Hi, I go by the name Tank52. This is my first time trying to reach out for some help/advice/company. I'm at an all time low, & what makes it worse is that it is all my own doing.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to share, but I've got nothing left so I might as well share all.
I've always been a little lonely, but try hard & generally have been reasonably happy. I do have the occassional meltdown, but I've generally got through, hoping that there was time for change.
I relocated around the world after one of these meltdowns, but had met my future wife, so had support & was ok, despite missing home.
20 years later we have 2 teenage girls & a house. I struggled to find work in my profession, but ended up owning my own business, which was hard work but reasonably successful for a time. The down side was that I missed much of the girls growing up. I also was too tired to do a lot with them.
Things started to go downhill in the business around 5 years ago & I needed to take on another job (online at home) to stay afloat. This meant even less time with the family & I also was often short tempered & crabby. Trying to sell the business added extra stress, expecially with a lease I was tied into. I did manage to give it away eventually, just to get out of the lease. This meant the other job working from home online was all I had, & I worked even harder (with less contact with the family & more taking things out on them).
COVID hit & my social life (which was minimal also stopped). I had no human contact & was extremely lonely. I managed to get a part time job with human contact, & although better for a short time, it became very stressful, & started to conflict time-wise with my online work so I had to leave.
Things came to head early this year when I soon became lonely again, & after getting some poor advice I thought the answer was for me to relocate to a city to get to meet more people. I knew my wife & girls couldn't come, but things happened so quickly & before I knew it I was living in another state. I really don't know what I was thinking, it was selfish & stupid. I was just as lonely there, had no money after rent to do anything, & quickly missed my family.
I did plead to come home, & moved back a month ago. I live alone in a separate area of the house. My wife wants nothing to do with me, & wants to sell the house asap. The girls talk to me, but I know it's only because I'm in the house. I have been trying to be the best I can be since I've been back, doing all the family chores (which I hadn't been doing), also selling all our unused stuff (which we've been talking about for years) & also doing all the odd jobs around the house that had been put off. I have also tried to be the best dad to the girls.
I'm now on my own in a town where lots of people hate me (my wife told people I'd left her). I have no other family in this country other than my girls. I had no friends even before I left. I have also been told my online work contract will not be renewed. I have tried looking for work here, but nothing yet.
I've never felt more alone, & being in my 50's I worry that this is it for me. No family, friends, work or even a house soon (I will not be able to afford one on my own, & without a job getting a mortgage will be impossible).
As I said at the start, I realise this is all my own doing. I made a stupid decision that had little thought behind it, or of the consequences. I just wanted to feel less lonely. Everything happened so fast, & I was at a low.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I just needed to share with someone, & hope that someone can help convince me there's a path forward.
