. I struggled to find work in my profession, but ended up owning my own business, which was hard work but reasonably successful for a time. The down side was that I missed much of the girls growing up. I also was too tired to do a lot with them.
Things started to go downhill in the business around 5 years ago & I needed to take on another job (online at home) to stay afloat. This meant even less time with the family & I also was often short tempered & crabby. Trying to sell the business added extra stress, expecially with a lease I was tied into. I did manage to give it away eventually, just to get out of the lease. This meant the other job working from home online was all I had, & I worked even harder (with less contact with the family & more taking things out on them).
COVID hit & my social life (which was minimal also stopped). I had no human contact & was extremely lonely. I managed to get a part time job with human contact, & although better for a short time, it became very stressful, & started to conflict time-wise with my online work so I had to leave.
Things came to head early this year when I soon became lonely again, & after getting some poor advice I thought the answer was for me to relocate to a city to get to meet more people. I knew my wife & girls couldn't come, but things happened so quickly & before I knew it I was living in another state. I really don't know what I was thinking, it was selfish & stupid. I was just as lonely there, had no money after rent to do anything, & quickly missed my family.
I did plead to come home, & moved back a month ago. I live alone in a separate area of the house. My wife wants nothing to do with me, & wants to sell the house asap. The girls talk to me, but I know it's only because I'm in the house. I have been trying to be the best I can be since I've been back, doing all the family chores (which I hadn't been doing), also selling all our unused stuff (which we've been talking about for years) & also doing all the odd jobs around the house that had been put off. I have also tried to be the best dad to the girls.
I'm now on my own in a town where lots of people hate me (my wife told people I'd left her). I have no other family in this country other than my girls. I had no friends even before I left. I have also been told my online work contract will not be renewed. I have tried looking for work here, but nothing yet.
I've never felt more alone, & being in my 50's I worry that this is it for me. No family, friends, work or even a house soon (I will not be able to afford one on my own, & without a job getting a mortgage will be impossible).
As I said at the start, I realise this is all my own doing. I made a stupid decision that had little thought behind it, or of the consequences. I just wanted to feel less lonely. Everything happened so fast, & I was at a low.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I just needed to share with someone, & hope that someone can help convince me there's a path forward.

[RiverSeal]

Hi @Tank52 

Thank you for reaching out on the Forums!

It's really inspiring to hear how you have had many challenges to work through and want to mend things between you and your family. Telling your story is also challenging but a sign that you are wanting change and to recover from what you have been through. 

From my experience with breakups and having regrets about the choices I made to be apart from other people. I have learned that it's not about them and it's about me and how I move through life. Life is full of learning experiences and some people do better at different things. You have demonstrated resilience and independence throughout your life and have had some really hard choices to make. You can learn from the experience with your family and use your resistance and independence to find yourself again. And this might be one of the first steps in your recovery which leads down a path through life.

SANE has counsellors that you can speak with to talk about your thoughts and emotions in the Drop-in Service. I encourage you to reach out to them and speak with someone to start working through your experiences. We also have the Guided Service where you can multi sessions with a Counsellor and Peer Support Workers.

It's great that you have discovered the Forums please keep reaching out here to the community of peers!

Take care

RiverSeal