Hi BurntOrange
Nice to meet you. I haven’t been on here for a while but did so to post something similar. I did a search first and found your post.
In the past I’ve been told I am very hard on myself and I recognise much of my old way of thinking in your post, too. I think it happens when we start comparing ourselves to others, not understanding or accepting how our differences affect us, and certainly what other people keep telling us about ourselves which are just really not true. There is no one normal, everyone’s normal is different and all that is important is knowing what your normal, healthy state of mind likes like to you, so you can recognise when you are drifting from it, or ‘not feeling like yourself’. That’s when you want to increase your self care and match the level of intensity you are feeling things.
DBT and CBT, and any kind of ACT is generally very helpful with all of the above (dialectical behaviour, cognitive behaviour, acceptance & commitment therapies).
You are ADHD! Your entire nervous system is ADHD. You don’t have ADHD, it is a big part of your identity. Not your whole identity; you have personality, interests, and a whole bunch of stuff that make you who you are. They all interact and have a big impact on each other.
Every single thing you say I have believed about myself to my core. Accepting your differences can help a lot - you process the world differently and that will never change. So, try looking at yourself through a different lens. I.e. a different perspective, reframing everything. And always think “non-judgemental understanding” - which helps me a lot! Especially, when someone is being harsh towards me I will practice “non-judgemental understanding” towards them, so I don’t behave like them but can also be better present to protect my boundaries. It’s not condoning their behaviour or trying to appease them in any way, it’s only applying a more analytical or scientific view to why they are behaving as they are. What triggered them? What else is happening in their life? Did they perceive any threat that isn’t real? Are they reacting far more intensely than the situation? Why?
The usual term for “non-judgemental understanding” is “neutral compassion”, but when I heard that I said “huh??”. As soon as I heard “non-judgemental understanding” it made a lot of sense. The reason it is good to practice it on others is because we have only one brain. So when we are training it we are telling it how to respond to various behaviours and since we have only one brain, those rules are applied whether it is others, or it is ourself. So, the harder we are on others, the harder we are on ourselves. Being ADHDers, we are more predisposed to more intense emotions than typical folk (non-neurodiverse people). It has to do with local synapse formation being greater between brain cells, I think. That is to say, our thoughts have more thoughts attached to them. So when we think and feel those spiral of into more thoughts and feelings than typical folk would experience in the same situation. This has comfortable and uncomfortable traits for ADHDers. It means overwhelm/overstimulation, is greater, but it also means we tend to be more creative and can solve messy problems easier than most typical folk. And while it means we tend to be sadder, angrier, more shameful, etc. (The uncomfortable emotions), it does mean we can be more empathetic, compassionate, caring than typical folk, too.
In just a few sentences you show intense emotions of all the above emotions. You appear to express shame in thinking you are not empathetic in the moment and are selfish. While showing great empathy and selflessness in a desire to help everyone in the world. FYI, that is very dialectical - you are holding opposing views simultaneously which is an achievement in itself. Next step is considering maybe it’s somewhere between there and that is OK. In fact is healthy for anyone. On average 70% selfish and 30% selfless is a good target I’ve heard. Just like putting on your own oxygen mask on a plane so you can then help others, if you don’t be selfish and take care of yourself then you won’t be able to be selfless at all!
When it comes to saving the world, a clever bit of advice I was given was “you are not responsible for the whole world”. It makes sense to me. You can only be responsible for what you have control over. But we don’t have control over the whole world. I used to read every dire pice of news I could find - doom scrolling on social media platforms, too. Feeling worried and sad for everything I saw and ashamed that I was never doing enough. Remember 70/30 selfish/selfless. And most of that 30 is likely needed for friends, family and strangers you meet on a daily basis. Also, your ‘locus of control’ has a very short range, mostly just your actions when interacting with people very near by. But, yes, things we want to change we can put energy towards and accept things move slowly. Statistically I think movements take 30 years before they suddenly become accepted in society and really start accelerating. And some of the issues you discuss cover many different issues that started at different times. We see a great amount of increased awareness in somethings, while other related things are only in their infancy. Gently nursing them is maybe all that is required - like a seedling. There is no point worrying about it, you might just end up with a bunch of overwatered plants. Worry is not the same as caring, but a little worry can help us care or know when to care about something. Worrying is thinking something needs urgent action and comes from anxiety (excitement can also be seen as type of anxiety, fyi), and all emotions exist to drive action. But action can be as simple as putting a plan together and if you are doing that much, you are already caring.
