Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[MumNeedsHelp]

Hi, my beautiful 18 year old daughter is becoming increasingly self destructive. 

In the past 4 years she went through a period of self harm and I managed to get her to a doctor who diagnosed her with anxiety.  She has never been on medication but i got her to see a counsellor.  After 2 sessions she refused to go back insisting she was fine and wouldn't hurt herself again. 

She is the youngest of my 3 children and 

she has always been quite open with me (obviously I'm aware that she doesn't tell me everything) self medicating, at first with marijuana, now including alcohol and occasionally other drugs at parties. She's disrespecting herself and her self esteem has plummeted. This is exacerbated by living in a small town where everyone knows her business. 

She was in a relationship with a boy from the age of 16 which is when her marijuana habit started. This ended recently and he smashed up her car with a shovel. We had the police involved and an AVO is out against him.  I know he hit her on at least 2 occasions after he found out she had slept with someone else.  

She has 2 cautions for cannibas possession and 1 point left on her license.  

Despite all this she is well liked and many people have reached out to her, tried to offer help,  guidance and advice. 

She got a job cleaning when she left school and she's extremely good at it.  Unfortunately she has had several jobs because she gets bored or doesn't like someone she works with Or some other excuse... just more erratic behaviour and instability. All her bosses have praised her and valued her. She's been offered leadership roles. Then she has a big night and misses work. They always forgive her and give her more chances because they know she has problems and want to help her. 

She talks about wanting to be dead. That's the hardest for me. While she has never attempted suicide, I feel like, by being so reckless with her safety, that she just hopes it will happen without making a conscious choice.

I even started seeing a therapist for several months because I thought I was going to have a breakdown. 

I've taken her to the doctors several times but they haven't given any real direction,  just the standard therapy, medication & diet suggestions then put the ball back in her court. Just last week she saw a wonderful female doctor who she really connected with.  She walked out so positive. She is meant to get a blood test but she hasn't made an appointment.  I feel like she needs to be assessed. She is dependent on marijuana to sleep, is anxious possibly depressed. I don't know how to ask for this. 

My heart is breaking because I have seen my confident,  caring, funny, creative and talented daughter ever so slowly decline and I feel so guilty for not pushing harder to get help before it got to this. It's a viscous cycle... her low self esteem is made worse by her substance abuse and poor social choices but she is reliant on the substances to give her the ability to "function" and she refuses to see anyone or make any changes. I believe there is a lot of shame there and how do you convince someone to open up to a stranger - be it a doctor or therapist - and tell them your most shameful truths. Hard enough as a seasoned adult let alone an 18 year old. 

I don't know where to go from here. 

I welcome any advise, suggestions and experiences.  

❤

[Historylover]

I am only answering @MumNeedsHelp because it has been 40 minutes since you posted and, as I write,  no-one has responded to your desperate cry for help.  I expect that is because no-one knows what to say.  I don't either.

I am so sorry that things seem to be spiralling out of control for you and for your obviously precious daughter.  You are clearly  a wonderful, very caring and concerned mother.  

Perhaps another forum user may have something more concrete and helpful to say.  I am at a loss.

I can only send my best wishes to you, and hope your daughter can open up to you very soon and discuss what is at the core of her problem.  She has no better friend and confidante than you.

[MumNeedsHelp]

Thank you for your caring words. It's a lot of information, I know. This is just a first step, so any comments give me strength. I think the next step, and what I really need to do, is make a lifeline phone call and talk to someone. X

[Historylover]

@MumNeedsHelp  Talk to any others you think may be a good sounding board.  Some may be able to offer good advice which will allow you to get a greater perspective on this situation. 

Look after yourself too.  I send all best wishes and hope that some others here may feel they may be able to provide some sound advice soon.  Possibly, though, you may be the best judge of this situation.  Your finger is on the pulse and no-one knows the situation or your daughter like you do.  Take care, @MumNeedsHelp X

P.S.  Could I ask if you are a single parent family?  That is so often the reason for children's self-destructive behaviour. 

