I keep thinking I’m the problem… anyone else?

[Samsam98]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been wanting to share something and would really appreciate any thoughts or similar experiences.

Lately I’ve been stuck in a loop where I keep thinking that maybe I’m the problem in my relationship. I struggle with social anxiety and possibly CPTSD (currently exploring this in therapy), and I think I have an anxious attachment style, while my partner is more avoidant.

Earlier in the relationship, I know I didn’t always handle things well. I’ve reacted out of anger at times, and I feel a lot of regret about that. I’m actively trying to work on myself and do better.

For a while, I actually felt quite clear about things, that some of my partner’s patterns (like not respecting my space or boundaries, not feeling seen/heard, and lack of conflict repair) were affecting me. It felt like a repeating pattern.

But as the days go by, I find myself questioning everything and turning it back onto myself. My mind keeps saying: “What if I’m actually the problem? What if I’m a narcissist and just using CPTSD as an excuse?”

I understand that CPTSD symptoms can overlap with other conditions and that everyone has some narcissistic traits, but trying to fit myself into NPD and spiraling over it is honestly exhausting and painful.

We had an argument a few days ago and decided to take a short break. But after just one day, my partner started reaching out, trying to talk normally and make plans, and it’s left me feeling really confused about what this “break” even means.

I also know I can be quite sensitive, even to small things, so I’m trying to understand what’s valid and what might be my anxiety. I know we both have our shortcomings, but this constant self-doubt is really hard to sit with.

Sorry this is long. I have a therapy session early next week, but

I’m finding it hard to cope in the meantime.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? 

Thank you for reading 🤍

[pangolin]

 Hi @Samsam98 

Firstly, welcome to the forums. It's very brave to reach out in a new space. I hope you find it a really supportive and welcoming community!

It sounds like things are feeling challenging for you right now as you cope with social anxiety, potential CPTSD, and some difficulties in your relationship. 

When you are dealing with so much at once, it is completely valid to recognise that you need that safe and supportive space in your partner. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of reflection on this relationship and areas that you might need to work on - this shows a lot of strength. But I also want to emphasise that it is important to be feeling this effort from your partner too, and it is not unreasonable to expect to share the emotional load here. 

You have done really well to share your experience with the community here, and I am sure some members will be along shortly to provide you with shared experiences or some advice to support yourself here. 

[NR]

Hi @Samsam98 

Thanks for sharing your story. I thinks it's so great that you recognise that you have tendencies that could be unhealthy to your relationship and took courage to work to improve yourself, that's not a small thing, well done!

I have just very recently discovered that I have CPTSD, but I have been showing many symptoms for a long time. I think I have an idea of the struggle you feel in your relationship, how you feel about yourself, as I feel the same about myself. However, I agree with the moderator that the work in a a relationship has to be done by both people. 

As I have CPTSD, I often provoke issues in my marriage with my husband. He loves me a lot, I don't doubt it, but over long periods of my misbehaviours - despite having always trying to work on myself, but the list of problems just never seem to end - my husband grew impatient and his tolerance running low, which means his reaction can become very bad sometimes. 

When we calm down, we would talk about where we each went wrong and what we each need to do to reduce the frequency of repitition. 

What your partner makes you feel are valid, and they are things that can push anyone away from a relationship. Repair is especially important, as there will always be fights in a relationship, but 2 people has to repair the damage caused from the fight, or the issue(s) that led to the fight. 

Two wrongs does not make one right, you may be wrong to start, but it doesn't mean your partner can counter your wrong with another wrong. It's important that all party acknowledges things and agree on something together. It has to be set. Both parties should set their expectations - make sure that it is reasonable, and for the betterment of the relationship and not self serving - and each party as to "work" towards meeting that expectation.

That would be my advise. Hope you find consolation sooner. 

[tyme]

Hey @Samsam98 ,

Thank you for sharing. 

If it's any consolation, let's just say your brain is doing everything it's supposed to - think.

I think we can all say that we have been through something similar. Those thinking loops that go round and round. All those what-if's, should've's and could've's in life. 

I think what we need to differentiate is what we CAN control vs what we CAN'T control. 

As much as your partner may have an avoidant coping style, this is not something you can change. And you have already noticed that you have an anxious coping style. And yes, this IS what you can control and work with. It doesn't mean you can change things over night, but it does mean it is something you can discuss and work with with your therapist.

I have an avoidant coping style and it's taken years to move towards challenges. It's been really difficult, but I have to say that the first step is recognising that this is something you need to work on.

So when you are feeling anxious, what is within your control that you can work with to see change?

The few milliseconds between thinking and acting can make all the difference.

What is ONE thing you hope to work on in the new future?

Start small. Step by step.

Look forward to hearing from you.

[Samsam98]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate your perspective. I do feel like there are some deeper parts of my situation that are hard to fully explain in a post, but what you said about both people needing to work on things really resonates. I’m still trying to figure things out 🤍

[rav3n]

hiya @Samsam98 welcome to the forums! just wanted to pop in to let you know you can tag people your responding to by using the @ symbol and typing the username.

it will turn blue like this @NR when the person is tagged, and it will send them a notification of your reply. i think the above response is for you @NR from @Samsam98 😊

[NR]

Thank you @rav3n.

[NR]

@Samsam98, yes for sure, I can completely understand. I am sure there are layers to this situation 😊.

[LexieJo]

Yes. Me.

i just got a text from SANE telling me that I haven’t done my survey. I don’t know what it means or how to ask for help. It looks like I don’t meet requirements to belong here. I don’t understand the terminology here. I have CPTSD and it’s hard to concentrate.

[Walkoneggshells]

Hi @Samsam98 

I understand what you are going through. Life with CPTSD can be challenging in it self and when you add a relationship into the mix it can be even more challenging. I have CPTSD and anxiety and depression and I am married to a man that has borderline personality disorder. We have to constantly work at our relationship and our selves.. I find that spending time apart is good for us, even for a few hours. It is great that you are going to therapy and are willing to work on yourself. I have spent years in therapy and have found some of the therapists good and others were not helpful. It is essential to have a good therapist and a willingness to rise above challenges. I wish you all the best and encourage you to keep smiling, as I find having a laugh is good for your mental health and your sole. I watch youtube funny animal videos to tune out when things get tough.