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-Mo-
New Contributor

Coping with being cut out of daughter's life - she has mental health issues diagnosed as a teen which she rejects.

Hi everyone, I'm new here having stumbled across the website looking for help with my own feelings.

   My daughter is now 23, around age 10 she was diagnosed with anorexia NOS, Aspergers, Bipolar B, and later reactive attachment disorder. Her father and I divorced when she was 11 and he then proceeded to not only refuse to help me manage her mental health in any way, but also to actively interfere by speaking badly of me to her.  During hospital stays for psychotic episodes brought on by  medication side effects and suicidal ideation she decided that if she refused to return home to me her father would then step up and have her live with him, which is something his partner at the time refused to allow. ( according to him ) Unfortunately this didn't go as planned when he refused and Child Services became involved because she then had nowhere to go. ( still refusing to return home to me )

   She obviously resents this happening and blames me 100% for everything. When her younger sister told me she'd end her life if my daughter came home things just got worse as I had to then refuse to have her home. It very nearly killed me and to this day I can't forgive myself.

   Fast forward to age 21 when she became pregnant with her first child, my grandson. I was there every step of the way during her pregnancy and, surprisingly to me, was the first person she told. Her first night home with her new baby was a struggle and I was called at 8.30pm for help. I spent the entire night walking the floor with a newborn who wouldn't latch for successful breastfeeding. The next day daughter, her partner, baby and 2 cats moved in with me and my current husband for 2 weeks of Mum support. When she left she even said to me that she couldn't have done it without me. Best moment of my life!

   I thought things were ok, we were in regular contact and I spent a LOT of time with my grandson. Then in early February she stopped replying to messages and answering my phone calls. I was worried so after a few weeks I went to her house but she wasn't home. I went back a week later and she became enraged and told me I was acting like a creepy stalker with all the messages. I said I was just trying to get in touch with her. She then shouted at me that this was the second time I'd been to  her home and if I ever came over again she'd call the police. I asked how I'd see my grandson ( who was standing beside me ) and she said she didn't want me to be a part of his life. He was almost 3 then. Her partner was there the whole time and said nothing. She then shouted at me, pointed to the door and told me to get the f*** out of her house and she'd call the police if I ever came back. As I left I heard her tell her partner that she'd told him if I came over to lock the door and now it was his fault their son was upset.

   After a few weeks my older daughter told me that my daughter and her partner had discussed cutting me out of their lives and wanted to do it while my grandson was still young enough to forget me.

   My oldest and youngest daughters have opted to "not take sides" because "you know how she is". My son said he'd let things settle then try to talk to her. So now I feel betrayed by my daughters, especially the eldest as we're extremely close, to the point that my daughter even told her she was surprised she wasn't "taking Mum's side". I understand her reasoning that she wants her kids to have a relationship with their cousin, however they never used to see much of each other.

   I just feel so hurt and alone in all this. I don't understand why she's made this decision without any warning or anything happening to cause it. I've missed my grandson's 3rd birthday and I can't stop thinking about whether he thinks Nanny doesn't love him anymore because she's disappeared from his life. 

   I also found out that my daughter has been on fertility treatment and is expecting twins in early November. She couldn't manage 1 child and needed me so how will she cope with 3? 

   This sounds like something out of a soap opera, but unfortunately it's my real life. I never thought this would be my reality. This is definitely affecting my relationship with my eldest daughter too, not that I've told her. I just can't understand why she isn't angry with her sister for what she's done and not trying to help.

   I've had hypnotherapy and am taking natural herbal medications to help me cope but I'm really struggling. I just don't see a happy future.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Coping with being cut out of daughter's life - she has mental health issues diagnosed as a teen which she rejects.

Hi -Mo-

Firstly, a big big BIG welcome to you to our SANE forums - I'm so glad you stumbled across us here and felt comfortable enough to reach out and post! We're a very supportive community, so I hope you feel it too ❤️

Next, thank you for sharing your story, I can imagine it's not only been a super confusing and difficult time for you, but it sounds like you are full of questions, seeking closure at the same time. I'm sorry to hear about the changed dynamics within your family, especially when you are missing your grandson.

You speak about feeling betrayed and the impacts this has had with your eldest daughter too - I wonder what's stopped you from sharing with her? I'm presuming perhaps the fear of losing her any further too? - but please correct me if I am wrong.