[MumNeedsHelp]

Well, yes that has definitely contributed. Her father and I separated w when she was 8 and she has always been a busy kid which I think he found harder and harder to handle as she got older. He lives near by but has little to do with her (all of them really) as they got older although he was very hands on when they were younger as we had a week on week off arrangement. He was the fun parent, I dealt with the difficult stuff and nothing has changed there. I was just happy they had a relationship with him. I think my youngest has always felt like she was 'too much' for everyone. Too loud, too busy, too dramatic.... like me haha. I always loved that about her but teachers didn't either and she never had the support from others to find the right balance.
I've since remarried and he is a wonderful support and male role model for her.... unfortunately his job takes him away, sometimes up to 3 weeks at a time, so it's very much a single parent environment. She gets on well with her two older siblings (20 & 21 years) but they just roll their eyes and say that's just typical of her. They, quite rightly, don't quite get it from a parental perspective.
But yes, you're right, there is a definite connection there with relation to self worth and her desire to please others. She's also extremely empathetic so is always throwing herself into protecting others and has got herself into lots of trouble as far back as he primary school years, standing up for others. A lovely trait, but I've tried to get her to see that sometimes people are capable of fighting their own battles. If she gets through this, I think she'd make a wonderful counsellor, mentor or support person.

Thank you so much 🙏

[Historylover]

She sounds like a wonderful young woman @MumNeedsHelp.  I really can't say much more.

I won't offer advice because you know your daughter more than any other.  I can only send my best wishes and hope that things settle down soon.  

If you need to talk more, I'm happy to do so but I think you will find your way through this.  

By the way, if you want me or any other poster to respond to your posts - type'@' and you will see that a menu drops down with a list of people who are involved in the thread.  Click on their name and it will connect to the '@' and they will get a notification in their 'NEW' inbox that they have been tagged and will respond.  Otherwise we don't know you've responded and your posts may go unnoticed unless we check.

Take care.

[MumNeedsHelp]

@Historylover thank you 😊

[Anastasia]

Hello @MumNeedsHelp and welcome to the forums 💕

I just want to give you a big hug.

I want to say I hear you and can relate to much of your story. I am so sorry that this is happening for you, your family and your beautiful girl.

It's such a difficult road to navigate with a teen suffering. The first step is her accepting that she needs help. A psychiatrist specialising in her symptoms is vital. The sooner you can have her see one the better. Just letting you know that this might take a couple of goes. A good fit is imperative. One that your daughter feels comfortable with so she can open up and one that is knowledgeable around your daughter's systems. It's taken four so far here for my son to get the right diagnosis and in turn the right treatment.

It's only natural that you are suffering, as a mother we tend to feel out kids hurt tenfold.

Below is a thread with other members in similar situations...

You are not alone, I promise.

Parents Supporting Unwell Adult Children 

I will pop over there and "tag" you so you receive a notification 🙏

I also urge you to look after yourself...

***This is vital***

Keep talking to your psychologist.

There are Government carer support groups as well. Most holding online discussions at the moment. I'm not sure where you are based but I'll leave the link for the NSW one to give you an idea as well as Black Dog Institute link for caring for a loved one...

https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/mentalhealth/Pages/family-mh-program.aspx

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/emergency-help/helping-someone-else

Here is a social threads because sometimes it's nice just to have a chat about anything other than our struggles with a group of people that "get it"

https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Hot-Chocolate-Anyone/m-p/1076809/highlight/true#M26736

Hugs and love and I am always here for a listening ear 💖

[Anastasia]

@Historylover 💕

[MumNeedsHelp]

Hello!
Thank you sooooo much @Anastasia This is incredibly helpful. Even just knowing I'm not alone and that other people can relate to what I'm feeling will help so much. I really appreciate it 🙏❤