As this is my first post, I'm not quite sure how to begin, but I'll start from the beginning.
The last two years have been a real bin fire for me. My marriage broke down after the birth of my second son. My ex-wife, who is from Japan, had always wanted a second child, but I didn't think it was the right time due to the additional financial stress it would put on us (with mortgages, etc.). I initially refused, but she threatened to take our first son back to her home country and prevent me from seeing him. Under Japanese law, foreigners have no legal rights, so she could have actually done this. While I don't think she would have followed through, I took the threat seriously, and we had our second child—another little boy.
I resented her for this ultimatum, as it meant I had to get a higher-paying job (I already worked at a bank in a semi-senior position). This new role meant taking on extra responsibilities and working up to 70+ hours a week. When our second son was born, I fell into postpartum depression, and our marriage disintegrated. I didn't even know what postpartum depression was until about six months ago when I read about it. The realization hit me like a wave, and I curled into a ball and just cried and cried and cried. All of my problems stemmed from there, and I didn't know I had it or how to get help.
My ex-wife and I continued living in the same home but were legally separated (under one roof). During this time, I struggled with drug and alcohol abuse to cope while working a senior role at the bank with long hours and significant responsibility. I then met and started a relationship with a transgender woman who was drug-dependent and suffered from mental health issues, as well as possibly some narcissistic traits.
Over time, I became emotionally and physically strained by my job, my ex-wife, and the trans woman I was dating. She quit her job, paranoid that her boss was victimizing her, and needed constant emotional and financial support. In hindsight, I can see that she was using me to sustain herself and was emotionally abusive and manipulative.
Last August, I ended the relationship with the trans woman as her drug needs and emotional abuse became overwhelming. After receiving three days of emailed and texted death threats, threats to hurt my son, and threats of self-harm, I contacted the police. Unsure of whom to speak to, I submitted a generic online form to the state police. They called me immediately and said this was domestic abuse. I disagreed and asked if they could do a welfare check. I didn’t believe she would do anything to me, but was worried she might hurt herself. Two officers came to my house to talk, and as they were sitting with me, my laptop was pinging with abusive threats and messages from her. She later told me that five officers went to her home and informed her that a domestic violence order had been taken against her, prohibiting her from contacting me, which was not true.
We met again after this, but I decided to end the relationship. Over the following four weeks, I stopped abusing all drugs and alcohol completely and addressed many issues in my life. Unfortunately, things started to go wrong after this. My devices (Apple Macs, iPhone, social media accounts, banking) were hacked. All of my device settings were changed, and I even called Apple and sent screenshots of altered permissions and additional new applications. An Apple Senior Advisor told me directly, "This is really, really bad." Following this, my car was stolen and has never been found. The ex-trans woman reappeared in my life and cryptically said she might know who had stolen the car and that I probably deserved it, although I believe she was just trying to take advantage of my situation.
At this point, I was made redundant at work. There was another job available in the organization, but there was too much happening in my life for me to perform well. Additionally, my ex-wife and I completed the sale of our property and separated our assets, legally divorced in both countries, and she moved to Japan with our two boys. I ended the relationship with the trans woman again, and she began stalking me. For example, I would wake up to 60+ text messages and over 30 missed calls, with her banging on my apartment door after convincing the building manager to let her in. Around this time, her doctor (whom I had met when I took her for a mental health appointment) reached out to me, expressing concern for my safety. He believed she had become unstable and might be trying to harm or stalk me. He advised me to go to the police, but I didn't bother. I wasn't afraid of her or her associates, but I felt sad that I had cared for this person and sorry for her. If this was who she truly was, then shame on her and shame on me for not recognizing it and cutting her from my life earlier.
After this, I had three interactions with the police, all connected to my ex. The first was a phone call from a uniformed female officer investigating an accusation that I had grabbed my ex. I have never grabbed anyone in my life, so I was dumbfounded. Fortunately, I remembered the specific date of the alleged incident. It was the last time I saw her, when she stayed with me at a hotel. She started acting erratically, so I asked her to leave. Initially, she refused but eventually did. However, she was unable to exit the building and wanted to return. I told her to call building management to let her out, as I was tired of the situation and had developed IBS from the stress, leaving me trapped in the toilet. I explained this to the officer, who showed some empathy and asked if I was okay and if my ex was harassing me. I told her, "Of course she is. She's a psychotic clown, but I have no time for clowns in my life, and she should return to the circus." The officer advised me to contact them for help, but I had lost faith in the police after they misplaced my police report which I will mention later.
The second incident occurred while I was walking across a bridge in the CBD towards the casino one evening. I heard someone shout, "Hey, f@&k you!" I immediately responded, "Well, f@&k you too!" without knowing who it was. I turned to see my ex standing there, giving me the one fingered salute and yelling, "Asshole!" I laughed at the absurdity of the situation and simply shook my head, giving her a look that conveyed what a pathetic wretch she had become. She was now attempting to provoke and harass me in public because I had ignored her and blocked all communication attempts. I simply turned and walked away. While waiting for the traffic lights on the other side of the bridge, I saw her standing there with one phone pointed at me, apparently recording, and the other phone seemingly on a call with the police. She was screaming, "He is harassing me! I need you here now!" I shook my head again and walked to the nearest bus stop for safety as there was light and I could see if she pulled out a weapon. The police eventually arrived, and I told them what happened. After speaking to both of us, they said I could go as I hadn't done anything wrong. They also mentioned some courses on domestic violence run by local non-profits. I called Relationships Australia to enroll but was told there was over a year-long wait, so I didn't pursue it.