Specifics on “extremely selfish and lacking empathy in the moment”? Well, welcome to ADHD ;-). For example, you deal with what is referred to as “poor working memory”, meaning that we don’t hold as much in the performance (thinking) part of our brain at any one time. I don’t like to think of it that way. Since our thoughts are more attached we probably just pull in more thoughts related to the task we are currently focussed on so we can’t pay full attention to more tasks at any one time. For example, walking into another room to get a pair of scissors can more often than not leave you standing in that room wondering why you are there and what you were doing in the first place. As me, you may have knowingly or unknowingly developed coping mechanisms to deal with many things like this. I make scissor movements with my hand as I walk through my house. And sometimes it’s automatic pit of habit, but not just for scissors but I can more quickly work out what I wanted. When you walk into another room your brain immediately scans the room and then you notice other tasks you may need to do and WHOOPS, your working memory just got wiped to pull in all those new tasks.
I feel the same applies to empathy and appearing selfish. We have only so much we are focusing on at a time and we tend to flick between tasks, so to actually be able to do anything we can spend 100% of our time on the task of “being empathetic about issue ‘X’” and the task of “being ready at a moments notice to be 100% selfless”. No! For one, we constantly chase dopamine, so we constantly scan for new tasks or thought to focus on, plus with that challenge, we may be currently performing a high priority task and we are already struggling to maintain that focus, so constantly switching to “being empathetic about issue ‘X’” and “being ready at a moments notice to be 100% selfless” is not fair on ourselves. We keep setting expectations for ourselves and that keeps hurting us. Switching between tasks repeatedly also exhausts us very quickly and we can spend the second half of every day just recuperating as a result. And, with limited working memory, recalling the tasks of “being empathetic…” and “ 100% selfless” can be difficult. The wiring between the performance part of the brain and the memory part of the brain isn’t as strong as neurotypical folk’s brain wiring. It can take us longer to recall information. We even perceive time very differently, both of the past and the future. Similarly, social interaction is more difficult for multiple reasons, including slower prefrontal cortex development and less wiring to the relationship management part of the brain.
So, in reality, you are putting in far more effort than the typical folk are putting in to achieve the same in every aspect of being human, then you are going even further than what typical folk do. So, you can choose to be a little impressed with yourself ;-). Like me, your emotions will always be more intense and sometimes will be overwhelmed and take hours, days, weeks to get back to feeling like yourself. But, while the initial emotions will be strong, you can do many things to mitigate the overall impact they have on you. Emotions can’t hurt you, they are only information. Emotions aren’t good or bad, we just find many uncomfortable to experience. Many resources around ACT can help to explore that and guide through ongoing practices that teach the brain - lifelong practices that are different for everyone.
Mindfulness activities such as mindful eating, and observing every detail about your thoughts, feelings in the body and motion during a task, and meditation, and anything else you find are great for both building awareness so you can identify what thoughts and feelings you are experiencing sooner and to deal with them in healthier ways. Awareness, knowledge and practice are big components of emotional intelligence, which helps us navigate being human and riding challenges more smoothly during the ups and downs.
Also, this is your world, build your world for you, too. You are worth it. You are a worthy person and you get to do all the things a worthy person gets to do. This includes prioritising your self care, boundaries and mental health above all else. Don’t settle for people telling you how you feel. People have told me I’m too emotional. Other people tell me I have no feelings. Guess how little I value their opinion? I rate their perspective on my feelings a 0/10. My opinion is 10/10. People I know are compassionate and self aware and aware of others get a rating closer to 10.
Thank you for your post, it give me cues to recall lots of useful information that helps me. I like being in groups with other ADHDers, usually on video calls, because its good constant reminders for all the things I want to be practicing.
With addiction, for me, it feels like I am getting of one thing then falling into another. They all cost me a lot of money, and sadly, way more time. Guess which one you can never get back 😞
So far, I just go cold turkey to stop an addictive behaviour. For me it includes online gaming. Then the same again for those mobile games with their many micro transactions and constant need for checking in. Alcohol makes it easy for us to fit in - we lack the fine social cue awareness skills of typical folk even if we know all the skills - like never being quite a native speaker with a foreign language. But if everyone is drinking then everyone gets a free pass. But, it gets worse from there because it’s easy and feels good. Addictive stuff seems to make things feel they are ok, they seem to give us just enough of a slow dopamine drip to float over any considerations that might otherwise be a priority. But when we are getting a bit more dopamine, an our agitation -that often drives us - is no longer there, then what will drive us to act on an addiction while its taking place? So, far, for me it seems planning, schedules and routine are the only ways. We don’t have the extra motivators to act that typical folks have. Some free floating between comfortable tasks such as hobbies can be god for our mental health, if not to excess.
