can’t stop crying, can’t function, feel hopeless

[lonemushroom]

I’ve been struggling to find ways to talk about what I’ve been through this year without going into too much detail and being potentially triggering. I’m hoping I’ll find a way at some point but for now I figure talking about how the aftermath of everything is impacting me currently is probably the next best thing, however even then I don’t know where to begin to find any words really.

basically the super short and vague version is that alongside quite a few other diagnoses I’ve had complex PTSD since my early teens, stemming from really too many different traumatic experiences to count but growing up and being trapped in an extremely abusive household being the biggest catalyst of all. this year I’ve had more extreme trauma to add to the list in the form of pretty much my worst fears becoming reality.

I feel completely broken. I haven’t had a proper nights sleep in months, I cannot get through a single day without crying, I’m caught between feeling so angry that I’m in this dark place again after spending so long trying to avoid exactly that and feeling stupid for expecting any different because genuinely literally every single time I get even slightly close to recovering from something or achieving success, it’s been completely sabotaged in the worst ways possible whether that’s by abusers or just sheer bad luck in life. most of the time I’m just dissociating really heavily all day lately.

at least in the past I had crumbs of a social life that I could distract myself with. but there’s no one in my life now. everyone has left. every single person I thought I could fully trust and not include in my trust issues has left and affirmed my intense fear of abandonment, even and especially the ones who always reassured and promised me that they wouldn’t, in fact some of them hurt and betrayed me deliberately at my most vulnerable. I’m either trying to find anything and everything I can to avoid feeling anything or not being able to do a single thing because I feel absolutely everything.

I’m so hurt. I’m exhausted. I don’t wanna be told I’m so “resilient” for how much someone thinks I can handle anymore, as if trauma is some goal that I asked for and had control over enduring. I feel like I’m always gonna be just an outsider surviving rather than living and I don’t have a clue what to do with my life anymore. I feel too physically sick to get better mentally and too mentally sick to get better physically.

[Dreamy]

@lonemushroom oh my sweet, I'm so sorry things are like this. I don't have time to sit and reply now but I will later tonight. But i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and we are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs sweet ❤️. 

[Sparky79]

@lonemushroom My heart goes out to you, it sounds like a truly dark place that you're in. Don't forget that you're not alone, trying to talk about experiences without the pandora's box exploding everywhere can be so difficult, I know how much time and effort it takes to pack all my stuff into my pandora's box to hide in the dark corner of my mind. So you have my admiration for reaching out and sharing.

From what you're saying your mind body and soul needs rest, well give it what it wants, rest but don't give up. Look for the smallest things to show gratitude for, focus on the good things you have in your life.

For the moment don't worry about the future, focus on the now, on your immediate needs, what you can and feel up to doing to give yourself what you need. Self love, self compassion, give yourself what you wanted to receive from your friends. Heck, talk to yourself (internally if you're around others of course), be your own cheer squad, admire yourself. You know all your insecurities, all your self perceived flaws, well reassure yourself, as you also know all the hard work you're doing and have done to get to this point.

It breaks my heart reading about the catch 22 situation in regards to the mental and physical health, personally I focused on my physical health firstly, which was especially challenging not just because of crappy genetics, but as I used to be the type that would be eating crap if I was feeling crap, which would then feed my guilt and negative self image. I kept trying my best to focus on the physical side, hoping the mental side would improve. It has improved, but that pandora's box of mine is still bursting at the seams!.

I suppose I'm saying (in a long winded way) that you will make it through this, there's always sunshine after the rain. Beautiful plants will grow from the rain and the seeds you plant. Then that garden will be a beautiful place to share with the beautiful creatures that you allow into your life.

Please don't be afraid to reach out to us here or any of the numbers listed.

I'll be sure to issue a coffee requirement on my next long winded post.

[Dreamy]

@lonemushroom i can hear you have been and still are going through alot and I'm so sorry you've had to go through it all. 

I understand that you would feel completely broken and i know that feeling well myself. Crying just shows how strong we have had to be for so long and it gets to a point where it's all too much, it's ok to cry. It's also ok to feel everything you are feeling given everything you've been through, that anger at being in this dark place again is real. I went through a time where I thought i was better and I thought I would never end up back in that dark place but yet here I am and somehow it feels worse than before. 

I'm sorry that people have abandoned you when you've needed them the most, it's the most painful feeling when you are already at your most vulnerable. Please know that we are always here for you through the good and bad times ❤️. This part that you said really hits me hard 'I’m either trying to find anything and everything I can to avoid feeling anything or not being able to do a single thing because I feel absolutely everything', it's such a fine line between the 2. I have days where I do everything I can to keep myself distracted so I don't feel a thing and then days where I physically can't do anything cos I'm feeling too much. 

I hear your exhaustion and I know it's so hard to keep going when things are so hard. Have you got a gp or counsellor/psychologist that you can talk to or is that something you have thought about doing? It's alot to manage alone and you really do deserve to get support through this. I'm sending you those gentle hugs again my sweet, i know it's hard but keep going, baby steps at a time and we are here for you the whole way ❤️

[AzzyWazzy]

Feel hugged. You are not alone. We got this... We have to. You can do it... Keep pushing x