The third interaction was when an officer from the CIB called regarding the original allegation that I had grabbed her. He asked me to come to the police station, which I did. I explained what had happened, and he said he would close the case that day. He also mentioned that after reviewing all the information and evidence, and hinting that she had been making other unfounded allegations, it appeared that I was actually the victim, despite her claims to the contrary. I wanted to say, "Wow, I didn't know I was speaking to Sherlock Holmes..,” but I refrained and simply said, "Yeah, I'm glad it's now becoming that obvious…”
My devices were still compromised at this point, and even my network had problems connecting to some websites. I was unable to use certain apps for no apparent reason, and even basic tasks like paying my car registration online didn't work due to "Unknown errors" in the browser. I couldn't even change the password of my Apple ID (I still can't, but have a new Apple ID now). Each attempt resulted in an "Unknown error" message and logged me out. Additionally, I discovered my Apple ID had been enrolled in a developer program, granting many additional permissions to whoever had access. However, as I'm not a software developer, I don't know how this occurred, and Apple couldn't provide support in changing it back or advise on what to do regarding my hacked device. They told me it was just bad luck and that I should buy new devices. On top of this, I never used location services on my iPhone, but when I periodically turned it on, I found my location to be in one spot while my device showed up at my ex's apartment. It also showed significant locations (places I had visited frequently enough for the device to remember) where I had never been, such as a cafe in a suburb I rarely visited. I suspect my ex hacked my devices. While she's not very bright, I believe she may have had someone with the necessary skills do this for her due to her manipulative personality. I filed a police report with the state police through www.cyber.gov.au as instructed. I didn't receive a response other than confirmation it was raised, so after a couple of months, I went to the police station to ask for an update. A CIB officer told me they had lost the report. Thankfully, I had kept a record of the details, which I shared, and was told within a few hours that it was being assigned to a specialty officer. To date, they have not contacted me.
I was exhausted by all this chaos and wanted to stop using substances and get back on my feet. I had wanted to stop for so long, but fighting so many battles simultaneously made it difficult. So, I relocated to a beach area about an hour from the city. I quit using substances cold turkey and will never go back—it's not something I'm remotely interested in anymore. I was also able to regain control of my devices and hacked accounts. Over the previous few months, I had taught myself coding as well as various command languages used in Apple macOS (I was previously a systems manager at a bank, so I had the basic skills needed to learn). I essentially destroyed and removed the internal structure of the computer system, then rebuilt it using a controlled internet network, which removed any hacked root permissions by installing the latest non-beta firmware (apologies for the technical jargon). I created a new Apple ID and began recapturing and encrypting every compromised account using top-tier security software, password managers, and high-end physical security keys. I was only able to recover and secure my Facebook account yesterday, as I had been unable to change the password for months until I found a backdoor, added two-factor authentication, and deployed security keys. Reviewing the login history of my Facebook account, I found numerous logins I never made, including from Android devices I never owned and from places I had never been. It's truly sickening to know that other people had access to my private life and had gone through everything from my Gmail to my Facebook to my Apple ID, my photos, my bank accounts—everything. I even discovered that a significant amount of money had been stolen. Only the most despicable person would do such a thing and invade someone's privacy to this extent.
This all happened a few months ago. Since then, I've focused on improving my health. I talk to my ex-wife daily and can video chat with my little boys almost every day. I'm so grateful that she's their mother—she does a wonderful job and is a wonderful person. I've managed to secure a very good new job, which I should be starting next week. I've even started seeing someone who is beautiful both inside and out and has been incredibly kind to me. She's introduced me to her friend group, who have also been very welcoming and kind. I've started a mental health plan through my GP and am attending fortnightly counseling sessions for trauma. I realized that I've never asked anyone for help in my entire life; I was always the person people came to for assistance. While I have the mental resilience to overcome anything and make it to the other side, that doesn't mean it's the best approach. I don't need to keep pushing through the pain alone, using just my determination and grit as a shield.
I don't want to continue fighting all of this by myself anymore. It's awful to feel alone and abandoned by the world. It's awful to have your privacy invaded, your devices hacked, your money stolen, and your digital life scrutinized. It's awful to feel vulnerable and defenseless, and it's awful to feel like you've been forgotten and that your life and story don't matter. Well, my life and story do matter, and so does yours! So, I need help. I need help to not be immediately suspicious when anything is out of the ordinary or to attribute the wrong meaning to things. I need help to trust people again, to not worry that my online accounts might be compromised. I need help to feel safe and not be hyper-vigilant about strangers' motives. I need help to not think my problems will burden others. I need help to ensure that the trauma of my past doesn't define my future.
If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, please let me know. I'm not worried about the stigma of having mental health issues. I'm not worried about the stigma of a past history of drug abuse because I couldn't cope with my problems and didn't know how to ask for help. I'm not afraid of being judged because I dated a trans woman. But I am afraid of not having the courage to get better, to live a good life, to learn to make good choices, and to become a stronger and better person.
Thank you for reading. Also, the above is only about 50% of what happened. It's just the highest level overview and what I have evidence to prove 100%.
Hi @Lil_Sprout, sorry it's taken some time to get back to you. Welcome to our forums community & thank you sharing your story.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've dealt with so much, it must've been really tough and I'm so glad to hear you're doing much better. You are definitely deserving of help and it's amazing to hear you've reached out and started attending those counselling sessions! Those are some big steps, so proud of you 💗
Gaining that sense of safety and control again, especially after experiencing so much trauma can take time - and reaching out professionals like you've done, creating a sense of community (like joining these forums) are all great ways to start your healing journey. I know you mentioned you're afraid of not having courage to get better and be a better person, but to me - seeing your post and the actions you've taken so far shows that you're proving your fears wrong. Recovery can be up and down, so remember to be kind to yourself and take your time, there's no rush to healing 😊