When we plan what we are going to do for each day, say for the week, then we can practice that process. But it means seeing everything that is not a routine or an appointment as a project. Then breaking that project into tasks. Then assigning those tasks dates and times. To practice, allow three times the predicted duration for a task, and have no more than 7 tasks per week. We are naturally good at estimating task duration - we normally haven’t tracked or can recall duration of tasks we performed in the past. But we can improve! Also, it can feel like we are trapping ourselves into a boring monotonous week with no excitement. But, oddly, the result is the exact opposite. Those tasks are also from our hobby projects - its life scheduling. Schedule in fun activities too! Schedule in breaks, schedule in meals and other routines. Keep track of everything in a single app, or diary, notepad - whatever works. Look at various courses online covering these skills for ADHDers. There is a lot going on in this space and a lot of different concepts to try out. It’s also something to get really interested in and experiment with yourself and others to find what works for you. You mentioned your age. I’m about to turn 44 - not that that seems to mean much to me - I’ve always first thought ‘what year is it’? I wish I knew more when I was 34, no 24, no 14, no…. Doesn’t help, doesn’t matter - CBT. DBT, ACT, etc. therapies help with that way of thinking. Most people I meet up with are your age or older.
So, yeah, just went cold turkey on another addiction I was sinking more money into that I make!
But, we are always thinking about something, so if your current priority is a hobby then really get into that hobby, and if it is feeling boring but you want to keep going, there are methods to manage that, I’m sure. I’ll sometimes think about something interesting I’m planning on the next hobby or task while I’m working on the current hobby or task until I hit a more interesting part of the current hobby or task - but still focusing fully when I need to be extra safe! Also, I’m often not interested in something until I’ve started doing it. Not matter how fun it is. So, I’ll just start doing something while it feels boring just to see where it goes. Nothing we deal with is unmanageable if we find and practice the tools to handle them. I honestly would be happy being friends with people who are borderline personality, narcissistic personality, psychopathic, autistic, or any of the other 600 neurological disorders we neurospicy people can have - as long as they manage their traits in healthy ways - or I know how to interface each person - which is important when dealing with anyone, since you want to know whether someone is good to play sports or do hobbies with, or if they are able to discuss intense emotional issues with you. Not everyone has to be everything to us. Pets are usually pretty good listeneners!
More bits of wisdom given to me:
Being miserable is usually a choice. We can just accept a thought or feeling, leave it at that then look forward to the next thing in our life. When I feel bored/anxious/depressed, I often just smile, think ‘oh, well’, then get excited about something else I want to do next or later.
All the things that work for neurotypicals don’t work for us. At least not in their raw form. ‘Eat the frog’ means to get the hardest tasks of the day done first to try so everything is easier from there. It can work for me, but I need some extra momentum first, so doing some easier routines and tasks first can get me to then start on the hardest task.
The brain is wild, wilder than we know. Don’t fear it, it’s you A thought to the mind is no more than a wave is to the ocean, they just pop up, so we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are not statements. Thoughts are not commands. It doesn’t matter if a thought is true or not, it only matters if a thought is useful to us. Pushing a thought away tells the brain it is important and should tell us about it more often and a lot louder, so thoughts can be just left to sit there, or managed in other ways if they are distressing (intrusive thoughts, like ‘I am selfish’). Thoughts can also be considered questions, like ‘I am selfish?’. You can answer no and move on, or maybe better just not answer it, knowing you’ve already considered it and consider it a non-issue.
Be kind to your mind.
You can’t bullshit your mind, it’s at least as smart as you are. It is you.
‘Half smile, open hands’ - I use a very mild smile where I try to experience contentment and also mild compassion towards whatever is around me. Can be a person, a pet, a rock, nothing in general. Contentment in general. I start from a relaxed face then practice the very small movement to get there. Starting again if it helps. Different things work for different people and what works isn’t always consistent so learning many tools and practicing them regularly helps. The ‘half smile’ barely even feels like I’m smiling but people tell me it looks like I’m smiling so I guess I have to be careful to use it for emotional regulation during a sad social event O.o
The half smile often means the difference to me between feeling horrifically depressed and like the world is a wonderful place and I love being me. I’d love to think other people can benefit this much from it. But finding what works with your normal is what is important.