While I won't hypothesise why your daughter has made the decisions and choices they have - I am wondering what you would like to say if you could right now.

Lastly, I am glad to learn that you have experienced hypnotherapy and are using natural herbal medications to help you cope, but I wonder if you've had any thoughts or interest in any further therapy to keep yourself supported in this time. Aside from your family, who do you have in your support circle that you trust, are comfortable with and can lean on for support? I feel it would be very beneficial to continue expressing and processing your feelings around what has happened, but I am also glad you can do some of that here 🙂

I encourage you to reach out to our SANE Support Line too, if you need - you can speak with our counsellors for emotional support on 1800 187 263 (open Mon-Fri 10am-8pm AEST, excluding public holidays).

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

Re: Coping with being cut out of daughter's life - she has mental health issues diagnosed as a teen which she rejects.

   Firstly, thank you for making me feel so welcome. In regards to why I haven't discussed my feelings with my eldest daughter, you've hit the nail on the head. I'm so scared of upsetting any of my children now and I'm struggling to cope, making me feel too fragile to risk more pain.

   I've tried counselling through my previous employer's EAP program, however didn't like the pressure I felt from her to make decisions I wasn't comfortable with. I haven't ruled out seeking further help though.

   Multiple people have advised me of my rights as a grandparent to see my grandson and I did consider going down that road. I ultimately decided against it as I feel my daughter would make any resulting contact orders as difficult as she can and I can't bear to be the cause of pain for my grandson because I love him too much.

   Thank you very much for your advice and providing the contact number for the SANE support line.

 

Re: Coping with being cut out of daughter's life - she has mental health issues diagnosed as a teen which she rejects.

My absolute pleasure @-Mo-
Again, thank you also for sharing what's been going on, I know it takes a lot of strength to do so!

I can understand that, you're unsure of how the conversations may play out, and you don't want to risk any further pain. I'm wondering when you say you're struggling to cope - what does this look like for you? What strategies does -Mo- use for coping with their feelings and current happenings?

I'm sorry to hear the EAP support wasn't what you needed then, I feel it is incredibly important to only make decisions and go forward with what you feel comfortable with - as you're the one who will be impacted, or in turn, have to deal with the consequences/result. So I am glad you listened to yourself and only did what felt right.

Yes, my mind goes straight to mediation or negotiation - learning of your legal rights as a grandparent, but it also makes me think about the relationship with your daughter and if there is space for repair at all - perhaps with time? All grandchildren will inquire about their grandparents at some point if they did not grow up closely with them - I know I did! I can feel through your post how much love you have for him!

Sitting with you, you are not alone ~

Also, some of our familiar members you will see around this space are @tyme @Jynx @Former-Member @PeppyPatti @Shaz51 and many others - I promise they're all super lovely 😛

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

P.S. Just as a heads up - when responding to posts, if you tag the person you are responding to with '@' symbol before their name - they will easily get a notification and can stay connected with you. Just like I have done with your name: @-Mo-

Re: Coping with being cut out of daughter's life - she has mental health issues diagnosed as a teen which she rejects.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I can only comment about not telling your eldest daughter how you feel. She may not realise how it is so difficult for you. For a long time I wouldn’t tell my adult children what was concerning me or what was happening in my life. I mainly did it not to worry them and how they would react.  I decided as they were my family and adults that I would discuss more with them. I don’t share everything with them but find it has been beneficial sometimes not working as perspectives are different but worth it. Some times children can forget parents are people with feelings etc. 

I wish you well with your situation.

Re: Coping with being cut out of daughter's life - she has mental health issues diagnosed as a teen which she rejects.

@-Mo- 

@Patticake 

@PizzaMondo 

 

Dear @-Mo- 

 

i am so sorry this is happening for you. Every day I wake up and dream that this is the day when my youngest son, 

both my adult children

Will renter my life again.

 

But in my circumstances….here is nothing. My very old friend who knows my situation well with my family has offered to see my youngest son for free with trauma counselling as he is a trauma councillor.

 

My mum has so interfered with my life that both my sons have disappeared and also my youngest son would have ill health mental issues from having a terrible medical time for 15 years when he was 2 to 16 years old. 

 

What can I do? Get stronger because if they come back I need to be. I. Need to be consistent and wait. 

 

As your situation is so much different, can you think of any small thing that you can do for yourself this week?? 

 

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