Open hands - so, holding palms face up is particularly useful for reducing anger almost instantly in the moment. It’s incredible and even a small change can make a big difference. I find it is helpful with many emotions.
Also, just believing the above can be helpful can remind you of how things can be and be helpful in itself when doing them.
During the day and can be good to be up to 70% self aware/mindful/present during tasks, but 30% of the day fully engaged in the tasks. I do love getting so engaged or even hyper focused on a task I can’t see anything else, but some breaks are important. Green time (walking in nature and observing trees and birds, etc.) is good for indirect focus to let our working memory recuperate before the next task to focus on. Practicing self awareness all day is probably not healthy. It certainly doesn’t seem to be productive.
Sleep hygiene, exercise, diet, self care routines and self care activities (like visiting the GP) are essential. Essential to everyone, more essential for ADHD and any neurodiverse person, if that makes sense - more attention to detail may be required, such as how often you eat and in what quantities and timing of different foods during the day can vary between ADHDers and be quite important. Constant very low sugar intake may be beneficial for glucose levels. Similar methods for protein absorption. Eating foods containing precursors to protein formation. Many things.
FYI, this all helps with addiction because it let us process everything better and it helps us feel like we are capable of getting on top of issues. Small wins turn into bigger wins. Also small steps in improvement helps. Though cold turkey works for one addiction it’s not solving the problem for me. I’ll find something new I haven’t even considered before. Like everything else. Even typing these long replies at 2:00AM… 😉 But I did get an early nap in at least! Gold star for me!
Worth mentioning again if I haven’t already: Comparing yourself to others is a form of self abuse. You will never even know 0.0001% of what is going on with someone else. Do we even reach knowing ourselves as high as 1%? The mind is wild and massive. How important is the imagined inadequacy that we are focusing on? Whose opinion is it anyway? I like to remember “A cherry tree doesn’t compare itself to others, it just blossoms”. Also, even a tree that starts from a hard place, under giant rocks and overshadowered by other trees and doesn’t grow in the same way, still grows and still finds its light. I do love trees. Lying under a tree and watching the leaves sway… But as long as the branches look sturdy! Even better, looking through the tree and watching the clouds drift above it.
Better to lose yourself than lose others. Being mean is easy and you can hurt anyone and anyone can hurt you. Hurt people can often hurt other people, and while there is a reason behind everyone’s actions, caring for your boundaries is most important. Learning to walk away instead of trying to help can be difficult - particularly recognising when to do this. Everything takes practice and repetition. It’s hard and very painful. But better than any alternative in my opinion. You aren’t failing you are just providing someone else what they want - a target or validation or whatever it is they may not even be aware they are chasing. People operating out of fear are in a state no different than any wild animal that is trapped. You can reach out with good intentions but you will just get scratched. You don’t have to think you have to be the one to provide the help. Sometimes it takes a specialist health care professional and even for them it can take a toll. My brother is a nurse and he thinks everyone in the medical industry probably has some level of PTSD O.o I’m not surprised given his work stories!
Before you say or do anything think “what do I want from this?”.
Only trust people with what they can handle. I only disclose my ADHD to two managers at work and a few people I know also have ADHD or other ‘disorder’.
“Free will” is the pause between noticing something interesting and acting on it, that gives you time to think if this is the best thing for you. Acting on instinct or impulse all the time means making choices but never executing free will. Some instinctive actions are OK, but because they’ve been trained based on previous choices made with your best interests in mind - your values. Values are what bring you joy when you experience them in action. But never chase them to feel joy, because that is making joy your value and that is just an addiction. I remember always wanting to hammer pieces of wood together with nails in kindergarten. My favourite hobby is currently woodworking. It’s a good place to start looking to find some of your true values. Choices are best made when in line with your values.
As mentioned, caring is the same as worrying, caring can mean letting someone make mistakes because you understand that they will learn from them, because learning means there was in fact no failure at all. Caring includes many things, a little worry, understanding, compassion, sharing within reason.
Research all the types of boundaries and use practice sheets with scenarios to get a better idea of how you might react in a situation. I did some of these with support from SANE.
Hope this brain dump helps. As with anything, it could be read in many ways.
I’d like to write ‘back to bed for me’, but I’m really thinking ‘can I do with a snack?’ 🙂
